Your Voice

[Ami]

Most of us ,on here, have been voiceless.(LV--little voices).  N's shut us down b/c N's do that.
 Abuse shut us down until our voices make a squeak.
Then, life shuts us down b/c squeaks don't allow you to navigate life.
 I feel blessed today b/c no verbal assaults define me.
I "brought" abuse on myself by choosing to be vulnerable and it was a choice, here, and always has been. I have been called terrible things and it really doesn't matter.
 I feel very free to be me.
 I have so many people who love me for being who I am, flawed, but trying to be real.
 I have some precious people ,in my life, who love me for my 'core".
 I know what I would do if people attack me.
 I would  do and still be me.

[Iphi]

Great post, Ami

[Gaining Strength]

N's shut us down b/c N's do that.
 Abuse shut us down until our voices make a squeak.
Then, life shuts us down b/c squeaks don't allow you to navigate life.

It's the third line that really gets me.  "Life shuts us down."  That's how it feels to me - like life shut me down.  The load is heavy today.  I hope it purges so much of the slime and refuse that has percolated in my soul for too long.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 Life will crush us   if we don't have our voice .There is no place that is safe enough.
  Hurting people wound. Hurting people are everywhere.
 I think that "normal" people learn these lessons ,in the teens.
 I was learning them before I shut down. You have to have your own power and your own core, and you have to honor it, first.
 I know that my shame caused me to want  people to validate me.
 It won't work ,EVEN if people love and care for you.
 Your inner voice is the only strength which allows you to navigate.
  Dr G knew what our voice meant when he started the board. It is everything.
     Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I know that my shame caused me to want  people to validate me.
 It won't work ,EVEN if people love and care for you.
 Your inner voice is the only strength which allows you to navigate.

I long to be validated! 
I see that line 2 is correct.  I don't want it to be true.  For some strange reason i want to receive that validation from others even though it is obvious that I can depend on myself far more easily that I could turn to someone, anyone else.  It's that old child wound that wants that validation from my mother, from my father.  Still stings.  Seems crazy that it still stings.

Glad and sorry that my wounds are so great that life has ground to a halt.  Glad because I must get to my roots in order to move forward.  Sorry because the price has been too steep.  Wouldn't want anyone else to pay this same price.

I have figured so much out - so much - I should be much farther along by now.  Need this bubble to burst and the healing to burst forth.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 I  learned a few weeks ,ago, that I can't get my M's love from the outside b/c it won't work, even if I could find a person who would love me like a mother.
 It won't work b/c I will be going "down",not up. I will be going toward dependency and so will never feel good in myself. I have been looking for a M ,from the outside for my whole life.
 It can't work, I don't think.
 I have been centered,at times, and was  peaceful. I was happy,in the best way possible, in my own skin.
 That is my goal, now.
  It feels like a goal I can achieve.
  I feel convinced that other's love and approval will feel good for a time, but will fade quicly. It will be like a bucket with a hole in it.
  Finding my own voice will be  a bucket I can fill.    Love    Ami

[Ami]

 Maybe, the board  is simply the behavior of people in groups.
 I am thinking that is what it is.
 People with their egos  and pains  hurt each other unless they really try to reach a higher standard of behavior. It must be like entropy. Things descend downward unless there is a conscious movement upward(toward order)IOW, left to their own devices, things (and people ) go down.
  Ami

Dr G must be the outside force that brings the group to the higher level i.e. the government.It is a sad ,but true commentary on human nature.

[Hopalong]

My daughter's Dad, my ex, now deceased, had a bumper sticker that said

MAXIMIZE NEGENTROPY

I always liked that.

 

Hops
PS--I think under-reacting, reacting calmly or even...choosing not to take offense...are liberating.

[Ami]

I realize that IF you lost your voice, in childhood, no outside factors will get it back for you. By outside factors, I mean prestige, education, relationships, accomplishments. It has to be regained from the inside.
 James led me  to Alice Miller.
 One of her articles says that our loyalty HAS to be to OUR inner child,not the abusive parent. We turn against ourselves ,at an early age,in order to survive.
 We have to turn that loyalty back and give it to the child in us.
 I am like Kelly. I need to heal these pains b/c they have become physical. They have been physical for a long time(hard time eating)
  I will never be able to thank Dr G  for allowing me to grow up.
  You can't repay that.
 Dr G did s/thing wonderful  for others, altruistic,unselfish.His life has been one of giving, if this were the ONLY  thing he did.
 I really want my life to be one of giving, as I get more healed.
 I am not as afraid of life, as I was. Your voice is supposed to protect you, but with an abusive M, you had to protect HER, so you were naked, at the whim of everyone.
 My Aunt protects herself. It is natural to her.
 Abused people give up their heart and souls,in order to survive. Protecting themselves is a luxury they were not allowed.
 Our souls went  to the abuser, in exchange for   survival.
 The wisdom  to deal with life has to be in you, not in expecting others to treat you in a certain way. It won't happen and can't happen b/c they are  fighting  their own battles.
 My voice is closer to me than it ever was and I am very grateful.
                                       Love   Ami