Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Adult Siblings Who Were Raised in Narcissitic Families

<< < (3/7) > >>

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Ishana ---Lately I've been wanting to pull away from her but she is very needy, especially emotionally.  The problem is that when I try to be available or there for her she just pushes me away.  Then, when I stay away she becomes enraged that I'm not giving her enough attention.
--- End quote ---


I don't know what her special needs are, but people with emotional problems will "test" others to see if they have any boundaries. They will push beyond acceptable limits to try to keep getting gratification. Of course, they can't get it as it's humanly impossible. Then they become enraged. It's a vicious cycle of their bad behavior (testing) pushing others away, followed by rage at being abandoned.

The only way to deal with this (and it's hard) is to draw firm limits and stick to them like glue. She'll detect any lessening of boundaries as a total cave-in by you, and she'll demand even more. When you set limits with her, she will be deeply enraged. Don't let this deter you. Keep it up and she will soon realize that you have boundaries. You have to keep enforcing them, though.



--- Quote from: Ishana ---I have only had contact with my younger brother 3 or 4 times since I became an adult and left home.  I am sad about this because I feel I do not know him.  I understand that the reason he is so distant is to protect himself, but I still feel sad for myself and my son, who is his only nephew.  My brother is my son's only Uncle.  My brother only saw my son once, when my son was 3 years old.  My son is 20 now.  This is a deep loss for me and my son.
--- End quote ---


Can you or your son contact him now and start a connection?

bunny

Ishana:
Thank you everyone for your feedback.  Wow, that feels GREAT!   :D

Dawning...my sister refuses diagnosis or treatment.  She is pretty functional in some ways...not in others.  She does have a recent (within the past year) diagnosis on the brain trauma but they aren't doing anything to help her that I am aware of.  My plan is to visit her doctor in the Fall.

I agree about the boundaries for my sister Bunny and Guest.  I am doing that but it is hard because it upsets her so much...

I have tried many times...even quite recently...to establish contact with my brother.  Mostly he doesn't even respond.  Once in a while I catch him at home and we chat a bit...but mostly, no.  I've been down in his area a few times and he avoids a meeting.  

I am available and have made it clear that 1) I am not judgemental (he has a different lifestyle than mine), 2)  I am relaxed and am willing to build a relationship slowly in ways that feel good to both of us, and 3)  he is important to me and I love him.

He may be racist (my husband and I are different races) because he has said things about that before.  Also, in the past he has had way more money than I so maybe that's an issue.  (Status and materialism are strong values to many people in my family.)  I really don't know what is blocking him from responding to my requests for relationship but I hope someday he will be able to trust me a little bit.  

I've only seen him twice since he was 13 years old, which was about 24 years ago.  We were badly abused so maybe I represent very bad memories.  

He will always have a special place in my heart and I hope he knows that because I have told him several times orally and in writing.

I can't think of anything else to do to remedy the situation.

Anyone with some ideas let me know!

Ishana

Jenocidal:
I have a half brother.  He is 9 yrs younger than me.  Up until he was born, I was merely physically abused when punished, yelled at and ignored.  But once my brother was born he was placed in a superiority position over me as "mom's favorite".  The difference between me and my brother was glaring; she had more respect and even some love for my brother's father, and she disdained the mistake she made when she had me with my father (whom she loathes and disrespects).  While growing up, I always felt that my mother deamed me as competition of some sort.  She would date boys not more than 3-4 yrs older than me, then hide them away in her bedroom.  She would go out of her way to intergrate my brother into whatever man de jour she had going on, but never me.  

My brother grew up with every advantage in life.  He was given golf memberships every year since he was 7 yrs old.  At any given time the child had three or more personal computers.  He had all the toys, went to all the summer sports camps, had all the expensive clothes, was even given two cars, one of which is brand new, all before the age 18.  All this while I, as a young teen, struggled on disability and welfare with the illness I acquired while enduring the physical abuse.  I left home at age 16 - it was either I kill myself, or I kill her.  I left and started anew... and she hated me for it.  

My brother is incredibly, and self admittedly (as my mother is also) narcissitic... yet has the classic fragile narcissistic ego that he hides behind his false self.  My mother doesn't like my sibling and I to communicate or interact without her present so, coupled with his lack of respect for me learned from our maternal structure, my brother and I don't have a relationship, yet we are very accessable to eachother.  I fear this is how things will be always.

And one more thing, and I'd like to get feedback on this as I have thought about it at great length, and discussed this with other interested family members... so here goes.

What drives a Narcissistic  single mother to feel the need to sleep in the same bed as her adult son?  And what causes an adult son (now 18 yrs old) to continue to sleep with his mother?  Even when other sleeping arrangements are possible?

Dawning:
Jenocidal,


--- Quote ---What drives a Narcissistic single mother to feel the need to sleep in the same bed as her adult son? And what causes an adult son (now 18 yrs old) to continue to sleep with his mother? Even when other sleeping arrangements are possible?
--- End quote ---


Imo,  its very unhealthy enmeshment between the two.  She sees him as a part of herself and she has...to quote Sam..."malignant self-love" which expresses itself in this behaviour.  The son is only 18 - still quite young and she is likely taking advantage of him and his vulnerability being around her.

My mother tried to get me to kiss her on the mouth for years.  I started doubting my mother as a teenager when she wanted me to come into her room and sleep with her.  Sometimes, she would keep me - as a 16 year old - embroiled in some conversation about her (cloaked as her concern about me and my naughty adolescent ways) in her bedroom for hours.  I am always on guard around her and am very nervous even about changing clothes when she is around.  And, in the past, when we've travelled together, I've had to make sure that the hotel accomodation is for twin beds.  

I hope your half-brother can come to an understanding as soon as possible about how detrimental this is for his future growth.  Backpacking around Europe for a few months might be the ticket.   :)

Good for you for getting away from your mother's house.

Jenocidal:
My mother (we call her the warden) used to try to force me to sleep "with the family" in one bed all my life.  But I always pushed for my own space and I think that made my mother deam me as "out of the family unit" , and thusly evil.

My 18 yr old brother is very much a man.  He's had a steady, serious relationship since he was 15 yrs old, maintains a part time job now that school is done and still continued(s) to sleep with mom.

Should I intervene?  And how would an adult sister (I'm 27 yrs old) help enlighten her little brother to their mother's pathology?

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page