Know it Alls - Do You Know One?

[SilverLining]

What I realized, upon reflection and recollection, was, is, that my Mother, quite clearly, has only ever chosen to have continual connection and communication with those of whom are deemed as "of lessor knowledge" to that of which she may possess.

Amazing, I can remember those of whom she had treated quite cruelly actually.  Always, "Put Downs" and other traits of, what I now understand more fully as "Passive-Aggressive" behaviour.

Hi Leah.  It sure seems familiar to me. I wonder if in order to stay in necessary continued relationship with the parents, we learn to make ourselves into the "lesser beings" they need?

It seems they are caught in a never ending N-ish trap.  They need to have other lesser beings around them.  At the same time they have to abuse those others in order to feel whole.  So it's a constant push-pull process.  No wonder being around them feels like a hellish emotional roller coaster.

[Gabben]

We've all met these people: They've seen everything before but get it all wrong nonetheless. So why do people overstate their knowledge? It's not necessarily a calculated effort to impress others. Some people may just think that everything they encounter is familiar to them, even if it's entirely fabricated.

"People who overclaim are likely not aware of their behavior," Paulhus states in a paper presented at the American Psychological Association annual meeting. "Perhaps [the behavior] becomes more habitual over time and thus becomes a default reaction in relevant situations."

This was interesting tt.

I can think of a couple of people in my life that fit the description of a "know it all" -- yes, they annoyed me...perhaps that was when I was going through my faze of know it all because that was precisely when I was the least self-ware.

Today I had to think hard for a person in my life that annoys me with know it all behavior and I realized that that person is super cool and I really like them despite that they think that they really do know it all....I think that is a testament to my growth

But looking back I can see that the not cool person in my life, who had a know it all attitude, was really the least self-aware and full of self-deception person that I could think of. She was an defense attorney and full of her self. She interupted constantly with one-ups and slight put-downs == toxic.

But eventually, as I have grown healthier by facing myself I grew away from her. Learning to never amputate people from my life, unless P or N, I learned that I could have friendly contact from a far with emails and birthday and Christmas cards.

Lise

 

[Certain Hope]

Learning to never amputate people from my life, unless P or N, I learned that I could have friendly contact from a far with emails and birthday and Christmas cards.

Lise

Friendly contact from afar.... I like that!!

Till recently, I had no clue that it was possible to simply maintain a healthy distance from some folks without totally cutting them out of my life. That perspective has faded along with so much of the other black and white thinking to which I was accustomed for many years (wonder where I learned that!  )
Seems so strange now to have ever looked at the world that way... like it alll happened in another dimension - - the twilight zone, indeed.  I am so glad that's over!!

Thanks, Lise  and tt 

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

What I realized, upon reflection and recollection, was, is, that my Mother, quite clearly, has only ever chosen to have continual connection and communication with those of whom are deemed as "of lessor knowledge" to that of which she may possess.

Amazing, I can remember those of whom she had treated quite cruelly actually.  Always, "Put Downs" and other traits of, what I now understand more fully as "Passive-Aggressive" behaviour.

Hi Leah.  It sure seems familiar to me. I wonder if in order to stay in necessary continued relationship with the parents, we learn to make ourselves into the "lesser beings" they need?

It seems they are caught in a never ending N-ish trap.  They need to have other lesser beings around them.  At the same time they have to abuse those others in order to feel whole.  So it's a constant push-pull process.  No wonder being around them feels like a hellish emotional roller coaster.

Hi SilverLining,

Thank you - I so resonate with all that you have kindly shared.

I wonder if in order to stay in necessary continued relationship with the parents, we learn to make ourselves into the "lesser beings" they need?

YES!  I feel validated - with regard to this experience in my life, with my parents.  Simply because, "lesser beings" was indeed, what one had to be, to co-exist, survive, with my parents.  They clearly despised intelligence - they denied their children, not just myself, and held them back.

My brother and I, have just recently engaged in a discussion, with regard to our parents behaviour(s), and we can run down the 'tick list' of Passive-Aggressive behaviour - with a startling realization of a 'perfect match.'   Amazingly, my brother has been working through a similar 'life healing' journey of discovery, as myself.


It seems they are caught in a never ending N-ish trap.  They need to have other lesser beings around them.  At the same time they have to abuse those others in order to feel whole.  So it's a constant push-pull process.  No wonder being around them feels like a hellish emotional roller coaster.

What you say is profoundly astute, and sadly, so true.  Constant push-pull process - explains it perfectly.  Truly, it did, does, feel like a mind bogglingly hellish emotional roller coaster.

Today, I am reminded of this excerpt:

.... They are in the business of being kind to those to whom one can feel superior.  Which explains why the Ns (and FOO) took us up when we were ill, or in a vulnerable state.   Their kindness depends on the other remaining in an inferior position. 

They stop 'loving' and being 'kind' - being 'nice' to us -- as soon as one becomes stronger - because they never loved, they only used our weaker position to make them feel strong.


Today, I remember the truth.  Certainly, Mother was nice, whenever one of her children, or someone she knew, was in a 'pickle' or a low place.

Grateful thanks to you, just knowing that someone understands the experience, is so validating.

Love, Leah
 

[gratitude28]

Wow, that is so true. My mother loves it when I am sick especially. Then she is backed with her nurse's education and can really give some help. I wonder why she can't do this in other areas of her life. I don't even tell her when I am sick anymore, because it annoys me that this is the only time she shows any concern, and I know it is because she wants to expound upon what she knows.
Love, Beth

[SilverLining]

Today, I am reminded of this excerpt:

.... They are in the business of being kind to those to whom one can feel superior.  Which explains why the Ns (and FOO) took us up when we were ill, or in a vulnerable state.   Their kindness depends on the other remaining in an inferior position. 

They stop 'loving' and being 'kind' - being 'nice' to us -- as soon as one becomes stronger - because they never loved, they only used our weaker position to make them feel strong.


Today, I remember the truth.  Certainly, Mother was nice, whenever one of her children, or someone she knew, was in a 'pickle' or a low place.



Love, Leah

That sure gives me some new understanding.  My mother and father were nice and supportive when I or one of my siblings was sick or otherwise down.  But that was the only time they seemed to pay much attention.  The rest of the time they were mostly indifferent and self absorbed.   My sister has had a series of ongoing illnesses and physical problems doctors can't diagnose for the past 25 years.  Now I wonder if she was conditioned into this as the only way to get some positive attention.  There is no validation from my parents for real achievement or health.     


 

[SilverLining]

But eventually, as I have grown healthier by facing myself I grew away from her. Learning to never amputate people from my life, unless P or N, I learned that I could have friendly contact from a far with emails and birthday and Christmas cards.

I think it's a good philosophy.   We just have to define for ourselves the kind of relationship we want.   I've found some of the more toxic people amputate themselves out of my life if they don't get the level of attention they want.  And that's just fine.   If I make a drama or an ordeal out of it that's my own doing, and my own responsibility. 

 

[Leah]

I think it's a good philosophy.   We just have to define for ourselves the kind of relationship we want.  I've found some of the more toxic people amputate themselves out of my life if they don't get the level of attention they want.  And that's just fine.    If I make a drama or an ordeal out of it that's my own doing, and my own responsibility. 
 

I've found some of the more toxic people amputate themselves out of my life if they don't get the level of attention they want.  And that's just fine.    

Personally, that is my experience also, and certainly was most beneficial in the eventual outcome of going No Contact with certain FOO members.

Leah x