Where I am.

[Gaining Strength]

I am in a significant transition.  I believe that I am moving out of this shame stuff and into functioning.  There are not words to describe how wretched a place I have been living. Shame is about your being not about your actions.  When you are shamed you are worthless.  In this Nathanson stuff Teartracks told me about, there is a list of all the catagories we can be shamed about.  Almost all of them applied to me.  If only some apply then you can go to the others and build yourself up and pretend the others don't exist.  You become functional or often extraordinary in those areas.  But I have rotted in misery and failure in all aspects and it is painful and difficult to climb out.

I want to scream out to people - Don't turn your back on me!

If I could get out of this rejection place then it would be easier.  If I could develop a group of friends or a social network then I could stand with someone.  But I really need to stop "If-ing" and building up a vision.  The vision is what propels us - a vision or a goal.  That has to be my next step - a vision.

I have said this and known this for years and yet not done it, not been able to do it for much of the time.  As I get relief and come close to breaking this shame perhaps now I have enough "space" to list my vision needs and create them.  That is definitely the next step.

I have really been apply this concept that shame and love cannot co-exist.  Until I had this I would work on "calming" techniques when the anxiety of shame popped up.  But the anxiety was sooo great that it only did so much, even with anti-anxiety meds.  But the concept of love gives me enough space (as in the space I can get in meditation) to work around the shame. Now if I develop my vision statements and apply them I will begin to flourish.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 I am in the same shame space. Perfect love(God's love) casts out fear. Shame is fear. It is fear that we are bad, as we were told we were, fear that we will be rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, not good enough)
 It is lies.
My Aunt simply says and "means",'I am not perfect". To her, she really IS OK with WHO she is.
 It is so different than I.
 I used to be there and want to get back.
 I love you, GS.     Ami

((((((((GS)))))))))


PS For me, when my worst fears come true, like I "feel" shamed, I can see that it won't kill me. This has happened on the board and has actually helped to set me free . Sometimes, experiencing our worst fear and "taking' in the pain of it, makes it heal. It is called "Flooding"
 At some point, the power of the feared thing diminishes.

[Gaining Strength]

when my worst fears come true, like I "feel" shamed, I can see that it won't kill me.
I am not there yet.  My worst fears have come true fear that we will be rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, not good enough) and it does feel like it has killed me.

[lighter]

My worst fears have come true fear that we will be rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, not good enough) and it does feel like it has killed me.

I don't know how to move through that kind of pain, GS.... and come out on the other end.... wounded but whole.

::wondering if accepting that you've been abandoned, ridiculed, not good enough for your mother, then giving up hope that she'll ever be able to do better......

would allow you to move through those feelings?::

Leave them behind, finally?

((GS))  You're focused on it..... I'm tihink'in you'll figure it out.

Lighter

[Ami]

Dear GS
 You are at a pivotal ,turning point right now, a fork in the road(IMO)
 It is much easier for me to be shamed  and deal with it, well,,on the board, than in real life.
 The janet thread and the aunt thread were on the board. I was shamed,out the whazoo(lol)
 I could not have taken it in real life,I don't think, but I DID grow from it ,here, very much.
 Shame is a lie and an imposter. IF we CAN allow it in, open the door and let it sit in the living room, not run away, we will see that it does NOT have the power to destroy us. It looks like it does, so we keep running, BUT it is a ghost in the mirror, powerless ,unless we  run and avoid staring it in the face and daring it to "Take your best shot". Then,it retreats, like any coward or bully.
That is my experience and I am still doing it and alive to tell the story(lol)          Love    Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

then giving up hope that she'll ever be able to do better......
I have definitely done that even though I write that I am still tied to her.  I know she can't/won't do better.  I also know that this healing depends solely on my thoughts/actions and does not depend on what the wounders or anyone else does.  In one way that sounds frustrating but in fact it is extremely liberating.  I am no longer a child dependent on them but am wholely free to produce my own healing.


You are at a pivotal ,turning point right now, a fork in the road(IMO)
Thanks Ami, I really believe so too.


I am in yet another transition.  I suppose I have said that many times here - sounds like the boy crying wolf in reverse.  I am truly in need of the support of those here who can offer support.  I have never said THAT before.  I do truly believe that I am very, very close.  I know too that there will be more to come and other times I ask for support but now is definitely a crucial time for me.

I am ANGRY today, very, very angry.  Anger has been a VERY dangerous feeling for me until now.  It has caused me to lash out inappropriately and suffer horrendous consequences but today my anger is different.  It is an anger over what i have suffered and if I channel it correctly, I can use its energy to propel me forward.  I am angry at the years of suffering and the lack of help, the lack of support.  Dr. Phil and much of our society would say I have made choices but he lacks the knowledge and understanding to know that it is only a choice if you are conscious of it and are unimpeded to act.  The shame that has shackled me heretofore has not allowed me to act anymore than a debilitating physical illness would have.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 James has worked through deep patterns, as you are describing. He told me,last night, that anger is a cover for hurt. We need to feel  the hurt(IMO)
 I am trying to access the hurt, which is under the anger.
I am where you are, GS, if that is any consolation(LOL)
 We have to go IN to the feelings, not run away.
That is what I am trying to do by reading the Alice Miller website.
 I wish Papillion were here. He really got it about where we are.
  Maybe, James will write about some of this. He has gone through much of this and come out the other side. H e said it was the most painful thing he ever did, but there was freedom ,on the other side.   Love    Ami



(((((((((GS)))))))

[Leah]

Dear (((( GS )))) and (((( Ami ))))

What James has shared, is so true, it truly is painful, and personally, it seem that I wept / sobbed my heart out, constantly for a period of well over 18 months duration.

And my tummy was racked with pain, and churning.

Oddly enough, Ami, you mention Papillion, and only yesterday thoughts of Papillion filled my mind, along with other valued members of the board, sadly, all of whom, are no longer here posting; their valued insightful words - breathing life, hope, enlightenment, and encouragement, for the purpose of healing, and renewal.

Much love to you both,

Leah x

[Leah]

Dear Gaining Strength,

I do sincerely believe that you are at a strong, significant point in your healing journey.

And I would like to express, from my heart, that you have my sincere, utmost respect and admiration, for your diligence and determination.

You are a shining beacon here.

Love to you,

Leah

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))

I know I would like you in the real world just from knowing you here. I think you will find that many people like you. Take the plunge!!!!!!! You are ready!!!! Others will feel treasured to find you!!

Love, Beth

[lighter]

::So relaxed I'm drooling::

Thanks for sharing that , Amber: )


Lighter

[Hopalong]

Dittos, Amber...thank you

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[Gaining Strength]

OMG PR - how did I miss this fabulous meditative exercise?  I love it.  I want to add it to my bag of tricks.  It will definitely help.

I am developing more and more techniques to transport me from the shaming feelings and thoughts to good life feelings//////'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''(dog typing).  There are moments during the day that I feel myself slipping and think I am losing it and something snaps and I know in an instant that I can do it, I have the strength and that I can do it if I believe I can - believing is power - and suddenly I am back where I need to be - maybe stronger.

I'm getting there - step by step - not giving in, not giving up.  I'm somewhere hovering over the hump but slightly past the center leaning towards downhill, moving towards the place that gravity takes over and pulls me into new life.  So close.

[Gaining Strength]

Yes - believing in power!! 

I was listening earlier today to someone talk in depth about the power of believing and how doubt can undermine that power.  They were speaking on the profundity of the scene preceding, "I believe, help my unbelief."  (Matt 17 if interested) I resolved to move into a place of believing, seeking out doubt to destroy it. 

I believe.

[Ami]

(((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))     Love   Ami