Hi everyione,
Link for this article: http://fitfare.net/2007/05/25/dealing-with-manipulative-people/
Last month, I wrote about Dealing with Toxic People. Since then, I have had a request to tackle an equally important type of person that affects the lives of everyone: manipulators.
Who are they?
Manipulators are not necessarily as easy to point out in your life as toxic people. The reason being is that not all manipulators are toxic. For example, there are some people who know how to use their powers of charm and charisma to haggle a great price at your local flea market. In a sense, they are manipulating the situation, playing on weaknesses, and harnessing their talents, to get something for themselves. Everyone tends to end up happy usually, and no one gets upset. In these cases, while the person may be manipulating the situation to their advantage, it is not necessarily in a way that negatively affects others.
However, people who manipulate others are, in fact, toxic to your health and they can be at times difficult to spot. I have narrowed down the most common traits you would find in those that manipulate you or others below.
The Phony
Nothing about this individual is true in nature. They smile to your face, laugh at your jokes, agree with your ideas, and appear to be extremely chummy with you. Meanwhile, they are laughing at you, talking about you, and betraying you at every turn to anyone and everyone else if you have unknowingly crossed them. They instigate problems with you and others, only to leave you wondering how the problems began in the first place. This character also parades themselves touting their high morals and principles, devotion to their religion, or truth in their words. They may also try to appear wealthier than they may be, or happier with their lives than anyone else.
The truth about the phony is that they are anything but what they say they are to you. Never take their word for it, see it in their action and that is where the truth will be.
The Sweet Talker(Controller)
This person knows how to talk their way into anything. Seemingly innocent in nature, they tend to take the role of ‘nice’ person often. They are cordial, friendly, and polite and leave a positive impression upon you initially. These people tend to be difficult to figure since they are not necessarily as obviously fake as the phony.
This individual is the one that knows how to influence everyone into making a choice that is favorable to the sweet talker. He or she may be able to sway a group to eat at her choice restaurant or see his choice movie. This extends beyond being a decision maker, but also playing a leading role in any situation. These people cannot share the spotlight or the power and feel threatened when anyone in any situation (work, family, group of friends) starts to get noticed. They then sweet talk their way into being sure that no one takes away their role as leader or decision maker.
The Deceiver
Those that use deception at will to gain control or power are the deceivers. A clear way to notice a deceiver is when you catch them in their own web of lies. This, however, can be very difficult to do because they are such pro’s at deceiving they are able to cover up any suspicion by casting doubt on you yourself.
Things they may say to try and fuddle you can be: “I didn’t say that, I said….” or “Actually, I told you that this is what happened, don’t you remember?” or “Oh yeah, but then this happened and then that…”
They are quite good at covering their tracks and it proves to be difficult to nail them unless you have another person to verify and fact check.
The Distorter
These people live in their own fantasy world. They make up anything to prove their point, whether its true or not, and they believe it to boot! It is strange to imagine what goes on in their heads, but ultimately its one the of the hardest types of people to reason with. In fact, these are the people that create wild stories to give the impression that they know everything about everything.
The reason why a distorter can be dangerous is that if the person they are talking to does not realize they are speaking from a twisted sort of reality, then every word they say can be held as truth. Rumors start from these type of people, and they spread quickly.
The best way to handle this type of person is to simply take anything they say as a grain of salt.
The Victim
I saved the victim for last because I believe these are the worst type of manipulators. I say they are the worst because they will do anything in their power to get everyone to believe they were wronged. They never take any responsibility for any problems they may be involved in and always look to blame someone else. They have no respect for others, but demand respect for themselves. When you point out their inconsistencies, they accuse you of being just like everyone else and continue to bemoan their neverending sorrows.
If they have ever felt unhappy with someone, they call and speak to everyone about it and do their best to turn whoever they are speaking to against the person they have angst against. If possible, it is best to cut all ties to the victim or distance as much as you can. Close ties with this drama queen type will only increase stress in your life.
Recognizing the traits is the first step
A good manipulator is a combination of any of these above. It’s rare to find just a phony, or just a victim. Typically, a good manipulator has all of their traits rolled into one. Pay close attention to people you suspect are manipulating you. You may begin to see patterns and can distinguish how their personality ties in with the above mention qualities.
Once you have recognized what you are up against, you have a few ways to handle it.
1. Call them out. Let it be known that you see their behavior and will no longer succumb to it. This by far is the most difficult way to approach it. Once you have revealed their true nature to them, they will do anything and everything in their power to guilt you, upset you, turn everyone against you, and try to make your life miserable. Calling them out will threaten the manipulator and only make them come at you stronger and harder.
I would only recommend calling one out when they have been tormenting you for a long period and you are ready to let go and move on. This method cannot work in an office setting with your boss where you need to continue working in the same place. Appropriate times to do this can be when you are ending a relationship or friendship. Be sure though to expect a harsh backlash to this method. The manipulator will make you feel so guilty or miserable for saying anything and if you cannot handle this, then move on to other options.
2. Ignore them. It is not easy at first, but if you try to ignore the attempts to make you feel guilty, or control you, they may end up just leaving you alone after a while since its too much work for them to even try their tactics on you. Pretty soon they will move on to someone who is easier to lead.
3. Distance yourself. This is easier said that done of course. If the person manipulating you is your spouse or parent, picking up and moving away might not be an option. However, those that are able to distance can simply cut back on spending time with this person.
Who are they?
Manipulators are not necessarily as easy to point out in your life as toxic people. The reason being is that not all manipulators are toxic. For example, there are some people who know how to use their powers of charm and charisma to haggle a great price at your local flea market. In a sense, they are manipulating the situation, playing on weaknesses, and harnessing their talents, to get something for themselves. Everyone tends to end up happy usually, and no one gets upset. In these cases, while the person may be manipulating the situation to their advantage, it is not necessarily in a way that negatively affects others.
I personally do not agree with the blogger that these types are non toxic. I believe that if haggling, as in the flea market scenario, ends up in a win/lose, then one of the people has been manipulated in a toxic fashion. Greed under the guise of good natured haggling is still greed. I'm aware that flea marketers, car salesmen, and other types set the scene to accommodate haggling. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the person whose goal is to always make sure that the other person loses. Get my drift?
tt
