I am starting another thread because i think all the things I am about to post have been triggered y this job. I'm not sure and I don't really know what I mean but I need help else I am going to just go mad or do something even worse. I hate myself.. There I've said it I HATE MYSELF!!!!!.. I can't bear to look in the mirror. I feel like I am getting old every time I look at myself I seem to age my job and the senior people in it have made me voiceless again. They talked over me and laughed and sniggered at me when I tried to be ethical and now I have walked and I have absolutely nothing.. No self esteem, no reference
at the same time I've been going out with a guy for the past six months. He's handsome kind and soft but he's eight years younger than me. I AM TERRIFIED HE WILL LEAVE ME BECAUSE I AM UGLY OR OLD OR BOTH.. I keep looking at my skin and comparing it to his and measuring out the time when it'll be too much for him and he will go. He of course looks a lot younger than he is which makes it 100 times worse..
I'm tired of feeling like this and i feel like I'm giving up on everything.. I don't have ay more fight in me...
And now I feel pathetic for posting this and like I am just wallowing in self pity
sorry
Spyralle
It is your genuine voice talking but I hear also perhaps the voice of your parents, were they critical of you?
It sounds like you have good moral character and the N's you work with can never stand that, right?
When someone good comes along to an N it threatens them, their projection defenses and dissimulation kick in.
"This example also illustrates how a narcissist deals with unwanted awareness of her moral turpitude. Whenever her efforts to keep knowledge of it repressed fail and it surfaces to consciousness on her, she just tells herself, "No, I'm not like that...SHE is!" projecting that fault or failing off onto the nearest target. You might say that this is how she cleanses herself of sin — by smearing it off on someone else." This stuff can really tear us down and then we begin to tear ourselves down. N's tweak our self hatred, if we have any. But you can bet that if you are hanging out with N's too much in your life then you perhaps are a LV who is still unconsciously attracting the toxic air in your life because it is so familiar.
But then again, N's are everywhere and sometimes we just fall prey, who knows.
Anyway...This past year the N in my life took so much from me, including my looks, I deteriorated out of my own self-hatred that was tweaked by the covert bully in my life but the present is just an acting out of my childhood; the real bully in my life was and is my mom.
But I am determined to get my beauty back, beauty is really on the inside, a loving heart can never grow old and never dissapear.
(((((((((((((Lise )))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Spyralle))))))))))))))
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