Using sons against each other

[nogadge]

 
I do not know what my final decision will be, what ever it turns out to be at the time I do it.
Nogadge 

[gjazz]

If you do what is right, that's the lesson the boys will learn.  It doesn't necessarily matter win vs. lose in the courts, in my opinion, because there are unjust lawyers and unjust laws, as there are unjust men (a sort of Ghandi paraphrase there).  But if you stand up no matter what for honesty and full disclosure, in the end, that's what we all come down to, and your kids will know where the strength in the family lies.

[Gaining Strength]

I gave a brief note on this when I responded to the question re: choosing of  names on another thread.
I remember now.  Thanks for the repeat.

gjazz - that's powerful!

[nogadge]

 8)gjazz,
Ya know, You folks are wonderful for re-affirmations.  I keep reading the echos of wisdoms, that I attribute to my folks brought back to me.  You remind me of all the things in life that are part of who we are and why we chose our individual course of actions that we sometimes forget about because we haven't consciousely thought about putting them into words as of late.
Thanks for pulling stuff out of the mists and into words that give me the comfort of my parents "old school/old fashioned" feelings and beliefs of looking at things, how things ought to be.
I miss them so much, and it's feeling really good to have their essence/gist brought back to me.
 Nogadge 

[gjazz]

Glad it's helping.  It seems to me that as long as you follow your conscience, you're in a position of power, esp. over someone who doesn't have one.  In time he'll have to explain his actions to his sons.  You will not.  Time: heals wounds, wounds heels.  As the proverb goes!  Hang in there.

[nogadge]

gjazz,
I'm not agreeing with applying or gaining "power".  I'm not a player, people have never been toy/pawns.  I suppose from the prospective of what I now know my ex to be a player, you do have a point about power giving one the upper hand, and the perception by those who cater to it, and bow to it when they look at those they view/percieve as being the one in charge/controll.  I am neither by choice, just the one who's had to deal with most everything that needed to be addressed and taken care of.  You just do what has to be done when it left up to you and no one elsse will do it.
It's never been my desire to be in charge/controll/dictate, ect. or anything along these lines.  You can not force/make anyone to do anything, what they do, they do of their own free will.
I would like to think you're right about the turn of future events and hopefully, my ex will find a way to do so when the boys look to him for this.
Nogadge

[gjazz]

Not having power over someone else, having power in yourself, a type of power an N cannot ever have, because they operate largely without conscience.  I'd never suggest spending one iota of time engaging in power games with an N. 

[nogadge]

I've always believed there's good in eveeyone, even the mean spirited.  You just have to look a little deeper and try a little harder, but you'll find a good side in anyone.  i never looked at the doing/detting things done and the dynamics that it took that way all these years.  It started long ago, doing for the one I loved because I could and it made things easier/better for him, and I was happy to do what I could for the one I cared for.  giving/lending help, doing for someone else because I wanted to and I enjoy giving a hand brought me to being someone, somewhere I couldn't understand how I could have allowed myself to get to. 
It all came to a head last Nov. '07, when I filed my final divorce papers.  That's about the time a reference someone made to me about the various disorders, and it was such a relief when I began reading on them and realised they actually applied and I could relate to things I was reading for the first time. Since then, I've come to realise I am not going to understand or be able to figure how and what happen with my ex, what I did or did not do, how to change or make it better...no amount of trying could repair/fix or make anything work out.

 In response to one of the attacks from my exs' references to us, re: our dysfuntional relationship, I broke it in to two definition/componets: him= violent abusive narcisist
                                                                                                                                                                                                 :  me = developementalized codependency behaviorlisms  .....NO, I did not send this to him.  That would have really added fuel to the fire.   I just sat back and really looked at what I had written and thought how ironically appropriate it seemed looking at the past.  I can humph abd chuckle at my snide little retorte that no longer applies to me.  Like I said, I have been so blessed, I somehow find my way to what I need most to help me get thru, some call it self preservation.  I guess I have to accept and apply this to my ex, and perhaps was part of  what drove him  to some degree.
Nogadge

[nogadge]

   I have the best boys in the world!!!!!!  Yeah, for my eldest.  He stayed out of it, despite dad's attempts over the weekend to pull him in.  Even in court today, dad tried and the judge allowed me to counter without problems.  It's the first time I've had to face him like this alone, with out my support person in court.  It took me over 2 hours for my stomach to even start settling down, an to stop looking over my shoulders.  It's in the judges' hands now.  Nogadge.