To Prevent Sinking

[Ami]

I feel these feelings of sadness come over me.They are deep, cries of pain for my losses in childhood. They may feel like they are from current situations, but they are from throwing my real self away, like a boat throwing off cargo ,to prevent sinking.
 I had to prevent sinking.
 Why else would you do this?          Ami

[Overcomer]

Drink too much to prevent sinking.  Eat too much to prevent sinking.  Anything to keep those feelings at bay.  Then the escape becomes one of the problems.  I think I did not realize I was sinking until 40.  Before that it was just a nagging feeling of discontent.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 I am so glad you "got" this. I am getting the inkling it was NOT my fault, which is a tremendous relief.
    Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Honey - I know this is not our fault.  And the fact that our mothers continue to have such a negative impact on us.....it is criminal!!!  We have got to get better.  This is no way to live - in a constant state of turmoil!!!  Someone once told me to imagine my mom in Minnie Mouse clothing.  Talking real squeaky and high pitched.  Then she if what she says has any impact on us......not they become comedy....

[Gabben]

I feel these feelings of sadness come over me.They are deep, cries of pain for my losses in childhood. They may feel like they are from current situations, but they are from throwing my real self away, like a boat throwing off cargo ,to prevent sinking.
 I had to prevent sinking.
 Why else would you do this?          Ami

Ami -- compassionate hugs to you. Let the tears roll...you will be OK, you are OK, the sadness is OK.

Love,
Lise

[sKePTiKal]

The sadness - the loss - is you saying:

I MATTER. I'm IMPORTANT. How I FEEL is important.

The sadness is you caring about & loving yourself. It's a great gift.

[seasons]

Dear Kelly
 I am so glad you "got" this. I am getting the inkling it was NOT my fault, which is a tremendous relief.
    Love   Ami

Thanks Kelly, now I get it, profound.

Dear Ami,
That inkling is a seed, a freedom for it to grow for you from the inside out. I hear your relief, breaking through to the other side, the TRUTH!!!!!!!!

 ((much love)) seasons

[Ami]

Thank you, Seasons, Amber, Lise and Kelly,
When I wrote this thread I expected some version of  'Don't have a pity party'.
However, I need to be where *I* am . I am not going to "fake" being s/place else, for s/one elses's comfort.
 That was my original childhood problem.I had to throw off my true feelings b/c s/one would get mad at me or punish me, in many different forms.
 Healing involves re-claiming WHERE you are,not where it looks "pretty" to be.             Love   Ami

[seasons]

Ami,

However, I need to be where *I* am . I am not going to "fake" being s/place else, for s/one elses's comfort.
 That was my original childhood problem.I had to throw off my true feelings b/c s/one would get mad at me or punish me, in many different forms.
 Healing involves re-claiming WHERE you are,not where it looks "pretty" to be.         

Wow, this is huge, I have I have felt my whole life except you put it into words. Making it look pretty, being a good girl, protecting ourselves, trying to survive being a child.
But we are not children anymore. Even though I have to remind myself I do have power, only over myself.

Your words are like poetry to my heart. Watching you reclaim your life is a life preserver for others. Thanks you for bravely sharing your deepest needs, without it I wouldn't be able to hear such healing words of wisdom.  ((seasons))

[Ami]

Oh My Gosh
 I am so touched , Seasons. I found an Enlightened Witness, James, who let me just "be", in the Alice Miller way. and just feel what the child felt and was WITH me as I re-claimed my true feelings, not the
intellectual" ones I "should have" like the "parent did the best they could". The little child felt what they felt and they will KEEP replaying it until it is felt .
 However, it is really hard to re -feel it ,all alone. Go to the Alice Miller web site, if this sounds right to you.
 If you could find s/one, a therapist of a friend who understood , who could be WITH you, in the process, I know you could heal,once and for all,b/c *I* am.   Love    Ami

((((Seasons)))))))

[gratitude28]

This week I am feeling sad too. I feel sad that I never had friends to play with, sleepovers, a normal childhood. I am grateful I could give that to my children, but I just feel so sad...
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

We get to experience "self"-pity because in our families, no one pitied us for the horrors that we endured, no one comforted us when others were cruel, no one pitied us when we fell on our faces.  It is the comfort and pity that must come before the boosting and encouragement.  We must be welcomed by loving arms and held and comforted before we can regain our composure and persevere.

[Ami]

I am experiencing  many  feelings as I try to have "integrity", strength and  trust in myself. I have SHOWN  anger to a primary person in my life. 
 I have made several decisions to show anger and also, express my OWN thoughts. I feel   afraid, BUT I realize that I carry this fear with me, all the time anyway, as I try to be servile .
 My "pleasing " attitude is a way to  push down the fear  I have now. I am trying to "manage" if s/one else gets angry or leaves me.
 All I can say is "It is scary"(lol)      Ami


PS I think this fear is feeling like I cannot master my OWN ship. I must,obsessively, give it up to another, many others, anyone, to tell me how to be , think and act. I must get outside permission ,so I don't make a "mistake".All these things are behind the fear.What would I do to myself, if I made a mistake. That is my real fear,of myself and my own critical self image--bleh.

[Hopalong]

I cannot master my OWN ship. I must,obsessively, give it up to another, many others, anyone, to tell me how to be , think and act. I must get outside permission ,so I don't make a "mistake".All these things are behind the fear.What would I do to myself, if I made a mistake.

Big one, Ami. You've asked a very big question. I think this question will take you somewhere new.
It's amazing how often it's really figuring out what the question is, rather than getting the answers.

love
Hops

[seasons]

This week I am feeling sad too. I feel sad that I never had friends to play with, sleepovers, a normal childhood. I am grateful I could give that to my children, but I just feel so sad...
Love, Beth

(((Beth))) What a loving mother. Hope the sadness goes away soon for you. love seasons