learning in the garden

[Hopalong]

Well, here's a tale. Kind of eyeopening for me. I'd like to share it and welcome comments/advice.

This thing that's happening between me and my gardening friend is lovely, tender and delightful. It's also illuminating some unfinished work in me. So some backstory:

He's a bit of an outsider, which I can relate to. He's also, beneath a little bit of macho, a sensitive and caring sort. He also has had some catastrophic relationships in which he was very hurt. I was drawn to him since we met, and have not been disappointed. Being close to him is a gift. He's sweet to me, cuddly, and our time together is joyful.

It's the in-between time that is challenging me to learn some more on an old theme. I take as a given that I can't get this close to someone without some vulnerability. Some feelings being stirred, and some old bruises aching a little. And that's okay. I don't expect not to feel old nerves twinging, with my own history of being very hurt. I am hoping that we are going to be doing some important healing together, for however long it lasts.

My issue is this. When we first talked about an intimate relationship, I intentionally set things up in such a way that I would be more or less a secret. I offered discretion, no possessiveness at all (other than our commitment to monogamy), and defined it as friendship. When he said he didn't really want "a girlfriend" (though that could change), and didn't picture himself marrying, I said that was okay with me.

Looking back, I realize that my efforts to be undemanding and not overwhelm him also signal a message from me to myself. I didn't realize it when I was talking to him, but I think proposed these conditions because my past experience with witholding, ambivalent men who didn't want to commit to a serious relationship told me that I would be lucky for any attention at all. Hmm. I hadn't realized why I was offering conditions to him the way I did. It has dawned on me slowly. The message from me to myself is, this is all I should hope for. Maybe...this is all I deserve. When my true yearning for the long term is to be the mate of someone who loves me so fully that they DO want me first as a girlfriend, and eventually as a wife.

A sweet but troubled younger man who envisions himself as alone in the long term? My pattern: Come to Mama. So that's contrary to my own best interests.

And how do I reconcile that with the great happiness that I feel in our "arrangement"? This, too, is healing for me. To be held, and wanted, and cuddled and close for hour upon hour. This does fulfill a large part of my dream.

I don't feel angry at him for accepting my offer. He's been just as lonely as I and needs the closeness as much as I do. And neither of us is ready for a full-tilt total commitment right away. I got the cart before the horse because my need was strong enough that I was willing to just ask the universe to let me be held. And he's a person I intuitively trust.

Today at church I intentionally didn't approach him, let him socialize afterward on his own. I also have many friends to greet and chats to share. By the end of the social hour I simply started to leave. We'd exchanged a smile but hadn't talked. He came right over, kissed me on the cheek. He is a dear lovely guy. But this is an odd situation and I realize I should not let it go on just like this for too long. It's tiggering to me, but I created the conditions. Even though my persistent dream is to have someone in my life who is proud and glad to be by my side, not only in private, but in the world.

I have basically set things up so he'll visit me and we'll have an intimate evening probabaly once a week, and garden together. But in public, it's different. And I know from past relationships that this not being acknowledged as a committed partner can get quite painful. At the same time, the reality of being with him is very happy. We talk for hours, and in this time the closeness is very real.

For now, I'm going to leave him in complete freedom to explore his own limits and feelings for me. But internally, I've set a kind of a timeline. I think I can continue on this basis for about three months, and then it will be time for a tuneup chat. If it's still the same sort of pattern, I may need to tell him what I've realized. I have feelings for him (which I've of course blurted anyway), but I really am not going to sacrifice myself. I've set up a situation that suggests I should be a "Saturday night secret", unacknowledged, and without the security and pleasure of being a partner.

So why would I continue this at all? My intuition tells me that giving him that level of freedom at least for now is critical. He too is vulnerable. He's afraid just as I am. And he has a sweet heart. He's honest, and sensitive, and I truly care for him. He's no N monster man. My hope is that in a while, he might come to feel something more solid and serious for me. If he doesn't, then I will need to withdraw for my own sake.

I know I have done things backward. But he's bringing me joy and I'm giving him some, too. For what it is, for now, I am grateful.

Hope you can stand with me as I go forward with this. Here's my intention. To be grateful to the universe for the gift of him in my life, and to trust that releasing the outcome will mean that whatever the eventual outcome is, is right.

thanks for listening,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 It took so much courage to write that post. 
 You became 3D to me ,in a way I have never seen before.
 I am on such a "kick" with the book Reclaiming Your Life by Jean Jensen. Trust me on it ,like you did the Superfood(lol).
 We, all, play out our FOO patterns, down to the last detail.
 You told about some patterns ,in your post. You don't feel you "deserve". That is a FOO patten.
  You will be amazed how much of our current behavior is a setting up, unconsciously, of  family patterns.
 Now that  I know this  I will be able to heal  so  I am free and comfortable with myself.
  What *I* hear with your original set-up of the relationship as a "secret" is that you are going against 'human nature". In books and movies, things can work like that,but where human hearts are concerned, there are certain primal emotions that come in to play.
When you care for s/one, you do not 'want" them or you to be a 'secret".Also, you do not want them with other people.It is a 'heart reality(IMO).
 We cannot go against our hearts, as humans, just as much as we cannot go against our biolgy ,without repurcussions.
 I think you are learning about yourself in a deeper way, and that is what relationships do, as nothing else can.
 I am with you,in this, if you care for me to.    Love    Ami


((((((((((Hops)))))))

PS I thought this would be another,'"I planted begonias "thread and almost didn't read it(lol)

[Gaining Strength]

You acknowledgement to yourself about what is playing out is so important.  I think that self-knowledge and understanding is one of the most important things we can hope for.  As long as that is operating for you, you will be guided by your inner self and you will know how to handle each step. I am glad that you are receiving much pleasure and hope that your relationship will continue to be giing and comforting.  I believe that because you have so much insight into what is going on "behind the scenes" for yourself that you will find this a very healing and growing experience.  I suspect that you are moving into the place where you now "deserve" in the inner being of your core.  That "deserving" perhaps will effect your work and your situation with your mother and brother.

Already you have received that immense gift from this relationship - you have moved into "deserving."  And for that I give thanks.

Thanks so much for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life.
Your friend - Gaining Strength

[Lupita]

Well, when this is over, you already know it will be over, you already planned that way, you will need to find another gardener. I believe that you are behaving like a teenager.

Unless you have a deep change inside you, he will never commite to you. Any way, I thing you are re playing a self prophesy, and you will do it once and again, over and over.

I have a similar situation. But since I do not want the physical before commitement, it becomes a vicious circle, and he says he has a lover because he needs to satisfy his needs, and after all, we are only friends. Hmmm. Well, we will be friends forever, because I do not go backwards, first shows of responsibility, and then physical, not backwards. It does not work the other way.

My two cents.

But I have been alone for seventeen years. One only marriage and zero boyfriends, so, I might be different, and I did not have a mother to go to. So, we are just different. No saying rigt or wrong, just different.

God bless you.

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Ami. I appreciate that and it feels good to have you say you know me more.
I think one difference is that he has a heart that my previous men have not. He is responsible and empathic.
What intrigues me is that rather than choose a witholding man, I was acting out the witholding parent/brother inside myself. What pleases me is that I spotted it so quickly.

Thank you GS. So much, for your faith in me. I don't know where this experience will go but to know a friend trusts I am accessing some inner guidance is very reassuring. I don't have that toxic panicky clutchy feeling. I am watching some currents of feeling go through me. So far, no impulses I can't control. So far, a sense that like with the seeds and seedlings I have planted, I can watch this grow for a while. Trust that it's not all me who creates or shapes or ends this relationship. There are other forces at work and I feel like trusting the universe. I even feel like trusting a man again, and it's been a very long time.

Thank you, Lupita. I love your honesty. I know my choice isn't like one you would make. It was a powerful need, so powerful that as we sat on the porch, I just took a deep breath and told him what I had been thinking, asked what I wanted to ask, and released the outcome. He was quiet and said, "It took a lot of courage for you to put that out there." And he also said at one point, "Are we going to regret this?" and I said, "How could I regret this?" All very teenagery, and from such true places inside us.

love
Hops

[debkor]

Hops,


I am thinking back Hoppy and I dated a guy pretty much in the same fashion.  It did work out for me though.  I did the same, as you, and was not sure, as he was, how far we both wanted this to go. 

We had a good time and did our own thing also.  In the end we wound up not being in a relationship but the best  of friends.

So either way it works for you, a love, or a friend, it is still love.  I loved him as my friend.   

I wish the same for you (either way).

Enjoy yourself Hops.

Love
Deb

[gratitude28]

Hops, my sweetie, you sound just like a schoolgirl!!!! Hee hee.
Really, not to take any of this lightly, I don't think your boundary ideas that you put forth were in any way a statement about you or him. It is always hard to enter into a relationship (whatever the type may be) and you stated what you felt at the time. That doesn't mean that your feeling, or his, cannot change.
I know when I met my hubby, I was sick of men. I played no games, told him how I felt, and... it all changed aftger we got to know each other. There was another guy I had a friendship plus relationship with, and when it didn't work for me anymore... well... that was it. There are different stages in life, and different stages in relationships... and all of it changes.
So... Hops... relax and enjoy. It sounds like you have a nice, comfortable relationship now. If you and he want more at some point, it can change to something more.
I think sometimes we have to set limits in the beginning so we don't scare the other party - or ourselves.
Much love,
Beth

[lighter]

Hops.... it's good that you've taken an honest look at the the conditions you put in place for this relationship.

I think they do signal that you don't feel worthy for more.

You're exploring that... this is a growing experience for you.

The good thing is.... you're a woman with choices.

Relationships are all about negotiating.

Renegotiating relationships is an ongoing process, for all  relationships.

It never ends.

Everyone has the right to acknowledge their needs and get them met, even though it feels alien to you. 

What you have now is working. 

Perhaps you asked for exactly the right thing..... for the wrong reasons?

Enjoy what you have...... you aren't bound to this bargain for all eternity.

(((Hops)))

Tell me about your yard and garden, when you get a chance: )

Lighter

ps.... Remember... you're not married. 

Please don't say " no " to coffee, or an invitation for dinner.....

if it seems attractive to you.

Your bargain didn't include  NOT keeping your options open, which they certainly are, IMO.

Have fun.....

b o u n d a r i e s

have fun.


 

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I've had to re-read your description before responding...

I think you're being wise... cautious, but wise. This time of "getting to know you" has already brought you more than just what you asked for. It's shown you something new about you... without putting yourself, or this chap at risk. Very wise...

there are many possible outcomes to something like this. You may have discovered a life-long friend regardless of whether the two of proceed together or not. And there is soooooo much to be said for the giddy school-girl feelings! 

It may be, that this is your "time"... for hopes & dreams to become real. But it sounds to me, that even if this doesn't come to pass, you'll be able to continue to count on this man in mysterious ways... all because you were able to take the chance in such a way that boundaries still exist - safe boundaries. For both of you...

my fingers & toes are crossed for you!

[Overcomer]

Hops-we often sell ourselves short do we not?  You deserve the whole thing but you set yourself up.  As long as you understand that you may be disappointed in the long run you can go this.  I did this with my H-I only saw what I wanted to see and dismissed see flags ALL over the place.  Please do not ignore see flags-take it slow and enjoy yourself.

[Lupita]

one more advise:

detach from the outcome.

you are not your achievements, you are not your relatioships. At the end of the day you are left alone with what you think of your self, your self esteem is what you think of your self. The only thing you can use to access a person is his her inner peace.

One important way of loving our selves is detaching from the outcome and enjoying the present.

[lighter]

Very good advice, Lupita. 

Detach.

Yes.

Light

[Ami]

You Rock, Lupita!          Ami

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Deb, Beth, Lighter, Amber, OC, and *Lupita*.

Deb and Beth, it's comforting to be reminded that good things can start in all sorts of ways and one never knows. Deb, you have the memory of a good friendship and don't sound traumatized that it ended, evolved away, or whatever...Beth, you wound up with a hubby you love and who loves you. Awesome.

Lighter (renegotiating's always allowed--Yes!), I specified that my options are still open, as are his. So either of us can socialize or even "date" (whatever that means) -- but we are monogamous with each other. For me, that's the crosseyed part.

Amber (yes, you caught it--he is a GOOD person--and that's a huge change of tune for me) and OC (flag radar's on), you're right. I've set some boundaries, all right. Odd ones, but there they are.

Lupita, thank you. That is absolutely the bottom line. I do need to stay in the present. There really is no need to torture myself about outcome, it's a bad old habit. This is a WONDERFUL thing in my present. I don't feel any shame about our odd arrangement. I think since we've both been social rebels, in a sense we're safer doing things backwards. If we come to the more conventional commitments later, it will be because this feels safer now. Odd, very odd.

xo all,
Hops

[lighter]

::raising amazonian cup::

TO A WONDERFUL SUMMER IN THE GARDEN,

WITH HER FRIEND.

Hops.....

embrace,

laugh,

enjoy.

You deserve every wonderful moment.

Lighter