My Mother

[Ami]

Dear Seasons, Em, Amber, Kelly, Leah, James, Juno, Lise, Lost Kitten, GS, and Bones,
  Thank you for your posts. I needed a shot of love .
 I am going to tell you what happened ,with my M. It is buried in a long thread, so, usually, only people who care will bother to look.
 I remembered many upsetting things about my M. Many were her saying a shocking comment to me and then leering at me with a mocking ,smirking look.
 I told about the time my cousin and I(8,9) were playing with Barbies, at the kitchen table. My M asked my cousin, who was blonde, what color was her pubic hair. My stomach lurched like it does when you hear that s/one has died.
 When my M would say these  things(violations), my stomach would always feel the same way. It was a feeling of shock and horror.
Yesteday, I got a repressed memory. I never knew  you could repress memories so you had NO idea they were there. I thought you would have a vague idea, but I had none.
 I was telling my friend that I feel a heavy weight of sadness and immobility come over me when I am with women,with whom I am close . It does not happen in casual situations, such as a party.
 I told him that I feel like I can't move, often, that I am underwater, trying to walk and I feel a weight of pain.
  I feel like I have "neutral" emotions. Whatever I do, it does not matter b/c it is gray.
He said ,'Try to find the feelings IN the gray"
 I told him about the time I had my tonsils out and my M was standing over me ,in the bathroom. I tried to take a capsule, to avoid  a shot. I could not swallow it and was gagging  and telling my M that I could not take it. She said,"You made your bed, you lie in it". I thought,"I am hopeless, helpless with a monster, stuck with a monster"
My friend told me to try to find the feelings and go in to them.
I felt very safe and very loved with him. That was the key. Right before, I "saw' this memory, I noted how safe I felt. Then, I saw what happened to me when I was 4-5. I was experiencing the feelings that I was having, at the time.
I was telling my friend what I was experiencing. I was saying" No,No, why, why am I so bad that this has to happen to me.  I want to die."
 My M masturbated in front of me, about 8 feet away from me.I was in my house in Brrokline, before we moved to a suburb of Boston, where I started Kingergarten.
 I was in a room with really high ceilings and white walls ,as this house had.
 The WORST part of it was my M was trying to shock me ,as she did with all her other comments .
 
 
 
 
 

[Ami]

My life makes "sense" in a way that it never did ,before. I never knew why I had  phobias. They all had to do with replaying my M not taking care of me .
 My body feels like s/thing "bad" has left.
 I do feel like it is my fault. I feel like no one will want me and I want to run away. I hope, and think, that this will leave and at the end I will be whole.
 I see that my friend, who experienced horrible abuse, is whole in a way that "regular" people are not, deep in a way that other people are not. No one "wants" to be a diamond, but he is a diamond b/c pressure pushed on him and he did not dissolve, but endured.
 That is my hope, right now, that I will get a depth and beauty that only deep pain seems to give.       Ami

[Hopalong]

It's YOUR fault that your disturbed mother blasted boundaries and had no respect for your young psyche's need for protection? Even from her disordered sexuality?

Or do you mean she did this when you were, say, sharing a bedroom with two twin beds while you were visiting someone? Is it possible she thought you were asleep?

I'm sorry, Ami. This is good that you're cleaning out this sludge though. Yuggh.

Hops

[seasons]

My life makes "sense" in a way that it never did ,before. I never knew why I had  phobias. They all had to do with replaying my M not taking care of me .
 My body feels like s/thing "bad" has left

((Ami))

I see a woman who is brave, strong, strong enough to know the truth. To finally love yourself enough to let in all truths, as you did in the company of a loving safe friend. Triumph!!!

It is not for you to carry anymore, let the truth set you free from all pain, shame, sadness, sickness. It does not belong to you anymore, as you have set the old memory free.

Ami you are wonderful kind pure loving soul. You beam with light, you are wanted, appreciated and loved. Your friend! love seasons

[Gabben]

Dear Ami,

How it saddened me and angered me to hear of your abuse, yet I was full of hope for you as I read your story because I could sense real healing coming your way.

Keep telling the stories of the horrible way in which your mother violated you and mistreated you. Just talking about those memories stirs the pain in us which we have stuffed. The pain comes up and out we no longer have to keep unconsciously acting out the story in our adults lives as a way to unconsciously try to tell people the pain of our childhood.

In other words, if you relive speak the trauma stories, uncovering those memories, you no longer are bound to keep reliving it in the painful ways.

"When my M would say these  things(violations), my stomach would always feel the same way. It was a feeling of shock and horror.
Yesterday, I got a repressed memory. I never knew  you could repress memories so you had NO idea they were there. I thought you would have a vague idea, but I had none.
 I was telling my friend that I feel a heavy weight of sadness and immobility come over me when I am with women,with whom I am close . It does not happen in casual situations, such as a party.
 I told him that I feel like I can't move, often, that I am underwater, trying to walk and I feel a weight of pain."

For instance I hear you telling two stories here; the one when you were a child and the story of now. It sounds like the current pain of "sadness and immobility" is reminiscent of the exact way that you felt when you were a child and your mother violated you and abused you.

compassion to you.
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 I know you are not doing this on purpose. It IS gross and and you, and I and everyone else wants to minimize it. I just WISH it happened as you said it did.    Ami

[Ami]

Dear Leah
 Thank you for saying that. I just meant that when s/thing disgusting happens, we ,as humans, want to try to make it less so we don't have to face it .I don't condemn s/one for doing that,but I have to tell it like it was b/c I did not come this far to "lie", at this point.
        Love   Ami

[Ami]

Thank you (((((((Lise))))))))  and ((((((((Seasons)))))))))))      Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

Sorry, Ami, no minimizing intended.
I'm just shocked.
How dare she?

Reminds me of a show that was on last night about The Family, a sick cult that practiced "free love" including sex with CHILDREN.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. They were so damaged.
The son, a boy whose mother was a ringleader of this behavior, grew up to do murder-suicide.

I'm glad you've remembered and identified it, Ami.

love
Hops

[Ami]

Now, my life makes sense. Sexual abuse is about power, not about sex. Hurting a kid with "sex" is the ultimate power i.e wounding. It is the ultimate neutralizing  of the person, at the deepest level, which is WHAT the abuser wants.
 The abuser is 'powerful ', then, more powerful than a little kid.
 

[Ami]

Thanks Hops,
 I was sensitive b/c it was hard enough for ME to come out of denial, life long, and I really "would" have minimized it if there was ANY way I could have.
 Thanks for your GRRRR and UGGGGG. I agree.             Ami

[James]

Ami..........Congratulations! you are strong to face this nightmare. The "it's you fault thing" is just.... we can't believe as children the horrible reality of what is happening. Our survival depends then, on us believing we are loved in spite of what we know to be true. This is denial, and it often produces a "confusion" as we betray ourselves of what we know.  Sometimes this manifests itself in trying to forgive or understand the perpetrator and then we still remain confused and caught in circles of self hate and anger. Your mothers actions were nothing but pure evil. Now as long as you see her for what she is, you will start to think clearly and reunite with the true self that you "lost". You will in time become free to never betray your trueself/emotions ever again. No mother who does this is loving. She has simply used you for her own needs and tortured you with her hate. Do not excuse her and you will find yourself again. After all, her hate and lack of love destroyed a part of your life and even seeing this she really has had no empathy for you all this time. She has lied b/c of her own denial and pretended at best. Now, you can live with this reality of her lack of love and you will know for sure the difference between love and evil as you leave denial behind and live in truth. Then it will be much easier to protect yourself from other evil in the future. Your are brave and truthful and are being set free from the prison you were forced to live in........Love, James

[James]

Ami......as in my home, the greatest pain of all could be summed up in the reality of not being loved, and then being lied to, and believing it ourselves.......Love, James

[Ami]

Thank you, James, dear friend.  You are still the "you" of you and I, guess, I am still "me". I can feel that under the denial is anger and  strength. Many good things were repressed, along with the memory.
 Many good parts of me my M could not kill.
 I am seeing,slowly, that the shame is hers. I feel stronger and more able to fight, when I need to. Thanks, James, so much for your words of wisdom.     Love,      Ami

((((((James)))))))

[James]

Ami........the good thing that was suppressed was "YOU"........Love, James