My Mother

[Ami]

It hurts so badly, raw pain,just cutting through me. My  mother had such little regard for me.
 She never loved me or "saw" me. I was a blank slate that she could hurt and get away.I was in denial that I had a mother who loved me and a father who would protect me. It was all a lie and that was why I was so sick. I have come to some end of the road, with this one.
 The pain of this is so deep; it is like surgery.     Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I have had such a hard time putting my thoughts together to post to this thread.  What you are writing about Ami and what Leah and Seasons have posted here is so extremely powerful and significant.  I am really struggling with it all.  My reaction to it is very strong but anything that I might write seems trivial and trite in light of what you three have experienced and have come to understand in your lives. I have great compassion for you all and I pray that you find some peace.  I pray we all find peace.

Ami, I am so glad for you that you have found someone who can listen to you and help you put these feelings in place to dig into your healing.  I think about the many times across the years that i have sought out help from people who held themselves up as caring and yet who took my pain and trounced it and belittled it.  The pain of the and the way it forced me to retreat and confirm the devaluation of myself.   I am angry about my experience but I am also very happy about yours.  I am learning that what I tern my resentment about my losses and emptiness around to be thankful for someone else's gift and fullness that I am blessed as well. 

I am in such a strange place.  I have seen so much healing in my own life just this week.  It is interior healing but still not much movement in the exterior.  But the greatest evidence of healing is that I am not shamed by the lack of movement and while, today, I have been enmeshed in old "feeling" memories of being left out and rejected yet I have not slid down that tunnel into dispair.  I am holding even, knowing that the full healing is coming.

I am so thankful to come to a place where I can be with others who have struggled life long - often not even knowing or understanding what it was we were struggling against - and yet we can support each other and encourage each other and begin to see and experience so real changes. 

I just realized that so many of the things I have believed would make a difference in my life, in my healing, were exactly right.  For the first time in years I am willing to open up my chest of hopes again and dust them off and hang them out there.  The last major obstacle for me has to do with something more from my father but echoed by my mother.  And rather than continuing here i am going to go start another thread sometime later and work on it.

Back to you and the others who have had such horrendous experiences at your very own mothers' hands and to those are inspired by this thread to look back into our own lives to find that thorn that has caused such horrendous pain for so long.

Not here do we have to even hear "That is in the past, let it go."  More wretched words I have never heard.  We can not let "it" go until the thorn has been excised from our flesh.  Thanks for this thread and thanks for your work and thanks for sharing Ami, Seasons and Leah.  God bless you all.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 My dear friend. Thanks for being there and your beautiful post.
 Down deep, I feel better. There is a "me" under there who was blocked by  massive denial. I ,always wanted my M to be "regular" and then  I thought *I* could be.
 When I asked her if she wanted me to call  ,on my way back to college, and she said," I will hear if the plane crashes".I asked her b/c I wanted her to BE normal.
 I remember  kids  going home for Christmas break ,excited, I wanted to be "normal"and  excited ,too.  I got some Valium from a shrink, in order to fly,but it was really in order to convince myself that my M  was "normal" and I was  excited.
 I was always lying, lying.
 My M made sweaters.  When I would wear one and get compliments, I would say, "My M made it for me". That was my life, denial .
 The denial with my H was on top of that .
 My denial has to end and it is.
 I know God loves me. I know He has  special place,in His heart , for abused kids and abused kids who have grown up, but are still kids, inside.         Love   Ami


 

[Ami]

Dear Kim
 Even when I read YOUR post, I cannot believe it. Thanks for your kind words, Kim, so much.   Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Bean
 Your post  really helped. I feel  alone and your post was a comfort.
 Thanks so much for sharing that,Bean.
 It is such a taboo subject that we have been on the board all this time and I can't remember hearing about these things .I am sorry for your experience, Bean. It IS very life defeating. I am hanging on to the promise,"You shall know the truth and the truth will MAKE you free. I do feel better, already,down deep . No matter how "bad" the truth is, it will heal.
         Love   Ami

(((((Bean)))))))))

[Ami]

I am coming out of denial. Today, I feel a  sense that I am "me".  I need to face that *I* was s/one to abuse, in her mind..She told me,"Everyone abuses their kids."
 No matter HOW bad the truth it, it is the healer.Under  the  distortions,  is "me",as I was before I believed her ,clear thinking.
 I need to face that  the "dreams" of mother and all that that meant are dead, for me.    Ami
 
 

[Overcomer]

Me too Am.  Everyday when I experience her playing the role and knowing that for her it is just that-a fascade-I mourn the loss of having a mom who cares about me at all.  But the thing that irks me is that she denies.  Deny deny deny.  The lie.  The false person.  It is just one thing after another.  I just watch her in action and it makes me sick.  And yet there is NOTHING I can do about it and that is what makes me mad-I will never have control over that situation so better to remove myself.

[Leah]

She told me,"Everyone abuses their kids."

((( Ami )))

Never ceases to amaze me how they all seem to live with blatant "generalizations" to suit themselves -- their agenda and purpose -- it's ALL about them and what suits their "Ideal"

Love,

Leah

[Overcomer]

Have you confronted her about this Am?  Or have you decided that you are going to cut her out of your life or anything like that?

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 I am sitting here, thinking about what to do.Have you read any Alice Miller books? Alice tells you about how to come out of abuse ,whole. You cannot "worry" about them and their reality. You have to face what THEY did to you, and your reality,your feelings, your pain, your being "used" b/c your own parent COULD. They could use you b/c they were bigger and more powerful. That is why they did. You were vulnerable and they used that for them, not for you.
 Try the Alice Miller website, if it sounds good to you, Kelly          Ami

[Leah]

Dear Kelly
 I am sitting here, thinking about what to do.Have you read any Alice Miller books? Alice tells you about how to come out of abuse ,whole. You cannot "worry" about them and their reality. You have to face what THEY did to you, and your reality,your feelings, your pain, your being "used" b/c your own parent COULD. They could use you b/c they were bigger and more powerful. That is why they did. You were vulnerable and they used that for them, not for you.   Try the Alice Miller website, if it sounds good to you, Kelly          Ami

That is the truth ((((( Ami )))))

And importantly, it is in the present, a "drama" free zone -- as I feel that to confront your Mother at this stage would turn it round to be ALL about her, with her drama of reality.

Love,

Leah

[Ami]

I don't understand what you mean,Leah?Please explain b/c I value your perceptions.    Ami

[lostkitten]

I was trying to reply this morning and the website went down.

I agree with what Leah is saying if I understand it correctly.

You cannot "worry" about them and their reality.

If you confront your NM she will either try to make it all about her. You know the “Woe is me” kind of stuff. Then come up with reasons you should feel sorry for her.

OR – Act shocked that you should accuse her of such a thing. Tell you that you are delusional. Then tell other people what kind of horrible things you are saying about her etc.

Then the present will no longer be “drama free”. You will be living a new drama that she will create for you.

Right now you want to find peace within yourself, not add more drama (her drama) to the horrific pain that you are feeling. The idea of you confronting her right now makes me feel ill. This morning when I tried to post it really triggered something in me. (sweaty palms, etc) I feel very strongly about this.

Please tale care of your own healing first, before you think to far ahead.

May you be filled with love and peace.

[Ami]

Thank you, Lost Kitten
 I asked my F,"Are you going to be a coward or stand up?" He said he would stand beside me(after floundering).
 I have not talked to my M, yet. I have left messages.
The Alice Miller website is helping me get my sanity back.The WORST thing you can do is flip in to thinking mechanism of "I wonder what kind of life THEY had"
 That was a big reason we lost our sanity in the first place. We had to take care of them and their feelings. My M was smart enough not to abuse another little kid ,so she knew , enough.
 I am so tired of people trying to mitigate the truth of what happens to kids There are millions of "reasons" to let the abusers off the hook, but who pays? The kids pay, then and now.
 My M abused me b/c she could get away with it, pure and simple. I didn't have a voice. Now, I do. I told my Aunt and today I am going to call my Aunt and ask her to call my M . My Aunt is the only person my M is afraid of .  My Aunt gets in her face and tells her what she needs to hear.
 It is the fight of good versus evil, even though I know that that may seem black and white. My M is evil b/c she can hurt s/one and not care. She does not care ,now, about what she did to me, I am quite sure. She will make some excuse, I am quite sure.
 My Aunt can do s/thing, if she will.She can bring truth to the situation, for me, and that will help.       Ami

[Leah]

Thank you (((( Lostkitten ))))

The board went down and I did not get a chance to post my reply.   

Yes, you have superbly clarified what I was saying to Ami.

Love, Leah

((((( Ami )))))   you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.