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Author Topic: My Mother  (Read 25662 times)

James

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #90 on: May 27, 2008, 09:33:49 AM »
Ami.........yes, I have experienced this rage in my body along with other feelings....It's a very positive development eventhough the experience may seem unsettling and startling. You are in the process of healing......with each "release/awareness" you are walking the road to health IMO.........Love, James
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Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #91 on: May 27, 2008, 12:54:17 PM »
Thank you, James. You are ahead of me,on the road,but I am glad that you turn back to give me a "hand--up". It is much appreciated, dear friend.   Love   Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Iphi

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #92 on: May 27, 2008, 01:55:09 PM »
I am reassured and inspired by your posts today James and Ami.
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Character, which has nothing to do with intellect or skill, can evolve only by increasing our capacity to love, and to become lovable. - Joan Grant

Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #93 on: May 27, 2008, 05:42:11 PM »
Dear Iphi,
 This is the first time ,in my life,including my time on the board, when I had  real hope of healing. I have hope ,now. S/times , it is really scary,especially when you "feel" feelings you have pushed down.Sometimes, it is joyful,but I am  happy that it is more than just intellectual, more than just "words".
 My heart is healing. That is a hope,and I am very grateful .      Love   Ami
   
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #94 on: May 27, 2008, 06:41:34 PM »
Quote from: Ami on May 27, 2008, 08:21:21 AM
I felt a "bodily" sense of rage ,this morning, for a short time. It was a strange feeling. Then, it left. I think I was afraid of it b/c it was so different and "overwheling".
 Did you experience anything like this, James?                     Love you,   Ami

Ami -- When you get a chance read the Victim Anger thread, if not already. Your rage is OK and so important that it is surfacing. What your mom did was wrong - so painfully wrong.

Hugs,
Lise
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Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #95 on: May 27, 2008, 07:49:57 PM »
I read it ,Lise. Sometimes, when I want to give up,I think of you and that keeps me going b/c you go bravely on, trying to overcome .   Thanks for your posts, Lise.   Love   Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #96 on: May 27, 2008, 08:02:14 PM »
I am moved by your post here Ami.  I have not had the experience you describe because the anger/rage that I felt oozed out for so long and I attached it to incidents that were minor.  But I am experiencing the shame and worthlessness that was mine as a child.  It is so weird to reexperience that - it is completely wretched. 

How relieving it is to come here and read that what you are experiencing is healing and part of the healing process.  I immediately recognized what I am experiencing as that.  As I was driving along this afternoon I was thinking about Overcomer's thread about feeling stuck and how I was feeling sort of stuck as in repeating the same process yet again but suddenly here I see it as healing and that feels much better. 

Also as I was driving I had this peace that the absolute waste of a day was the direct result of the shame I experienced for so long and in a flash I knew that I was not shamed because I had not accomplished anything on my list today - but I had accomplished some part of healing - something that I am not fully understanding as of yet.
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Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #97 on: May 28, 2008, 06:59:53 AM »
Dear SS
  I know there is a "map" for healing,now. That gives me tremendous comfort. I am beside  you, on the path,SS.Whether you trip or go forward,on any given day, you are ALWAYS  a worthwhile and precious person,in my eyes. Our friends can see us more clearly that we can see ourselves,often.
 I look forward to hearing about  all your experiences .
 I am proud to have you for a friend.   Love   Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #98 on: May 28, 2008, 07:14:58 AM »
When James talked about  anger, the significance did not "hit" me until this morning.
I do NOT "feel" anger ,in a direct way. I have a huge 'block" and a "keep out" sign .
With my H, I can say I am angry,but I don't "feel "it, also with my M and F.
 I feel guilty that they provided for me, sent me to college,, etc, etc for me ,so I feel guilty for feeling "angry", like I am ungrateful ,when other people were not as "fortunate".I feel guilty that my H provided ,financially, all these years
  Anger feels like "Chinese" to me. It feels foreign. It feels like I do not have the right to go there. It feels dangerous.
I am afraid of it, very afraid. I don't know how to handle it, like you would not know how to handle a tiger . I have been pushed down by the people who were supposed to "love" me and I am afraid of what will happen when I am not pushed down any more.
 Will I lose the "love" I already have, ? What love did I have ,that I am so afraid to take a chance of losing it?
 All these questions want to be answered and must be, if I am to be a whole person.
 I know anger is waiting, with many answers ,which will become available  in it's expression. I am afraid, but I must walk through the door b/c it will open the illusions of my life.
  My F DID not stand by me . It was a relief b/c I knew,in my gut, that he would never stand up. He allowed a monster to rule the house and it is still the same, virtually.
 I have to face that, too.       Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #99 on: May 28, 2008, 08:04:14 AM »
This definitely comes from my stuff so it may not connect for you at all but if it does here goes.  You write that you feel guilty because your parents provided so much for you, college, etc.  Your husband has also provided a comfortable life for you.  Do you think they in some quiet way lorded financial resources over you?  IOW you had the privileges that money bought but was it always at their pleasure, in their control?

That is where so much rage exists for me.  That is what I am on the verge of plumbing next.
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Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #100 on: May 28, 2008, 08:12:22 AM »
Oh SS,
 I am hurting so badly,now. I just told my F not to call me again. He said"IF you "think" she was a monster, she was." I said,"Don't bother calling me again, if you have to "lie" about  reality". I want to know ,now, if I am being betrayed, as you always did. If I am, don't bother calling again," and I hung up.
  My heart really hurts, badly.
 I have to face my H, too. Coming out of denial is an #######.
 Finances were used as a tool to induce guilt, SS.I feel very guilty,too, about finances that were 'given" to me .
             Love   Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #101 on: May 28, 2008, 11:36:33 AM »
My heart aches for you Ami.  I am so sorry about your conversation with your father.  I know it is extremely painful.  I know you had hoped and had believed that he would stand by you.  I know you needed him to stand by you after all this time.  I am sorry that he failed you again, that his fear of your mother is more important to him than being there for you, than being there to help you through this healing. My heart aches to see this man, this father choose an abusive wife over a young, defenseless child, his child, his child who needed someone to protect her and shield her and provide for her.  How could a father do that to his little child! 

My heart aches with you.  You deserve so much more.  You deserve a father who would stand up to the monstrous behavior of your mother.  You deserve someone who loves you and who would sacrifice their very own life for you for his child.  You deserve a father who would never allow his wife to abuse his own child and get away with it.  You deserve a father who would, after all this time, finally do the right thing and sacrifice for you because you needed him to do that then and you need him to do it now.  And you deserve it.

My heart aches for that little girl and for the woman she grew into.  My heart aches for you and for the pain you are feeling today.  My heart is with you and holding your heart and your pain for you today while you begin to heal.  My heart aches for you and for all the lost children whose parents abused and stood by while someone else abused us.  You deserve better and you need more.
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Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #102 on: May 28, 2008, 02:53:21 PM »
Thank you SS.
I wish we all could have chosen our parents.
 My Aunt protected her children, My uncle, her H and she would have ripped my M to shreds if my M did anything to her kids. My F showed his true colors. He is a little slicker than my M, a little more refined ,but the same.
 Wow, SS, you have two doozies and I guess I do, too.
 I thought I had one good and one bad, but I have two "bads"---wow.               Love you, SS     Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #103 on: May 29, 2008, 09:48:26 AM »
Ami,
I remember your father coming to see you and being brave and accountable and giving you love and validation.

Do you think he might have been stopped by the word "monster"? Were you possibly insisting that he agree with that specific word?

I'm not trying to say he's been a good father or that he protected you. He failed. I can see that.

But I am hoping you can still feel your weak, imperfect, CoD father's love. I do think he loves you. He's just not able to fix the past.

And probably, to be forced to call his wife MONSTER, might have been too much for him. Maybe that's why he distanced himself from you in that moment, telling you "if you think she's a monster, she is..." instead of "I agree with you, daughter, my wife is a monster."

You did deserve a heroic, wise, courageous protective father who would identify the mental illness in his wife and see her abusiveness for what it was and stop it in its tracks. You didn't get that.

But you do have a man who was working his 12-step program and had the courage to come to you humbly and admit that he had failed you.

I don't want you to lose that, or toss him completely out with the bathwater...

Does that make sense? If not, please compost.

love,
Hops
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Ami

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Re: My Mother
« Reply #104 on: May 29, 2008, 09:25:11 PM »
Dear Hops,
 I talked to my F and he admitted she was a "monster". I need people to tell the truth, Hops. I just do,in order to have a life that makes sense. Thanks for your post, Hops.                 Hugs,  Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung
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