My Mother

[debkor]

Hey Ami,

I have been following your thread and I am sorry for all your pain.  I don't know what to say.  I know my friends children are living a life of hell with N mom and thier father who is not an (N) but has a whole set of his own problems does really love his children but to weak (emotionally) to step up to the plate for his children. She runs and threatens and victimizes him too.  I don't get it either Ami.  There are two adults Mother and Father and either can do anything to save thier children, although one really does love them (father) just very weak and beaten emotionally by the ex wife.  Maybe he's co-dependant, don't know, and they are divorced.  But she sabotages everything he does.   I don't know Ami.  I don't get it. 

Love
Deb

[Ami]

Dear Deb,
 Actually, discovering this about my M was a turning point in my life which has propelled me to heal, more deeply.
 It was a relief b/c nothing made  sense  and this framed my M, in a way that forced me out of denial.
Truth is so precious . It is the way back to our authentic selves and I want mine, very badly.
 I have been so fortunate to find a friend who listens  and lets me say anything I need to, no matter how "icky" . That is priceless.
 Love and acceptance are so powerful as medicine for  the soul(IME). With love, I think we can let the distortions go and walk in to health.
 Thank you for your words, Deb. I appreciate your caring , very much.    Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,
I didn't mean that your Dad shouldn't help by facing facts.
It's just that one person's "monster" is another's "very difficult spouse" and such.

I know, though, words can be used to evade the truth as well as confront it.
I'm glad he finally was able to support you iby supporting your choice of term.

Nism sure is monstrous to me.

I hope that eased some of the pain...I remember how much it comforted you when he did that the first time, coming to you and apologizing.

Are he and your mother still together?

love
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 What my M did is monsterous ,in anyone's book. My Dad admitted that and I am fortunate that I have s/one in my court, very fortunate. They are still together.
 I don't blame him for that.
 He needs to call the truth as it is ,to be in my life, and he is choosing to do this.
 Thanks for your concern , Hops.     Hugs,   Ami

[Hopalong]

He needs to call the truth as it is ,to be in my life, and he is choosing to do this.

Sounds like a BOUNDARY to me!

Well good for you, Ami.

I guess a parent in denial can be more painful than noone at all.
And you stood up for your bottom line.

Kudos,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 Anyone, in denial, is worse than no one. Ain't it the truth?                 Hugs,   Ami

[Ami]

As I see my M for who and what she is, I am starting to have empathy for myself. I always had empathy for her when she hurt me. I never had it for myself. The whole family had it for her b/c they were trained like that.
 When I discovered what she did to me, my F was worried about her. *I* was, too.
 James helped me see that *I* was the victim here. That is forgotten with N's.
 After they abuse you, you still have to feel sorry for THEM. Ain't it the truth?
 I am getting a new love for myself, slowly.
 I am getting more trust in God .
 I am a little way down the road, but a little is a lot, when you have lived with distortions , for a very long time.
 I can, finally, say that I think there IS hope for people with an NM. I really could never say this before,but I think there is hope to be emotionally healthy ,even if you had an NM.
          Love   Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

As I see my M for who and what she is, I am starting to have empathy for myself. I always had empathy for her when she hurt me. I never had it for myself. The whole family had it for her b/c they were trained like that.
 When I discovered what she did to me, my F was worried about her. *I* was, too.

There is so much contained in these three lines. 
so much of my life I have stood by in horror, disbelief and rage at the injustice you describe.  I no longer have a need to understand why as much as I have learned to take it as a fact.  But I have never seen the significant part - about having empathy for myself.  I had two marriages where there was NO empathy for me or my needs.  That was very, very destructive for me.  Now when I want to do something for myself I have a deeply enmeshed just barely conscious power that says, "No you don't deserve that.  We will humiliate you if you try.

[Ami]

Dear SS
  Alice Miller  puts forth a new paradigm.which is the emphasis on the childs feelings. Alice sees the childs life from his persepctive, while the "world" sees the child ,from the parents perspective. IOW, the world tells you to forgive and get over it. Alice tells you to honor yourself. As I have truly faced my life, I am shifting my "loyalty" from my M,and her needs  to myself.. She tried,and still tries, to make me feel sorry for her and minimize my feelings and needs. It was always like this and I agreed.
 As I shift my POV, I am healing.
Even a little healing is wonderful. "You"(I) are priceless. All struggles to find yourself, are worth it(IMO)
 I never knew how to heal,before. It is a gift to have a map and friends ,like you, to share the journey.   Love   Ami

((((SS)))))))))

[gratitude28]

Ami,
You said that you need people to be truthful... but I am guessing your father is like mine, and can't SEE the truth. He hides it under layers and avoids it at all costs. I think if my father faced the real truth, he would crumble. SO he does whatever he needs to do to protect his idea of self (a kind mand married 40 years to the same woman). My father is loyal to the point of stupidity - with work, family, spouse... He sacrifices himself to believe there is something to believe in. And in turn has lost all, because he is depressed and angry insidfe now, and doesn't know why.
That is how I see it... He can't destroy the only thing that has made sense to him his whole life. It would be like suicide.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

My dad was the same way, Beth...I think that's why I felt like "cushioning" Ami's dad.

Fortunately for him, my Nmother was nowhere near as monster-ous as Ami's, though she did her own special ladylike form of maddening sabotagish crazymaking damage--to me. No overt abuse though, just so much gaslighting she could've worked for an oil refinery.    She did support and champion my Dad.

I think my Dad was depressed at times, more likely deeply bewildered. I think he craved more affection, and had no idea why it wasn't forthcoming. But he was too sweet and self-effacing to demand anything. By the end of his life, though, he still loved her, and I hope he'd made his peace. They did have a very shared life -- shared travel and friends--and maybe those compensations were enough for him. I hope so.

He was deeply Christian with an unwavering luminous faith, and that probably helped him accept her as she was.

xo
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Beth and Hops,
 My F is facing the truth. I am fortunate about this, but the damage had been done,in me, so it is really not that helpful, as far as my rehabilitation from being a D of an N.
 I am happy for my F's support, but it pales next to the  damage that is  inside me, from being her D.
                                                                Love to you,  Ami

[Hopalong]

Can you allow your father's love to help you, Ami?

In my experience, knowing my father loved me helped me a lot.
Even though he was Casper Milquetoast and Walter Mitty put together.

Hope that might become true for you too one day, Ami.

Hops

[Ami]

I am trying to face myself. I am getting angry at people who don't matter . My M acted like a Boob. She acted outrageously and then blamed me. I would be mind my own business and she would provoke me, attack me, ravage me. At some point, I stopped fighting back and blamed myself.
 What gets me really angry ,in my current life, is when s/one is an outrageous person and then tries to  blame me for their actions.My M would not own her actions. She tried to make me  the  "bad "one, when It was she , all along.
 I get  enraged when s/one does it to me,but I cannot feel anger toward my M. I am displacing anger.
    Ami


PS  Why is it any of MY concern if s/one is a boob? It is not a reflection on me. I wanted my M to SEE how she hurt me. I wanted her to own it. I wanted justice to prevail and the victim ,me, to be seen as the innocent one and the boob to be seen as the predator.
 So, I get angry at that situation in my current life, instead of walking away and leaving the Boob there, with NO relationship or relevance to me. AMEN

[Ami]

I ,also, get angry at "Holier than thou" people.
 They  could be annoying, but would not have a "charge" for me, if I did not have my M' "holier than thou"  behavior, at the root.    Ami