GFM

[Lupita]

She wanted to become a member of my church, where I am the organist. I presented her to the pastor and she went to the class for new future members.
The membresy is going to be effective and in front of the congregation next Sunday.
Today, she called me and told me that hse is going to call my pastor to tell him that fi he is expecting to have her there every Sunday or she is expected to give constant help, that she does not want to be there.

I hate that woman, GFM nakes me crazy, she triggers me, I dislike her, I hate her. I told her that she does not have to become member of my church and that she should not call mhy pastor and that she does not have to come to mu church but she said that hse wants to go to my church, and call my pastor and tell him every thing she wants.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. That woman is just like my mother. I hate her.

I called my son and explained to him what hapened and told me that I have casued him many problems too, so I should not worry about. I gto mute and after a few moments of silence, he told me that he would chat with me later.

I hate GFM. God gave me exactly what I am getting away. I have to detach from that family and if my son wants to ruin his life with that family he will pay the consequences. I have to get away from that woman.

[Hopalong]

Lupita,

It must be so hard to be feeling your son pull away into his own adult life.
This girl and her mother really aren't who you would choose for him. Quite the opposite.
But you've tried, really tried, to make it work as best you can -- even including the mother at your church.

It would be so much happier if his adult relationships didn't change the space between you and him.

But even if they were the fantasy new family of your dreams, it would still change that space.
It's the chapter he's in, you're in...both of you having to adapt to a new degree of separateness.

You and he have been on your own together and so close, for so long, that this must be extra hard for you.
With little happiness and support at your job, and all the isolation of your recent life...

I understand how awful it would feel to have to cope with the mother's invasion into your church, which
is one place of refuge for you. And to have the daughter ignore you.

I don't have the answer, I just sympathize.
You are doing the best you can and the situation is completely out of your control.
It's got to be hard.

I am sorry you feel you have to maintain a friendship, but I understand you have tried for your son.

Don't try so hard, Lupita...you don't have to be perfect about this.

You can't change it, but you can take better care of your heart.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Oh Lupita,  I am so sorry.  She sounds so much like my mother.  I am so sorry that your son can't see the problem yet but don't give up on him at least GFM is not his MIL and God willing she will never be.

[Lupita]

Just detaching recently from my students and the way they treat me, and he way they treat me at the school, m coworkers, thinking positive about finding a new job, and suddenly this bitch comes to my church and decide she wants to be a member and promises to give money, she has money, she wants to be able to influence the places where I go.

When we have eaten together she asks me what I order and she orders the same.

When we are together, I ask a question the GF and GFM answers it. In the seven months my son an her have together, I have never been able to cross onw word with this GF. Never ever. Her mother prevents me from making friends with her. This girl is going to ruin my son's life. My life too.

I think my son is punishing me for being such a posseissive mother.

SS, thank you for writing me. I am not as good as you thought. I am full of shit too.

[Juno]

I am not as good as you thought. I am full of shit too.

Ah, Lupita.  I feel this way about myself almost constantly.  It is so easy for someone or something to trigger those kinds of feelings in myself.  So, I'm kind of smiling and shaking my head this morning even though it is nothing to smile about.  I still believe that the losers of the world have dozens of ways to dump their crap on us and we take it in as if we deserve it.  But we don't. 

It is true that your son will have to discover GF's flaws all on his own.  So sad that you have to wait for him to figure this out and your feelings are truly getting hurt in this process.  The very hardest thing of all about being a mother.  I don't think you will lose him.  You are such a good mother and good person.  But it's going to be a tough time.

Keep in mind, it will work out better in the end if he is the one to discover the flaws.  As hard as that is going to be for you to sit tight.  He has to do this himself.  Let's all hope he figures it out sooner rather than later.

[Lupita]

Juno, you are right. He has to re invent the wheel on his own. My wheel wont work for him the same way that my mother's wheel never worked ofr me and I had to rediscover the world on my own. Good idea.

The problem is to control my self.

[lighter]

Lupita... glad for the update.... sorry it's so hard right now.

As I read your posts about speaking with GFM and your son....

I thought about Hops posting, to me I think, to just sit with the difficult feelings....

do nothing.

You you're triggered.

You know you're reacting to her.

Try not to reach out and transfer those feelings to your son, if you can.

Detachment.

Easier said than done, I know.

((Lupita)) 

Concentrate on what you can change, help, alter, make better and influence.

Your job, outlook on young love, your peceptions of the world..... just suggestions.

Hope you feel better soon.

Lighter

[Lupita]

I agree with you Lighter. Hops post is very insightful.

It is just that I have to control my slef. It is very difficult.

I need to detach.[/size][/size][/color]

[Lupita]

I want to feel good.
I will stop saying anything negative about GF[/glow]

I will step back



I will let him do his own choices on his own. I will not say anything!!!!!!

[Gaining Strength]

I am not as good as you thought. I am full of shit too.

Lupita, I didn't ask you for your help because I thought you had it all together or that I thought you were perfect but because I see your humanity and your work on yourself.  I know that you won't give up and you won't let this "stuff" keep you down.  You are making progress with boundaries with GFM and that will lead to progress with your son.  You are moving along and not giving up.  That is what i love about you Lupita.

[Juno]

I was thinking today about GF.  I understand the many things about her that bother you.  But.... her mother is a possible N.  Perhaps GF is Voiceless.  She could even have some depression.  But Voiceless no doubt with the mother she has.  Her journey hasn't even begun yet, though.  And yours is so much further along.  It may be inevitable that she effects you this way. 

I think your resolution to detach is excellent.  It will give you peace and it will give your son the space he needs to decide how this thing will go.

[lighter]

The thing about advice, Lupita.....

is people don't listen, unless they asked you for advice.

And sometimes.... they don't listen, even when they asked.

When your son asks for your opinion..... think about what you want him to hear.... and say it.

There will be times that he asks.

Lighter

[debkor]

Well Lup, I never met my D's b/fs mother or father and they been together 2 years.  We know each other through both of them talking about us but met, not yet. 

They are serious but not that serious like getting married or anything, yet.  They are young and really don't think about us meeting (parents) They just do thier own thing with both families.  Easter her b/f was with us at our family and My D did Palm with them. 

The Sister  my D gets some bad vibes from and I told her to keep it to herself it is her b/f's sister.  Don't talk about his sister to him.  Don't put him in the middle to handle it herself she is capable.  She gets this and has done it.  All is at peace without a family feud. She has straightened Sister Dear out all by herself. 

Have Faith in your son Lup.  Believe in him even if this turns out to be a  mistake.  It's his mistake and I'm sure you taught him well.  Let him experience on his own now. 

Sometimes it's hard when they don't need Mama anymore.  I know it was/is hard for me to cut the apron strings.  I only want the best for them but the are the only ones who can choose that.  If they choose to make a mistake all you have to be is unconditonal when they need you.  That is it.  No strings attached. I love you because I love you.  Period.  Now  Fly!

Love
Deb

[Lupita]

Yesterday, Saturday, I picked up my son from a guigue he played. I took him to his house. He told me "I have plans with my GF" I thought he had plans with her. He thought he had plans with her. He did not relized that GFM did not have plans for GF to see my son. When he called her she said that she did not know if she was going to see her. Minutes later GFM called him. I told him, why is that women calling you and making arragements for your date with your GF. He said stay out of my business. When I left GFM said that if he wanted for GF to visit my son that she had to come with GF and my son said, yes you can both visit me. Then she said that she did not know what she was going to do.
I left, my son's phone charger was at my house and I di dnot want to come and pick it up and go back there, his son was dead. I have no way to call him. I left and he satyed there not knowing if he was going to see his girlfriend.
He asked me to go to target for some shopping but I had a date for the first time in a long time and I told him I had to go. I was so tired when I got to my date that I had to drink two red bulls. I felt guilty all night. I feel that I ruined my son's day.
He has no idea what he is getting into. Those two women are the devil. They are going to ruin his career. GFM is so egotistical.

Yes Juno, she is an N. Very much and N and that is why I fear her so much and I dislike her so much. Because she remember me of my mother all the time andin everything she does and she says.

I feel horrible.

Bad from work, bad from son, bad from last night date.

I felt so bad last night in my date that I was extremelu boring to him. I had no motivstion to talk, I was judgemental, all what I hate from others I was last night. He wil probably will ask me out again but, I know he is not for me.

Feel horrible!!!!!

Still have to go to church, play the organ, play the piano, smile and answer to everybody "I am doind great, how bout you?" and smile from ear to ear.

I understand now what means to hate one self. I do.

[Lupita]

I did not know before what were they talking about when they said, you ahte your self. I now know. I do hate my self. I dislike the way I look, the way I talk, the way I behave. I am a horrible mother.

I am doing an effort for my son and when he gets in the car, the first thing he does is calling the F*ck*** GF. I am driving one hour and a half extra driving just to help him. He has not said hi to me, he has not given me a hug, the first thing he does is get my phone and call her. He is desperate to call her. His phone has been dead since yesterday because he left his phone charger at my house. I did not want to come back home to get it. Too much driving. He told me that I would drive him home and she would visit him at his house. He did not know that GFM had different plans. I told him, GFM is going to dictate everything you do if you marry this empty barinless woman.

I should feel more empathy for her. She is voiceless. She is a victim. But I hate the way she worships her mother. I hate it. She is just like my sister.

My son is punishing me with her. My son hates me.

When my mother has come to visit from our country, she is getting from the plane and she has not hugged me and the first thing she wants to do is to call my sister. I say I do not have international service, then she says let us get some phone cars, then instead of giving me hugs and let me enjoy her presence ofr a few moments after a year of not seeing each other I have to drive around town looking for phone cards that have service to our country. Then she found one that was too expensive and she said that it was my fault.

This year, I asked her to come for my son's graduation recital. Sge said no. Ok. She will not be welcome again. I will not encourage her to come. I will tel her that we can skip this year. And I will comply. I do not want to see her. I can not have my mother and GFM together. I will die.

Nobody loves me. My son hates me.

I have to go play the organ and the piano when I want to sleep forever.