GFM

[lighter]

I'm so sorry you feel that way , Lup.

I know what it's like to feel powerless....

to want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep....

never wake up.

The thought of your beloved son marrying into a nightmare.....

is there any escape from those thoughts?

I don't know and I can't possibly understand bc my children are still so small.

All I can say is..... I hope the depression passes....

At least lifts a little and doesn't stay so so dark.

You're seeing a warped view of yourself and that's just not Lupita, dedicated loving mother.

How can you gain some feelings of control in your life?

How can you step back and find some detachment?

It's so hard to say nothing....

and gain your voice.

I understand that.

(((Lupita)))

Your son will make his own decisions and.....

he'll never see GFM and GF for what they are if he's busily defending them against you, KWIM?

[Lupita]

OK, GF just called me. Last night, GFM went and picked him up at his house nad he spend the night at thier house. I asked him if he is going to eat with me like we do every sunday, he told me, I do not know, call GFM and she will tell you what we are going to do. I do not know what she wants to do.
I told him, why do I have to call GFM when you are my son and you have to know if you want to eat with me or not. He said. OK.
That was it.
I am tired. I do not want to be with them.

[Lupita]

I lost. I lost my son. I lost the war. OK, I should not feel it is a war. That gets me in trouble. I am powerless. There is nothing I can do. Nothing. He will ruin his life. And I will be there to lift him up after all the damage is done. I know that. I wasted six years of his precious life with his father when I should have  left him way before. I have tio pay for that. I overprotected my son. I made him a CC and I have to pay for that. I told me you made me a CC and it is your fault.
He is very unfair to me. Anyway, I am a bitch. I hate my self and I do not want to be with the, today.

[Juno]

(((((((((Lupita))))))))))) I am so sorry for how hard this is.  Sometimes I wonder--what is all our new knowlege for if it still hurts this much?  It hurts more actually because now we know enough to SEE but not enough knowlege to FIX IT!!!!

This is the terrible puzzle of Narcissism.  We cannot safely enter their world.  Your son has been harvested by them and he simply cannot see his way clear.  Izzy's daughter got lost to an N too.  It has been all these years later and so much hurt and loss.  This is the tragedy of N.

Lupita, you see how it keeps getting turned on you no matter what you do.  It is so very, very hard.  This is where faith comes in.  Faith that you will not lose him forever.  You are absolutely right about what you are seeing.  But he is a man now.  What you can give him is your love, your wisdom, your faith, your wholeness.  It is not your fault about the phone charger.  It was probably inevitable that you would feel lackluster on your date.  Please be kind to yourself.

I have been praying for myself to God to heal from the self-hatred.  I am using that prayer as an affirmation or positive message many times a day.  Like you have been doing with Wayne Dyer I think you said.  I don't do much with the books.  Lack of patience or something.  But what I learned lately about self-hatred and things people had said here, helped me come up with my own prayer about healing from self-hatred.  I feel that it is starting to take hold now, the healing from self-hatred.  I cannot let the slowness of this kind of healing deter me.  I have always thought things would not happen for me when really it was just going slow.

When you get home from church I hope you will come here and read my post and feel less alone and hopeless.

Love, Juno

[Lupita]

Hi Juno, thanks.

What is the prayer. Do you have special words? Just:

Help me god to heal from self prayer. Just that? What else do you say?

Yes, he has been harvest by these two Ns. Both of them are Ns.

Today we finaly went to eat. GF did not eat. She did not like the restuarante I picked. So, she did not eat anything. She said something and My son wanted to add something while she was talking, and she hit him in the stomach with her elbow in signal of shut up. He immediately shut up. I looked at him. I am so sad. I have to follow lsighter advise. I have to let him go. He will see the truth when I stop fighting. He has to discover the truth on his own.

I need to be independent and find my own life or I am going to die. Today I felt at lunch with these people that I was dieing in my heart, my soul was being destructed. I think I have to avoid being with them. GF is openly rude to me and my son is uncapable of doing anything. So, I have to keep my distance. I will sepnd time with my son when he wants.

GFM decided to attedn my church, now she is sucking up to my pastor and to the scretary. She has been catholic all her life, since when did she decided to become a protestant? Since when? Shes just wanted to stick her nose in my environment.

That sick she is the deam bitch.

I need to keep my distance and stop hating her. I need to stop hating her.

Wain Dyer says that if you change the way you think about things, things will change.

I need to change my attitude around these bitches. OK i will stop calling them bitches. But I need to put a distance. I dont want to be with them.

I am going to dye.

My mother in low committed suicide according to me. My father in low made her feel bad. He is a successful doctor and she dedicated her life to the home. twenty years ago she discover a breast lump. The biopsy diagnosed cancer. She decided not to do anything and said that it was a gift from God because she did not find any purpose in her life.

My husband made me feel the same way. But I left him and now my son makes me feel the same way. My lie does not have purpose. Who I most love in my life, I am losing him. I am losing him to a life that I am trying to get away so hard. And he is going to fall in what I worked to hard to get him off from.

There is no purpose of my work. I wanted for my son to have a better life and he is falling in a trap that I fell by destiny but he is falling by choice.

So, I am powerless. I have to accept what I can change and what I cannot.

There is nothing I can do.

[Lupita]

I friend sent me this and I am sure she would not mind if I share it with you guys. This is me right now. I do not want to do anything now. I will strat tomorrow intensive therapy. On my own.

Control-----> I have zero
Ownership--------> I owe it. I ti smy fault for overprotecting my son and make an obedient man of him nad polite and respectful, and I am afraid in the porcess I killed his self esteem.
R---------> I know I am catastrophyzing. How to avoid it? I feel like shit right now.
E--------> I want to dye.


Adversity Quotient: Turning Obstacles Into Opportunities (Wiley,
1997) Author: Paul Stoltz, uses the acronym CORE to preserve
psychological health in negative situations. He explains:

"C" is for Control—recognize your own power in a situation.

"O" is for Ownership—what part of the problem do you take
responsibility for solving?

"R" is for Reach—don't catastrophize, and don't let the problem leak
into other parts of your life.

"E" is for Endurance—don' t let adversity get you down for long.

Stoltz believes that, on our own, we can get to the "core" of our
potential for happiness.

[Lupita]

OK dear friends, even if you want to slap my hand, or scold me, you can, I allow you, I need you!!!!

I feel so lonely today. I need it now!!!!!!1 I need somebody to talk to me now!!!!!!!!!!

Why this sudden loneliness killer??????????

Why this compulsive need to have somebody right now who can give me some love, aproval and validation!!!!!

I am so needy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ami, where are you. This is where we connect. When I feel so bad. As you mention in so many threads.

Self hate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Juno]

Well, I am typing at the same time as you.  I bet Ami will be on soon.  Until then.....

My prayer is something simple I made up for myself.  It is based on my realizing that when I say I hate someone or something, perhaps I am really saying I hate myself.  Normally, I pray for "the right words at the right time".  That prayer makes me mindful and slows me down and helps me to understand that things tend to work out for the best if I don't get all nuts about things.  In hindsight, I can see the big picture and the big picture is what I am aiming for.

So, for a couple of weeks now, I have prayed several times per day, Dear God, please help me to stop hating myself, please help me to forgive myself, please help me to love myself, please help me to heal from my hatred of myself.  Then I go on to pray for my sons, my husband, family and friends.  My sons are in special transition times right now looking for good jobs so I have added that this week, too. 

It is amazing how hard it was at first to feel worthy of this simple prayer.  I guess that shows the depth of my self-hatred.  It does go pretty deep.  It is long term, probably  lifelong, that I have hated myself inside.  I was a good sponge for my parents, hmmm?

It had to be awfully hard to sit through that restaurant meal.  GF is not even at the beginning of her journey out of voicelessness.  She doesn't even know that is what she is.  Your son is at the beginning of a very hard journey.  I hope that he will see it before he is legally tied to her.  But he must be the one to see it, you already know.  It is heartbreaking to watch.  Perhaps your prayers and affirmations will have to include requests for strength to get through this.  Wisdom and strength.  Whatever it is you think you need to get through this time.

So, that's it for now.  We are going outside to burn our brush pile.  It is close to the little garden I want to plant tomorrow, so burn now, plant later.

Good night, Lupita.

[Lupita]

Thank you Juno. I will use your prayer as a base and will create one and wirte it up here to see if you can use something or for you to add something that you think might help to me or others.

I will pray for my son to see the truth before he does something irreparable.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
 I have not been responding on your threads b/c I thought you told me, a long time ago, that my POV was not helpful to you.
 I did not want to intrude if my way of seeing things was  not helpful to you, Lupita. Maybe, I misunderstood.         Ami

[Lupita]

I am going to the swiming pool to see if this panic attack can come down.

Feel so bad!!!!!!!!

It is OK Ami. Thank you.

God bless you. I do not have time to discuss right now. I need to do something about my problem.

God bless you. I still pray for you and your son Gregory. Love to you.

[Lupita]

I have worked so hard for my son, that I have to let go so I do not kill my self of a heart attack. My blood pressure is at its maximum and my heart is pounding at its maximum. I am afraid. I lost the battle.

I have to accept, I have to detach, I have to validate my slef, not asking for others validation. I have to depend on my own, and opun God only.

I am going to the pool to see if I can come down.

Thank you for listening.

[Lupita]

I guess this is the time to get my anxiety medication. I try not to take it frequently, only when I am feeling very very bad. I will today.

Last time I took it was like two weeks ago due to sixth period. So I think I am doing good in opreventing addictions.

[Lupita]

OK< Lighter, where are you
Juno thanks, keep writing
Shame S where are you
Hops where are you
Lea hwere are you
Seasons where are you

all my sweet kind friends that always write to me, where are you?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


 

[lighter]

I'm here, Lupita.

I think that swimming and changing your environment is a good idea to break an anxiety attack.

Did it help?

I have a little excercise I'll begin working on myself.

I'll share it with you and we'll see how it works.

::getting coffee brb::