The emotional buzzsaw is back: my foo

[Iphi]

Dear Amber - I am catching up.  Your description of your mom's call is so crazy making just to read.  I am intrigued by everyone's point of view on how their parents cannot manage their own health.  I don't want to get off track on this post, but it is exactly the same in my experience and sooooo maddening.  Also, something I recently realized from reading a post here - I think it might have been Leah who posted the list of boundary problems.  One of the problems was --- have a crisis to elicit caring from others.  Ding ding ding!  Ever since I read that item - I have been thinking - that is what my parents do. Whether it is conscious or unconscious or both - they create crises and hype things as crises.  They put themselves in peril.  It drives me nuts.  Anyway.  Another post for another time.  For now - the drama - the vortex swirling.  I can completely relate.

I think it is huge that you stayed in the present.  I also think it isn't fair to yourself to say that you are still doing the same dance.  She is still doing the same dance.  You are not.  You really are not.  You have awareness, yes your got a bit blindsided and churned up, but you stepped away internally afterward and made different choices.  I will say that in similar circumstances, 15 years ago - I would have been Little Ms. White Knight, taking time off work to go rescue them from their problems and try to intervene with the kids and getting right into the middle of it all.  But I am NO match for their craziness and once I get into the middle of it, that's when all hell really breaks loose and it's all my fault and etc.  So I don't know what your response might have been in the past, probably not as misguided as mine as you moved far away, but point is that I can see that you are making very different choices - to stay the heck out of it.  And so that is not the same dance at all.

You are doing great!

[sKePTiKal]

WOW... there is so much good stuff in everyone's responses!

I will say that in similar circumstances, 15 years ago - I would have been Little Ms. White Knight, taking time off work to go rescue them from their problems and try to intervene with the kids and getting right into the middle of it all.  But I am NO match for their craziness and once I get into the middle of it, that's when all hell really breaks loose and it's all my fault and etc. 

Yes, Iphi - I would drive 5-6 hours to go manage these self-made crises. Now they're 14 hours away; I'm 10-20 years older and don't like driving that much anymore... here's my favorite story; happened before therapy, before regaining my memories about what happened, before starting to reclaim my whole self...

I was married to Ex-NH #2 for 10 years; together for about 14. The program that I taught at a local school - and worked so hard to build & get certified as a degree was killed by the school admins 6 months after gaining the approval for the degree. Kids all grown; living elsewhere - and hubby was isolating me - had determined that I was "living dead" in that relationship... and was going to leave him. (Hubby #3 in the wings - got lucky with this one.) So, I'm moving out... loading the very last items... when the phone rings; it's my brother saying my mom's had a heart attack and is in the hospital - and will I be there tonight???!

It was so typical. I explained what I was in the middle of... and that I needed a few days to get my apartment settled. Hubby #3 had a hard time understanding this... but I finally got him to understand that I needed to take care of ME for a few days before traipsing off cross-country and dealing with my mother's insanity... (all this BEFORE I had a clue about "what was wrong with me"...) so somehow I instinctively (rbrain?) knew I had to protect myself from her, my brother's dependency, etc.

Lollie: yes, I did the artist's way in conjunction with my first phase of therapy...  there is no question about who is who "safe" and who I need to protect myself from anymore... the hard part is learning how to BE safe with other people!    Not always protecting... but I'm learning.

Lighter - this experience is another gift from the universe, in that it's helping to push me along... unpleasant at first, yes; but I'm pulling some very valuable things for taking a few more steps along the healing path from it. I'm better than OK, I feel pretty good today... but how are YOU?