Dear OC
I lived with 2 alcoholics (not at the same time) and that was very stressful for me. One was an A and the other was an P/N+A.
Can you honestly say that you love your husband and can endure his disease and behaviour for the rest of your married life?
I have a friend, since 1967, Joan and we are so attuned to one another. I am so far away but we are still in touch. When I rented a house '67, I had the downstairs I could rent out and she and her husband moved in with their 3 girls. Joan and I had been workmates. Lou is an alcoholic. They are in love. They shared the death of their only son 'Butch', leukemia, when Joan would drive to Toronto almost every night to see him and Lou never went. He stayed home with the girls and drank. I did all the work around the house. When their girls messed up the playroom in the basement, I cleaned it up. I kept all the common areas clean, as well as my own place. I put the storm windows on in the Fall and took them off in the spring, while Lou drank. I painted and laid carpet while Joan let her housework go and the 3 girls wet the bed and Lou drank. One evening she was out and I had to diaper the girls before bed as Lou was on the sofa drunk.
Now this was different for me than having my own S,O. drunk. He worked and then after over a year of living below me, they left for another city because of his transfer. I was sad. They left on May 31, 1969, a Saturday and Lou was still drinking while Joan was pregnant with another child, One week later I was in the car crash. I so missed my friends, Joan and Lou. and called them from the 'dying room'. Joan came, still pregnant then had another girl and one day Lou was having a beer and said to himself, "I don't need this' and he poured the rest on the ground and hasn't had a drink since . 35 + years sober.
That is the only happy ending I know, about a longtime alcoholic and the loved they shared, They have gone through all that plus her mastectomy, and his many injuries at work, his heart attack, yet they drove 2000 miles to see me in 2004. and they were both gray and older looking and I looked the same as in 1969. (Joan swore to that, bit it's is not really true.) They were still in love and that's 41 years that I have known them.
That is a lot to type, but I cannot see that either of my As would have done that. Would yours? Does this cause you unending stress? Truth Now!
I know there are other things that overwhelm you. That anger at your mom must go! (When I lost all my feelings of resentment and anger, my blood pressure went right down.)
Definitely ! Stress can cause any number of bodily aches, pains and whatevers. With the N, my neck pained so much I went to a chiropracter--I knew it was the N but this was time away from him---) That helped a bit, but when I left him, many aches and pains disappeared.
So now you, the pickle, are seeing that you will come to this board with some contentment and peace!! Good for you! And now the way you will do it?
The choice is yours and yours alone. No one else can make it for you. Everyone here could send happy ending stories, but you and your husband are not Joan and Lou.
I don't know what to say about your weight. The picture I saw of you...last year....? you looked great to me. You are not the 2000# woman who cannot get out of bed.
I suggest that sometimes you take a rest from all the people/books telling you what to do and figure out what feels best for yourself. See if it works!
You have always been good to me and this is the longest I've written to one particular person.
All that raises the question, "When will you leave your mother and husband?"
If that is not right, "When will you go to Al-Anon and perhaps find a way?"
If that is not right, "When and how can you tell him that you love him but he hurts you every day and it's destroying you?!!!!!"
If nothing is right then just kindly tell me I just don't understand!
Good Luck. You can Overcome!
Izzy
