don't know how to start

[towrite]

I know I am going to spew here, but I need to and have no one else to talk to. I am so filled with fear and - yes, Lup, self hatred - and have no strength to call on to explore the origins of this. I know from long past it comes from my NM, but right now that is not on the frontline. Self exploration is for times when other survival issues are not front and center.

I apparently did not get the job I had been praying for. I cannot even count how many rejections this makes. The man in charge of the job did not call as he promised he would last week or the week before. Now he is "on leave" - military term - until June 3 and I know he would not go away for 2 weeks leaving the position unfilled. So, once again I have been betrayed - it feels like a betrayal - he said he would call me "one way or the other", no matter what his decision was and he did not.

Why me? Why has God allowed me to sink so low and be in danger of losing my life without any hope? My part-time job has not needed me for 2 weeks and soon I will run out of money to even buy dog food, let alone my meds.

I am angry and bitter. I know I have been feeling this way for several years, but it is so much worse now. I have this idea that my bitterness and anger show and they have kept me from being able to reclaim my life, but more keeps happening to increase the bitterness and anger. My anger is a cover for fear and I try as best I can to push the anger aside and let the fear come thru cleanly. But even my RM is now saying I've been here long enough and she wants her house back. I have no other option but to pack a few things and live in my car. I cannot pay my cell phone bill so there will be no way for any potential employers to reach me.

And my f*****g nm smiles at me like a viper .....

What do I do? I have no where to turn, no options. I've said before that God hates me. I find this as proof.

[towrite]

If my anger and bitterness are keeping me from getting a job, how do I manage when a new disappointment shows up almost every day?????

[Hopalong]

Ahh, Kate, I am so sorry.

Have you placed ads requesting a room to live in and a cooperative housemate who will help with housecleaning and yard maintenance for modest rent-- in every church bulletin you can find? On the community bulletin board at every health food store?

Have you made up a flyer for Housesitter/Pet Lover? I know many people who have found long-term housesitting jobs, especially this time of year when people are planning their vacations.

Likewise, you can post these everywhere, and put an ad on CraigsList for free.

Use that anger as pure energy. Here's how it goes:
DAMMIT I AM USING THIS ENERGY TO SAVE KATE!
TO SAVE KATE, I AM _____________________ (making this flyer, sending this email, posting this ad, etc.)
I AM SAVING KATE!
ROARRRRRR!

much love,
Hops

[darren]

I logged on today to express that I was terrified of my feelings and recognizing I had a lot of self hatred and I'm surprised to see so many other people talking about it.    You aren't alone in how you feel.  I'm sorry you are going through it... emotions seem pretty tough sometimes. 

[towrite]

Thanks Darren and Hops. My anger is so out of control that I want to rage at everyone I see. I just want to know why God hates me so much.

[darren]

Thanks Darren and Hops. My anger is so out of control that I want to rage at everyone I see. I just want to know why God hates me so much.

I'm not very religious so I don't think I can help in that respect.  I imagine people who were would tell you that he doesn't.  Something I've found true for myself is that my insecurities about how others felt about me always seemed to have more to do with how I felt about myself.  The more I loved and respected myself the more it didn't matter about how other people felt about me.  The biggest problem I had is that I felt I deserved the feelings associated with thinking people hated me.  I don't know that it works for everybody, but the more I build up my self esteem and self respect the better I feel.  Knowing I'm worth something and valuable and find people to support, and validate those feelings really helped.  I still struggle at it myself because it just all seems overwhelming at times.  One of the reasons I find others opinions often painful is because I simply hate myself and it makes me face it a reinforces it.  I find myself having to find some worth to myself in the bad times.

But like you said, exploration isn't always the issue.  Getting through the bad and hard times isn't something I'm great at.  I just know that eventually I make it through them, but its never easy.  Hopelessness is a tough one, but you'll always have value regardless.  {{{hug}}}  Just know that people care about what you're feeling.

[towrite]

Thanks, Darren. You always seem so clear-headed. I was referring to luck or fate when I said God hated me. The outcome of all my attempts and tries just seemed to dissolve into dust. If I don't believe in God either, then who can I blame? Myself, I guess. I just don't know what I did wrong.

[darren]

Thanks, Darren. You always seem so clear-headed. I was referring to luck or fate when I said God hated me. The outcome of all my attempts and tries just seemed to dissolve into dust. If I don't believe in God either, then who can I blame? Myself, I guess. I just don't know what I did wrong.

Heh, if I seem clear headed then I'm doing a good job of hiding it.  More often than not I'm the one in need of support.  I just pass along and share the stuff people offered to me in similar situations.  I'm always feeling that life hasn't been so fair, so I identify.

[Hopalong]

Kate,
I'd like to offer something to you and to anyone else on VESMB who could use some extra income and has love for animals. (As to references, you can ask the store where you get your pet food, your vet, friends, whoever.) Please take it and have cards made and post them everywhere...

Love and courage to you Kate...this would be a good place to put some of that energy you've got steaming now, eh?

Hugs and woofs, [EDIT: Forgot to attach it...here it is!]

Hops

[Leah]

God is so good to us, he is with us our trials and tests, he is for us, dear ((((((((( Kate )))))))))

God really does love YOU ......... always.


NOW .... YOU got it!

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=7861.0


Love, Leah

[LilyCat]

towrite,

I just wanted to say that I know you're having such a rough time, and I am so sorry for all you are going through. I wish I could find the right words or do the right thing to help you along, I really do.

In terms of the guy not getting back to you about the job -- sadly, this is the norm. People who get back to you are the ones who are exceptional in their job, no matter what they do. I've done so much job searching and know this to be true. Many, many other people have told me this as well, so I know it's not just me.

It's not just you, either. People are just flakey a lot of the times.

I know this won't sound so great when you're facing the prospect of living in your car and not even being able to buy dog food, but I can honestly tell you that there's always a reason a job doesn't work out. 100% of the time I have found out that it would have been awful. Generally, that I would have been laid off.

I feel so frustrated. I really, really wish I could do something to ease your mind and help your situation. I've been nearly in the same situation; I know how frightening it is.

I will continue to pray for you. That's all I know to do. God loves you, have faith in that.

xoxoxoxxo

LC

[Overcomer]

To-I know how you feel.  I had one job string me along for four months!  Then in the end I called HIM to ask if I got the job-he apologised and informed me they gave it to someone else.  The last time the guy called and let me down-when I saw his number on caller id I was excited only to be disappointed.  I am reading YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE and she says what you think is what happens so I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror and say I AM AWESOME AND I AM GOING TO GET THE BEST JOB!

[Hopalong]

The little card I attached to my post above?

My daughter made some absolutely amazing money doing this in North Carolina.
One job led to references for another, and so forth.

She would charge something like $25/day for one pet, $35 for two, $50 to spend the night.
EVEN WITH THAT, she'd often get $50 tips, or even $100, a few times. And some weekends she'd be taking care of three households' pets. You can do the math.

I think it's a great sideline. Might consider it myself!

love
Hops

[lighter]

I have 3 friends who pay up to 50.00 a day for petsitting or dog walkers who come to the house and feed... pet, play with their animals.

When I was starting a company.... I worked it in the morning and picked up 3 kids from school in the afternoons, shopped, cooked, cleaned and cared for the children (doctor's appointments etc.)

I made ends meet until my company got on it's feet.

I also picked up painting jobs and faux painting along the way.

Whatever it is you can do..... stretch yourself and know things will be OK. 

They will.

Lighter