Un ****ingbelievable

[gratitude28]

Just wanted to share my latest story with you all... and I really need some insight on all aspects of it.

As you know, I have little contact with NM now. She calls once every two to three weeks or even longer and discusses her cats or some such thing (or tries to goad me by bringing up something she knows I don't want to talk about - my health - and she likes to 'scare' me- or a story that is annoying she has told a hundred times... you know what I mean).

My birthday was last week and she sent me a card and a gift. Of corse it was late, and she decided on gift cards, which was nice. I called to thank her and my father and found out Friday night my dad was in the hospital ER with pneumonia. I said, 'You didn't even think to call me?' She stumbled and stammered and made up a million reasons why she didn't. She apologized (under the guise of the fact that I was too far away, too busy, had had a cold myself). I called my sister, and of course they had told her that night. I told my sister that from now on I would like for her to tell me if there is anything going on. She agreed that she would. Her husband said he thought it was awful they hadn't called. He also said that my mother seems to call my sister (Dr) o for medical advice... I know she must do that because it is a way to show off her knowledge as a nurse and to feel close to the Golden Child.

My sister tried to defend her, but finally conceded...

What the hell? My dad joked on the phone that 'he wasn't planning to die yet.' That is cute, but I still don't get it... Just one more way to distance me????????

If this keeps up, I would be so inclined to write them and just ask them not to bother with the small talk and the pretenses.

Can you all give me some insight?????

Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

What a kind and thoughtful answer, lollie. Wow, I can't believe your dad did that to you. And, yes, this has been ongoing with me as well. My sister does talk to me frequently, but she is forever in denial about my mother - and contnually defending her. I really think she may have an epiphany once she has her baby and her own family. That is what happened for me.

I didn't expect my father to die, but, as usual, I was not given any information about them. I am only privvy to their shopping habits, it seems. My dad talks to me little as well. He has always been that way - it is one part being male, and one part having never dealt normally in social situations due to an NM and now and N wife. But overall I feel he could make an effort if he wanted to.

Thank you again for responding.
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Beth-we have similar parents.  My dad had some health emergency and she did not tell me.  I called her god told her that it was official-we only had a relationship based on work-nothing else!  That will change soon!  Maybe when your mom starts droning on and on about nothing you should abruptly change the subject.  Throw in a curve ball and see what she does.

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 When I read it, my first thought was how great YOU are and how dumb they are not to appreciate you. I really don't
get it. You have accomplished so much and are a great person, on TOP of that.
 They are purely stupid not to see it. That is the conclusion I come to.
 Was your M this way with your sister all through your childhood?
        Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

This withholding of important info is a slap in the face which I've felt, too. I'm so sorry you're being treated with such ongoing devaluation and disrespect by your parents. Hope your dad is better now!

Beth, I don't know whether this will apply to you, but for me...  well, there are a couple things I sense.

First, no doubt I'd feel resentment about them placing undue preference on my sibling who's viewed as the competent, potent one. In my case, my brother is the one with both the bluster and the money to make a big show in response to something like this (not that he actually would respond, since he's so wrapped up in himself all the time). Anyhow, I'd probably find out long after the fact, and then only by some very vague and circuitous references which would be primarily focused on how very difficult this all was on my mother. (This has actually occurred, years ago.)  So... seems to me you'd feel so much better in general if you choose to stop comparing yourself with how they treat your sister. That says SO much more about them than about you, Beth. You are no less valuable, important, special, skilled, powerful, necessary, etc, etc, etc than anyone else.

And then, there's the guilt. Again, I don't know about you, but I feel guilty when I'm the last to know, because I've had so many negative thoughts about these people and made it my own practice to NOT allow them within my safety zone. When something like this happens, there's an instant, reflexive reaction of feeling like it's my fault they are this way to me. If only I'd cozied up to them more, etc, etc.              But that's a lie and you know it, eh?  There's nothing you can do to make them into whole human beings who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.  Best we can do with such folks is to teach them how to stop mistreating us by refusing to accept such treatment.

What if they hadn't notified your sister, either?
It'd be a whole different situation then, wouldn't it?
Also, seems like they only include folks in the loop whom they consider useful.
That doesn't make your sister more highly valued, just makes her a tool in their eyes.
Do you really want to be a tool to them?
With some folks, that's all anyone is, no matter who you are or what you can do.
((((((((((Beth))))))))))
Take good care of yourself.

With love,
Carolyn

[gratitude28]

Carolyn,
Thank you so much - you are so right. I am going over and over the inequality - I need to just let it go. Thanks for pointing it out and letting me really see it. It's kind of like self-pity... So it is time to let it go and just accept it.
I think the guilt I am handling a lot better. I don't feel guilty for feeling unkindly toward them. I think my fault is more one of trying to get the world to see the unjustness of the situation. And that is not my place. I am not the one in charge.
I was trying to think - if they had called on Friday - what would I have done? Well, I would have been concerned. The kids and I would have made Get Well cards. I would have called this weekend to make sure Dad was feeling better. So does she do it so that she can say, 'She didn't even bother to know?' Like I am supposed to have ESP????? I guess she just gets the feeling of being powerful from having the inforamtion and keeping from me????? I just can't figure out what she gets out of it.
Ami,
Thank you for writing. I don't feel any less than my sister. My NM was like this for sure during childhood, but I (fortunately) wore rose-colored glasses and did not see most of it at the time.
Kelly,
I have been using silence a lot with her... she doesn't know what to do and starts babbling. BTW, she had enough time to let me know she had bought herself a Wii and a $600 camera last week, but not to let me know about dad. Also, I think she bought the Wii simply because she knows we wanted to get the kids one for Christmas, but could not get one. What the heck is a 65-year old woman going to do with a Wii????
Thanks everyone.
Love, Beth

[debkor]

Grats,

You seem to be close to your sister.  What if you asked her to call you and by pass mom since you can't count on her.

My H's family has some very strange ways of handling things.  His mom does not have his sis call him if she winds up in the hospital.  The M calls herself either while there or when she's out.  Only time the S called is when she had a heart attack and could not call.

So if he tries to call her and she's not home for a day or two he has to assume that she went away or will call and let him know she's in the hospital.  If something worse then his sis will call. 

I guess they respect her wishes as WEIRD as they are.  Whatever!!

Another thing that is weird is that she treats my H like (he can't handle it) BABY and he's 52 years old.  She also favored my S from my previous marriage over my D and her full blown GS from my H (her son.)

Love
Deb

[gratitude28]

Hey Deb,
Great minds think alike, because my girlfriend here said to also ask my sister to call me if anything comes up. I did and she promised she will give me a call if there is anything. We actually talk at least 3 - 4 times a week, so I am pretty current on stuff, but she had gone out of town this weekend.
How strange about your husband's family. I am learning what normal/nice families are like from my in-laws. They talk about everything - good and bad. And they keep up with one another through everything.
Thanks (((Deb))))))))))
Love, Beth

[lighter]

Awww... don't waste energy trying to figure out if you have reason to be upset. 

You do.

It doesn't seem likely NM'lll change, at this point so.....

maybe changing your expectations.... would help?

A slap in the face probably doesn't get less shocking, on the other hand, no matter how many are received


I hope your sister keeps you in the loop, as promised.

Lighter

[Certain Hope]

Beth,

I don't understand what in the world they get out of it, really.

For my mother, it's all about control.
When they've visited here, I can't get a straight answer re: the dates of their arrival/departure (because she doesn't want any interference?).
When she plans one of their overseas trips, even my Dad, who accompanies her, is on a need-to-know basis re: specifics. In other words, he doesn't need to know. (This way, he has zero input re: the plans?)

Oh, wait. I just flashed on something here. Maybe she's feeling guilty? Your mother... she doesn't let you know about Dad's health crisis because she's afraid you'll ask some direct questions and her own lack of care/concern will be brought to light? I've sensed this often within my own family.

And the shopping fetish... yeah, a Wii?!!? She's envious of your youth and so she is trying to prove that she's not over the hill? She wants you to be jealous of her?
Is the Wii for when your kids visit?   I dunno... that is weird. For whatever reason, she's decided that this stuff she buys is the way to impress you. Interesting that she imagines it's necessary to do that!

Glad to know you can have peace of mind knowing that your sister will keep you informed.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Hi Beth,

Wii has recently marketed worldwide to the baby boomer market with its new exercise module.  Apparently, all one need do is stand on the machine (which appears to be twice the size of a set of bathroom scales) and watch the tv screen and copy the exercise routines.

Maybe she has taken up exercising?   

That said, both my parents have been buying gadgets galore for the sake of spending their money on something.  My father said last year, "I have a lot more things to spend my money on before I go." 

Bizarre to say the least, yet, everything was only ever about them, money, and material attainments.  My father had to be the first in his family to have the latest "whatever" gizmo or gadget.

Love to you,

Leah

 

[SilverLining]

Hi Beth.   Maybe when it's something of real importance involving someone other than herself, she doesn't want to report it because it would deflect your attention from her.   It's better to keep the topic on trivial things she knows don't interest you, so she can just talk.   Bringing up your fathers condition would trigger an actual dialogue about someone else, and an N isn't going to have much taste for such a discussion. 

Now when it comes to trivial conditions or their daily personal aches and pains they will talk away, because they know they can get away with it.  They really don't want dialogue or reply, just someone to listen to their monologue. 

I think there is some of this going on with my FOO.  I didn't hear until a couple of days after the fact that my sister had emergency surgery.  But I have to hear about every little trivial health thing going on with my parents.     

[Certain Hope]

Hi Beth.   Maybe when it's something of real importance involving someone other than herself, she doesn't want to report it because it would deflect your attention from her.   It's better to keep the topic on trivial things she knows don't interest you, so she can just talk.   Bringing up your fathers condition would trigger an actual dialogue about someone else, and an N isn't going to have much taste for such a discussion. 

Now when it comes to trivial conditions or their daily personal aches and pains they will talk away, because they know they can get away with it.  They really don't want dialogue or reply, just someone to listen to their monologue. 

I think there is some of this going on with my FOO.  I didn't hear until a couple of days after the fact that my sister had emergency surgery.  But I have to hear about every little trivial health thing going on with my parents.     

Yes!  I do believe that Silver Lining has nailed it here. This fits exactly with the way my own family behaves. Also, I've often felt that N goes to her "special place"  when someone else is in crisis... like there's a mini shutdown and she just simply disconnects. 
This fits right in with the old "out of sight, out of mind" rule with N's....
you know, much like tiny children... when they can't see you, you cease to exist in their heads.
They just don't even think of us at such times.

[gratitude28]

You know, Silver, I hadn't thought of that, but it makes so much sense. After I asked dad if he was OK, and what medecines he was on, etc., she refused to let him get a word in. She said, 'Oh, your dad is fine, aren't you (no pause to let him answer) and I would have called if it was more serious. But he is so much better now. And blah blah blah.' She controlled even that conversation. I think you are so right that that is a huge part of keeping bac the information. And, yes, I hear about every ache and pain my mother has - every conversation. My dad never complains. He has to have an arm dangling out of its socket before he will see a doctor.
Leah, yes, she plans to do the Wii fit. But she also has a treadmill, a Nordic Track, skiis, snowshoes, a bike and other things she has used once and then thrown into the basement. She is looking for some miracle way to get fit. There is no such word in her vocabulary as perseverence. My parents LOVE th saying 'The one who dies with the most toys wins.' Yuck. It is so not me.
Carolyn, Very interesting about the guilt. I often wonder if my mother wouldn't just love for dad to pass away so she could shop and play all the time. I really do believe that's what is in her heart of hearts. The Wii is 1) a new gadget and 2) something I don't have. Yes, she does try to make me jealous... but things are things to me, so it has never worked. My kids are the same way. They would like to have a Wii, and know we will get one after we move and they are available. We are looking forward to it as a family.
Yeah, Lighter, I definitely got blindsided by this one. Mostly my expectations of her are that she will lie and be self-centered. I would prefer, though, not to waste any time thinking about her at all. Thanks for the validation, though, and the kind words.
Thanks as always guys!!
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

We cross-wrote CH!!!! I was also posting that Silver's thought was brillz. I think you are right about pretending too!
Love, Beth