Are You a Perfectionist?

[Certain Hope]

Not sure whether or not I posted this before on the board, but... since I'm recovering from perfectionistic tendancies - I'm not going to search the depths to find out 

This is an important topic to me personally, and I'm looking forward to examining it more closely in the days to come.

Are You a Perfectionist?
By Dr. Bill Gaultiere




Take the following short survey to help you see to what extent you may have perfectionistic tendencies. 
For each question below answer “yes” if it’s generally true of you and “no” if it’s generally not true of you. 
Five or more yes answers suggest a significant problem with perfectionism. 
(This is a screening test.  For an accurate diagnoses of depression or another mental disorder you need to an in person consultation with a health professional.)

I often think that I should've done better than I did.
I tend to put things off if I don’t have the time to do them perfectly.
I’m afraid to fail when working on an important project.
I strive to impress others with my best qualities or accomplishments.
I think less of myself if I repeat a mistake.
I strive to maintain control of my emotions at all times.
I get upset when things don’t go as planned.
I am often disappointed in the quality of other people’s work.
I feel that my standards couldn't be too high.
I’m afraid that people will think less of me if I fail.
I’m constantly trying to improve myself.
I’m unhappy if anything I do is considered average.
My home and office need to be clean and orderly always.
I feel inferior to others who are more intelligent, attractive, or successful than I.
I must look my very best whenever I’m out in public.

[lighter]

I could check off all but the final four questions.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, only that I become terribly annoying when my shadow pops out under stress.

I'm very picky at times.... I can see childish bahavior I KNOW I shouldn't be coming up with.  Usually I do this around my mother and sister..... my first husband on one occassion I can remember.

I think of this as my shadow side.... Meyers Briggs stuff.

A friend told me she sees her father's perfectionism in me.

I laughed.... as the last 4 questions on your list don't have a thing to do with me and I typically think of those things when I think of perfectionists.


She said that her father starts projects then can't finish them....

he makes a mess and can't put a bowe on things, because they aren't perfect.

He can't finish bc things aren't perfect.... and that is me. 

I didn't get upset at her.... I learned something about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.

Is your desk and personal space always neat, Carolyn?

Mine is not.

Lighter

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Lighter,


About the only one with which I haven't struggled is the very last question, about always needing to look your best out in public.

Personal physical/exterior stuff - clothing, accessories, etc - has never been my thing.
Cleanliness, neatness, yes... but not the "can't have a hair out of place" outlook.
(I have an aversion to hair spray.. lol)


Yeah, my desk and personal space do still bug me if they're not always neat... but I'm a whole lot more relaxed about it than I used to be.
At one time, I was absolutely a compulsive straightener/tidier/cleaner.
Mostly, I think that I just wore myself out with trying to maintain such a high level of orderliness.
Also, I have felt driven to gather every detail where information was concerned... to cover every contingency and to explain each iota in such detail that the underlying premise/big picture was often lost... at least to me.
Calling a halt to all of that detailing and explaining has freed me up alot!

But nit picking is still an almost irresistable urge, at times.... when tired or under stress.
I guess that's just an instinctive method of trying to regain control when everything feels topsy turvy?
Oh, I'm more inclined to procrastinate rather than start-and-not-finish... but both are examples of a fear of failure, I think.
For a perfectionist, anything less than ideal IS a failure. Very painful.

It's interesting to me that two of my daughters have many of these same characteristics... and yet one of them is a total slob re: her personal space.
I don't say much about it, other than the occasional expression of terror/ remark re: having to run the gauntlet when entering her room.
I just figure that's her way of balancing out some of her own internal struggles and I know that she places enough pressure on herself about other stuff without me insisting that she become a neat-freak.
My other daughter and my son appear to be free of all such compulsions and... I have no clue why.
Intrigues me, though.

Carolyn

P.S.
My own eye-opening,classic example of this obsessive compulsion is watching my mother use white-out on her own grocery list...  (just one of many such examples).
Although I do notice now that she is apparently able to write to me without white-out. Guess she figures I'm used to mistakes and won't care... lol.

[Certain Hope]

Consider the following questions for yourself, toward an accurate diagnosis of whether or not you struggle with this trait.

Do I ever get angry at myself -- and take more than a day to feel good about myself again?

Do I feel embarrassed when it turns out I am wrong about something?

Do I try to cover up my blunders with lies or by redirecting the focus off of myself?

Do I get defensive when someone indicates I'm not a perfectly good person?

Do I blame others even when I am responsible?

Do I believe that if people get to know me well enough, they won't like me any more?

Do I examine my conscience only rarely?

When I realize I have sinned, do I doubt that God forgives me?

When a person gets angry at me, do I feel like dirt?

Do I have only a few friends, and is it because I'm protecting myself from getting hurt?

Do I deal with pain by drinking or using some other form of getting high?

Is this quiz making me feel uncomfortable?


Excerpted from:   http://mymiscellanies.blogspot.com/2006/01/and-deliver-us-from-perfectionism-how.html

Clearly the obvious motivation is simply pride - a desire to exalt myself and my ideals and my standards as equal to God's, or perhaps even above God's. Perfectionism is ultimately all about me - order in my world, organization of my stuff, control of my environment.

It took time, and the change was gradual. But it was not natural. I had to identify that tendency and work to kill it, replacing it with patience, love, tenderness, forgiveness, and the spiritual gifting of flexibility - rolling with the providential punches. Over time, folded laundry that sat for more than a day didn't bother me so much; dirty clothes that lay in a corner for more than a day didn't eat away at me so much; the toilet paper being installed to hang under rather than over was not an issue (though it is still difficult to find in the dark).

Wow, I can really identify with this Rob Wilkerson.
Excited to read some more of his blog!

[Ami]

For me, shame makes me cover myself, every square inch, so no criticism will get in. I can't control it, but I am trying and THAT is the problem.
 I try to armor myself by being "good" . I want to keep away other's anger  b/c then I feel so very badly about myself. I am frantically trying to control the outside. I am tired and sick b/c of it.
 I have to let myself "be" and SEE what happens IF I don't try to control, if I am just "quiet" inside.
 I will try that,today, and see what happens, if I am still here(fear of anniliahtion----lol).       Ami

[Certain Hope]

You can do it, Ami!

I am excited for you and praying for your strengthening with courage.

There've been times when I could feel my ears turning into beets and the heat spreading down my neck... like if I had to speak in public... but just the act of following through and then realizing that I'd survived  ... changed me.

It's still not easy, but with practice, I know that you can become less self-conscious.

Carolyn

[Gabben]

Dear Carolyn,

LOL...I was reading this thread thinking to myself I love Carolyn and I am happy to see her posting threads, especially because you have been quiet lately, but also because you raise good topics, therefore, I really want to take my time on your posts and read and respond. However, my head is pounding this am. I have been withdrawing from nicotine, my body feels strange, yet I still want to be a perfectionist and respond well, but I have decided that if I respond, and do not make sense, then well that is the best I can do and I know you will accept me even if I am a little out of it.

For the past year I have been quitting on and off again smoking...this time I really can feel the release of the obsession, I can feel the grace in my thinking. I have been working so hard to get here...

Perhaps I will start a thread on it....I know that Amber will understand.

Anyway here is a psalm that fits this thread:

Psalm 44: 15-16
My dishonor is continually before me, And the shame of my face has covered me, Because of the voice of him who reproaches and reviles, Because of the enemy and the avenger.

[Gabben]

nope

perfectionists need closure on things, and for Truth to be a single truth, and I don't need that.

Actually, all humans (part of our nature) need closure, and God IS a single truth...

[teartracks]

Hi Carolyn,

No.  Don't think I'm a perfectionist.  What I am is a systems builder.  It may be a cousin to perfectionism, but I can't explain it at this late hour.

tt

[Certain Hope]

Thank you all for your replies!

Lise, if and when you're ready to do a thread re: your non-smoking challenges, I am interested in participating.
Since I'm still using those nic lozenges, I'm still hooked in that way - - and could surely use some help, too!

Bean,  I know many folks who are not perfectionists and yet they believe in one truth... "THE" Truth (The Way, and The Life) - Jesus Christ.
They believe not because they need it to be so, but because it simply IS so.
And no, that is not my opinion... it's fact.

Tt, I'd like to hear more about what it means to be systems builder... and how that differs from perfectionism.
I'm thinking it has to do with order and a building-blocks sort of process, following a sequential order of assembly...
but I dunno.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

How wonderful to come on board and see the name of my beloved, such a blessing to a somewhat tired and weary heart, today.


It was Jesus himself who spoke and said "I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life"             (John 14:6)


and you know, this was written as foretold thousands of years previously in Genesis 18:19 ...  "For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

and also in Ezekiel 18:5 "Suppose there is a righteous man who does what is just and right."


...... and His name is Jesus Christ.


Love to ((((((( everyone ))))))) Leah

[Certain Hope]

Here is some more on the topic of perfectionism, from Dr. Bill Gautiere ~

Step Out of the Performance Trap

Perfectionists need to learn is to step out of the performance trap. Ironically, many perfectionists try so hard to earn love and acceptance from others by being outstanding and yet end up feeling rejected and inadequate. For instance, consider Kristen's story. She's the mother of three children and wife of a successful CEO. She's in her mid 40's, but looking at her you'd think she were 29 and spent most of her time at the health club and the beach. She's attractive, thin, sports a tan, and wears a bright smile. She and her kids seem to always look like they stepped out of a catalogue. And usually when you see them they're on their way to an activity. Kristen took a leadership role in all their activities: Room Mom in all three kids classes, teaching Sunday school, Scout Master for the local Boy Scout and Girl Scout troops, and assistant soccer coach. And she loves to gather her friends and her kid's friends in her immaculate home. Other Moms get tired just hearing about all she's doing, but Kristen just keeps going.

No one would argue that Kristen is impressive and successful. Yet, inside she feels empty. Sitting on the couch in my office she cried, "It isn't enough. Nobody really loves me." I replied, "I think your family and friends would love you if they knew you. It's time that you shared your true self with them. Don't try to impress them so much. Just be yourself, and share some of your struggles and your inner feelings."

What Kristen learned was that she wouldn't feel loved and accepted by her family and close friends until they knew how she felt inside. She wasn't the seemingly perfect person people saw on the outside. Indeed, she was a high performer and a good person, but she also was an imperfect Christian woman, a wife with emotional needs, and a mother who struggled with her kids at times like any other mother. In addition to being more honest, she had to start putting limits on her activities and not worry so much about her accomplishments and her appearance. Instead she started paying more attention to her inner self and put more priority on developing her relationships.

[Certain Hope]

I'm not taking it personally, Bean.

I used to feel the same way... about God and about the people who claim to represent Him.

Then I met some who are the real deal and realized that God doesn't exclude anyone...
it's people who choose to exclude Him.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

My beliefs are my beliefs.  I often see perfectionism tied closely with a Christian God.

bean

Hi Bean,

I just want to share that I do know what you mean, say, because I was so spiritually abused I could not think straight, and yes I admit that I was in despair for a short while, as I was so upset.  After I finally managed to dare divorce my husband, being so hurt etc., I declared that I would never set foot inside a church again.

But, that was then, and this is now, thank goodness!

My ex husband was, sadly, very much black and white, and especially with his personal faith and walk with Christianity, and yes, very much a perfectionist.

However, truly, I was not a perfectionist (and so I was very much an irritant to my exh), and I do know of countless others who are not perfectionist in their walk with Christianity, but then, I also know others who are.

I tend to think that it is getting the right balance within oneself, which is possible, if one is not subjected to an overbearing environment, as I have discovered for myself.

So I really do resonate with what you have shared.

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

Perfectionism is NOT in my makeup.  The reason for that is I was required to be the perfect little Chrisitan growing up and it was unobtainable so I guess I just quit trying.  In fact, I went just the opposite in many ways.  Even to this day at age 48 the pendulum swings in complete opposite of what my parents want.  I am letting my 17 year old get a tatoo....my parents are mortified.  I don't care if someone drinks - they do.  My mom tried to dress me for so many years...............a little clone of her.  Now I make sure I look nothing like her.  She hates denim - I wear it all the time.

I consider perfectionism as HER thing so I don't do it...