Good job OnlyMe.
You may be only taking baby steps, but it a great beginning. Soon you will be taking strides. Try to keep your face impassive when Nmom tries to push your buttons, and redirect the conversation. If she refuses, then tell her you forgot something, or have to make a phone call, then walk out of the room until you regain some strength.
I know my Nmom would say something hurtful and eye me intently gauging my reaction. These Nparents seem to do that. We react, and they receive their perverse pleasure. Try to remember, your mom is a little old lady, albeit an evil Nar. Old and frail, she has lost her real power to hurt you, like she did when you were a child. Back then you could not walk away from her, you could not speak back. At least, not without extreme consequences. Now you have a voice.
Next time you go see your Nmom, remember that you now have the power. By that time, I want you to believe it. You have the power to just walk away, or at least make her believe that, if she can't treat you with more respect.
My Nmom used to belittle me about my weight. Yeah, I was a whole 20 lbs overweight at that time. But, she loved making little snide comments. I dunno what got into me one day, but I had just had enough. I had stopped by to pick up my daughter on the way home from work. I was in uniform, (nars don't like authority) when I made full eye contact. I firmly told her if she mentioned my weight again, I would never come back to her house again. She didn't like that one bit, but she never brought up my weight again. She still got at me in a round about way, losing weight until she was a skeleton, and bragging how thin she was. But, that was better than her "innocently" asking if my pants were getting too tight.
When an Nmom gets old and frail, and especially when she has no spouse, the power shifts to the now adult child. She needs you now, though she would never admit it. Do you need her? No, in fact you would be worlds better if you could stay completely away form her negative influences. Deep down I think our Nmoms know they have lost their power, but of course, none will admit to it. So they try to exert themselves verbally, keeping us in reign.
You might want to start cutting your visits to Nmom shorter. Three days in hell is way too long. Let her bitch if she doesn't like it. It is not like she can do anything about it. You now have the power. If she says something very hurtful, tell her to stop or you won't coming back. Try to back that up if you can. It might take a couple of little separations to make her see you are serious. Remember, she is a willful little child now.
Be wise to Nmom's manipulations, and don't reward her antics. Do not feel guilty if you don't want to talk to her on the phone. Do not feel guilty if you don't visit as often, or for as long. These Nmom's want you to feel guilty, that is how they control you. I think everyone on this board knows that. Don't buy into those guilt trips anymore.
You did good OnlyMe, and next time you will do even better. Knowlege is power. You know what your Nmom is now, and what her agenda is. You are stronger for it. Believe that, and be well.
Moonflower
