Narcissistic Parent Thoughts

[OnlyMe]

This message board is my first group experience, and so I am treading lightly (as you can imagine, Trust is an issue!).  However, as I read the messages, and leap in once in a while, I find that this message board is very healing, because, most of all, we know we are not alone in our experiences.

Often, when being raised in a home with a nparent, the child is never believed, and must spend his or her life keep up appearances, for when the parent is happy, the child is safe.  Because I am an only child, I have been led to believe that I was the crazy one - and so, each day, I tried to earn my parent's love, and sometimes I did succeed by mirroring exactly what was needed, and sometimes I didn't succeed, because bits of 'me' would surface and that was not acceptable.  Every morning, I had to start all over again to 'earn love'.   It has only been recently that I have learned about the NPD, and finally know that I am not the crazy one.  But, also, now I also have to learn what real love means.  It is not Conditional, after all!

I liked that sentence that someone wrote :
The opposite of Love is not, Hate, but Indifference.
Wow.
 
Thank you to all of you, because it is wonderful to know that I am not alone in my experience.  
We can heal and grow strong together.

[seeker]

Hello OnlyMe,

Thank you for very eloquently stating why we have the board.  It isn't always to whine or vent but simply to say "we believe you."  "We know you are here and we know what it's like."  That's the power of being in a group.  

I always felt I had to solve my problems by myself.  Self-reliance was a big value in my family because no one else could be bothered!  But it's rather challenging to validate oneself, alone...

Glad to have you here.  And I'm glad we have this healing place  

Hugs, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Hi OnlyMe,   Welcome!

I have been led to believe that I was the crazy one - and so, each day, I tried to earn my parent's love, and sometimes I did succeed by mirroring exactly what was needed, and sometimes I didn't succeed, because bits of 'me' would surface and that was not acceptable.  Every morning, I had to start all over again to 'earn love'.  

Well said!  Boy do I relate to your words above.

[flower]

------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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[OnlyMe]

Hello, Flower and Seeker, and all!

Well, I have just been on the phone with nmom and am exhausted.
It is so draining to have to keep pretending to care about her long descriptions of her day and how wonderful she is, and how lovely she looks, etc.  I seldom am able to squeeze in a complete sentence - it is all about her, for about an hour non-stop.  I understand her need for mirroring, and I try to tell her how wonderful she is, how nice she looks, and how helpful she is to the people in her day (all the while knowing that she would never do one thing for anyone without a manipulative motive).  I continue to stroke her with flattery only because it keeps her off my back.  But, I am almost a puddle by the time we hang up the phone.  She is living on her own, is in her eighties, and so I need to keep in touch to make sure she is okay, but gee whiz, it's exhausting!  At least it is only on the phone, not face to face - that is a nightmare!  If I take my eyes off her for one moment while she drones on and on about herself, she is immediately offended because I am not giving her my undivided attention!   All the while, the reality of her abusive mothering keeps floating around in my mind and I want to scream!
 
I have come a long way, but still have a way to go!

[Nic]

Hi onlyme!
a hearty welcome to the board.  
I hear what you say and feel about your nmother...and you have some healing to do as we all do.  It's been a tough go for myself and indeed everyone here..but it is doable and you can do it.
Guilt and shame..I bet you had a lot of that in your upbringing.
I have a suggestion for you.  If you go back on the board and pull out any if not all of one of our members' posts, you might find and identify with alot of grief this lady had/has to put up with.  Like you she was an only child, and similarly her Nmother is in her eighties as well.
The name you are looking for is Rosencrantz.
Again, welcome and I look forward to sharing with you.
Kind regards,
Nic

[OnlyMe]

Thank you for the welcome, Nic -

Guilt, Shame, Guilt, Guilt, Shame ... oh yes!  And a bit of Hope that this time things will be different!  Intellectually I know that is not possible, but yet, the child in me still Hopes for a "Mom".  I just need to have my mind completely over-ride my heart, and soon!  

I have found Rosencrantz's messages, and have started to read them, as you suggested, and yes, it appears I can learn from her experiences!  Thank you.   I intend to read them all.

I am somewhat overwhelmed at the kind and supportive words from the members of this group.  I had no idea that I did not have to be alone, while I worked through this.   I have a wonderful H, but am trying to spare him the emotions of my rollercoaster ride as much as possible, right now.  

OnlyMe

[les]

Hi Only Me

Phew - it is incredible to read about your mother and your relationship to her.
Your situation is so intense.  I am trying to think of how you can give yourself a little more wriggle room and I know from lifelong experience how difficult that is. My relationship with my mother is so similar. She is 91 and I am just reclaiming some space for myself. People here having given me such good advice which you might find in some of the earlier posts.

 My mother too always gets me in the eye- lock - even when other people are around it's only me she wants to hear and affirm everything she says.  One small thing I do is take off my glasses! Then at least she is out of focus! I've started to look away.  Our mothers have such a distorted view of how human interaction should be.  Let your mother be hurt.  Until recently I have protected my mother too but I just can't anymore and it actually is good for her. We just can't keep up the fantasy for them -it's so debilitating.  I can see that my mother, even at 91 is changing as I change. As I slowly reclaim myself she is adjusting and I think in many ways it's the best thing  for her own growth- I do believe that I'm doing her a favour!!! Growth is painful but so necessary even and maybe particularly at the end of life.  

Every moment now that I talk to or am with my mother I am conscious of taking care of myself and protecting me. This means I have to limit my phone calls so I have an exit strategy ready. After a 2- 3 hour visit I really am fit to be tied so now most of our "visiting" is done during shopping etc. I time my "visit" so that I must leave to miss rush hour traffic etc.

What ways could you change what you are doing to give yourself some breathing room?    

It's your turn Only Me.  These mothers eat us alive. No more!  Get those boundaries shored up!!  It's not selfish it's simply self- preservation and you are entitled to that and much more.

Les

[OnlyMe]

Thank You, Les -
yes, my boundaries are very shaky and need rebuilding.  My dad died in June, after being very sick for several months, so I had to be there, and that is when I got sucked back into the vortex and lost my boundaries completely.  Nm has bounced back, was wearing red within a week, but I am slowly working through things.  Yes, my boundaries need rebuilding, and right away.  I love your idea of taking off your glasses! I try to look at a space at the top of the nose, btwn the eyes - because the eyes seem to bore right through me, as though they were the eyes of the devil....cold and cruel and watching.   And, I have discovered the shopping angle, as well!  Unfortunately, because of the distance, I need to stay overnite when I visit, so I need all the strength I can muster before I head out for my penance!
I am reading past postings, as you suggest, and am learning so much - and it is empowering.  The biggest thing is leaning that I am not alone, and now  have a safe place to talk about The Truth.

[Discounted Girl]

My experience (and I have tried many times with others) has shown this forum to be the ONLY place I receive understanding. I don't need anyone to defend me, run offense for me, plead my case, or even agree with me; I just need acknowledgement and understanding. I have not found it anywhere but via a cyber world on this board.

My father also died in June, but 3 years ago, and before the sun had set on the day we placed in him in the ground she had managed to create the most damage of any other single day in my life. If she loved and adored the man the way she always said she did, she should not have had the strength to pull off the stunt she did. It was a double blow to find out that the "love of her life" story was also another lie.

She also has the beady staring eyes. When I was a kid I could feel her drilling into my back, making me self-conscious of my body; always judging, criticizing, never allowing me to relax and feel safe. I would never, not for a million $ close my eyes or turn my back in her presence ever again, let alone spend the night. I think that I should never see the light of the next morning.

[Anonymous]

Hello, Flower and Seeker, and all!

Well, I have just been on the phone with nmom and am exhausted.
It is so draining to have to keep pretending to care about her long descriptions of her day and how wonderful she is, and how lovely she looks, etc.  I seldom am able to squeeze in a complete sentence - it is all about her, for about an hour non-stop.  I understand her need for mirroring, and I try to tell her how wonderful she is, how nice she looks, and how helpful she is to the people in her day (all the while knowing that she would never do one thing for anyone without a manipulative motive).  I continue to stroke her with flattery only because it keeps her off my back.  But, I am almost a puddle by the time we hang up the phone.  She is living on her own, is in her eighties, and so I need to keep in touch to make sure she is okay, but gee whiz, it's exhausting!

Can you find ways to limit the conversation to 15 min? If she doesn't like it, that's her problem. You don't owe her this amount of time and energy. I've "hurt" my mother thousands of times by setting some limits. She hasn't died yet but she has sulked. Too bad...  

bunny

[OnlyMe]

I am learning from all of you, and I thank you for your support, and most of all, for believing and understanding.

Here are my baby steps, based on strength you have given me in the short few days I have been here:
I did not call nm the night before last, waiting to see if I could have a free evening, and she did not call me - so last night I went to the Library instead of spending the evening on the phone, being drained.  Nm called and my H answered - she sounded 'hurt' that I wasn't available but, guess what? You are right - the sun still came up this morning!
I am taking baby steps to test and reclaim my boundaries, and they are steps in the right direction.  I feel a power rising inside of me, just knowing I am not alone.  This Board is a lifesaver.

[OnlyMe]

I am just realizing the extent of the horror of this abuse.  I have been grappling with my situation, which finally was named thanks to a wonderful MD who saw beyond my mere words, and diagnosed 'severe childhood trauma and abuse'.   Then I could begin the long, neverending healing process, however painful.  I have always thought that I was soldiering on, alone, and wondered how I could help someone else who might have had a nparent, and suffered from the np abuse their entire life, as well.

Now I am hearing all your voices.
I am so grateful to have found your voices, for it is helping me more than you can ever know.
But, now I am in tears, because, it was bad enough to know I had led such a torturous life alone in that home, and when I reached out for help to never have been believed because my nm was a respected member of the community and church - but to now learn that there are so many others who also led horrific lives as children, and who are still trying to find  that Unconditional Love that we have needed but never received, just breaks my heart.  

I could somehow accept that, if my parent coudn't find something in me to love, then I must be comepletely unloveable - why would my parent lie?!  ...and so I have accepted that as fact.  I always accepted that I must be a terrible waste of skin, even though I have a Mensa IQ and have been successful at everything I try.  And even though I have a wonderful H, I still wonder what he sees in me to love.  

But, the pain of learning that there are so many others like me is hitting me like a ton of bricks at the moment, and I am crying for all of us.
It is so wrong.
We need our voices.
I am so thankful to have found you.
Thank you, Dr. G. for giving us a safe place to find ourselves and our voices so we can learn to Stand.
I can't stop crying for us all - will be back later when I collect myself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OnlyMe,

Big long hugs to you.  Feel your feelings, it sounds like it's been a long time coming.  

In time, you will be able to see for yourself what is lovable in you.  Once you discover that, you will be able to count on it no matter what.  Only you can be "OnlyMe".  

Peace, Seeker

[bunny]

I could somehow accept that, if my parent coudn't find something in me to love, then I must be comepletely unloveable - why would my parent lie?!  ...and so I have accepted that as fact.  I always accepted that I must be a terrible waste of skin, even though I have a Mensa IQ and have been successful at everything I try.  And even though I have a wonderful H, I still wonder what he sees in me to love.

A pathologically N parent can't love anyone. Unfortunately this includes their children. They are not capable of the constellation of attitudes and behaviors that are loving. Their internal worlds are filled with unprocessed rage, hate, terror, fear, anger, aggression. This gets projected onto whoever will quickly ingest their projections (i.e., children). The child's loveability is high, but the parents' capacity to behave caringly and lovingly is extremely low.

bunny