A topic NOT about the board conflict.....Help I am angry!!

[Overcomer]

Day after day after day I endure my h.  You know he is an alcoholic.  So I have to endure his drunkenness.  His constant droning about Journey and the size of his pants and the size of his shoes.  For seven years I have heard the same conversation over and over and over and over and over again.  I think he is OCD.  He just cannot shift gears........it is ALWAYS the same.

Everyday I come into the house......after Jazzercise.  After whatever.  I come in and in a sing songy voice say "HELLO BOYS!!"  To him and the dog.  Oh, but do I get a nice hello back?  NO!  I get the..........."did your daughter ASK if she could have people over?"  "I went outside and their was a BOY back there and I have never met him."  Well, I know the kid..........

He has never embraced my children and their activities.  He never does ANYTHING to be a part of their lives.  He wants a "say" in what goes on in our house....but his say is for him to be drunk and us to live in a hole with no one a part of our lives.  He wants to lay around in bed and watch tv.  Or get drunk.  No eating dinner with the family.  No one over...

I hate him!

[changing]

Dear Overcomer-

You are a woman of heart, wit, intellect and soul...truly an overcomer. You have really lifted me out of my mundane debacles into the frothy realm of ideas and fun , more than once. I wish that I had your gifts- I can only say that I care and wish the best for you. I know that you want those around you to wake up and see the possibilities of life- what a waste to not enjoy and treasure the gifts one has, especially the scintillating company and love of Overcomer!!!

Love You- I Know That You Will Continue To Overcome!!!

Changing

[Leah]

(((((((( Kelly ))))))))

You have aptly described my ex husband.

It broke my heart, to see his lack of interest in our son.

I would go to hug him and he would ask/check if I had completed some task or chore.

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

It's funny because the thing he used to go on and on about was his mother.  He said of her.........."you wouldn't care if I was the president of the universe, I still could do nothing right."  She called him and overgrown lumux and would never let him have friends over - NEVER.  His sister would be eating in the family room and watching tv and when she heard the garage door open she would run in a panic so her mom would not see her eating in the family room.

Now his mother is gone and he has nothing but nice things to say about her but her legacy lives on in him.  Everything he hated about his mom comes out in his personality.  He is NEVER happy.  He is always bitching about something.  It is a never ending drone about one thing or another.  Or it is talk of shoe size, pants size or Journey.......and I kid you not.  That is the extent of his seven year reportoire.....

Na na na na na...........kids, sunscreen clogging the filter, suing the former owners of the house, complaining to the realtor about this, calling the neighbor about that.  Can't we all just live and let live and try to enjoy life???

[Leah]

Can't we all just live and let live and try to enjoy life???

(((((((( Kelly ))))))))))

My sentiment entirely - we are only here for a season.

Love,

Leah

[lighter]

Wow, Kell....

Do you think you're about done living that way?

Is this something you want to change?

Make a move to distance him from your life.... sounds like he's not that involved with the children's lives anyway.

What would you gain?

What would you lose?

What would the children gain and lose?

What are the consequences of leaving him?

Where would you go?

He go?

Would you parent's/family understand and support your decision?

Do you think you can stay for another 7 or 10 or 15 years and....

do you want to?

Lighter

[Ami]

Sorry, Kelly for the pain you are feeling.
 I am sorry that you are feeling so hopeless .
 I wish I could help, beyond mere words.   Love   Ami

(((((((Kelly)))))))))

[LilyCat]

Hi Overcomer,

That sounds like a nightmare to come home to.

...I'm wondering if his behavior has anything to do with feelings of entitlement. (Or is he just an N?) In any case, it's ironic that you would make this kind of a post, because I read your story earlier today and I was very touched by it.

I'm a big Benny Goodman fan, and I've been listening to a CD as I drive around this week. There's a great song on there that has made me think of so many who live with N's (more so, the people from a different board.) I'll have to relisten to the lyrics, but I think they go like this:

You had plenty of money in '22
You let women make a fool of you
Now do the right thing
Get out of here and get me some money too.

...like, stop lying around and go out and get a job.

Just trying to insert a little lightness into things.

(((OC))))

[teartracks]

Dear OC,

Looking back on my own recovery, it was the intense anger that finally pushed me out of denying past abuse, but for me the months immediately following my 'crash and burn' were the hardest.  A mantle of new emotions fell on me and I didn't know what to do with them.  Then rage set in.  Out of everything, the rage was the scariest.  So what am I saying?  I'm saying, be prepared for the phase that follows the anger you're feeling.  Don't try to walk the path alone.  I can't remember if you have a therapist.  If you do, that's great.  Allow them to help.  If you don't and you can afford one, go.  If that is out of the question, then a compassionate confidante or a sharing group can be priceless.  I was scared to death to join a group.  I was sure there was some impossible protocol that had to be followed, only to find that there wasn't and all I had to do and be was my flawed to the nth degree self.   When it's all said and done, recovery is overcoming the fear of being who we were intended to be.  I stepped over one fear just by joining a group.  They were wonderful.

Wishing you the best...


tt

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi OC

I am very sorry for the bind you are in. If you do hate him, as you said, then I would think that bean and lighter have given you food for thought.

Serious thought.

I left such an alcoholic. How he could work 5 days (4½--missed Monday mornings) a week, become totally snockered after work, with the guys, walk home late for dinner and D already in bed at 7:30 --crawl into bed with no dinner, sleep it off and repeat every day. Naturally Sat and Sunday were very bad.

Do you have fear of being alone?

Izzy

[Overcomer]

No, I have a fear of not being able to make it.  I am optimistic about my new business and I tell you when I can replace his income I think I will tell him to walk through the door.  He is so irritating.  He just cannot stop himself from complaining about EVERYTHING!  But if I ask him a question like What do you think of Barak, he clams up.  He cannot talk about anything of substance......it is just a nonstop bitch session.  He goes on and on about work - I cannot stand it - it is so boring!!  And then if I call him and tell him about the neighbor complaining about the parking, he goes on and on and repeats himself over and over about what he's going to say.....of course he never says it.  I am the only one who hears his wrath.....or would be wrath.............after our conversation today I had what I will call irritable bowel syndrome.....I couldn't go too far from the toilet...............that was bad....

[lighter]

It would be good if you could limit his ability to bend your ear with all that negativity.

Get busy.... what is it?  The non sequeter Hops talks about?

He complains... YOU say.... "Oh, the grass is brown in spots" and walk away.

He says his pants are too small.... YOU say "Oh, the sky is very blue today."

Picturing you standing there letting him drill your head full of ploys for pity..... ach.

Too familiar and I know the feeling.

Do you have to listen?

What happens if you don't?

How can you gain distance and peace where you are?

And..... if you wait till you're ready... will you ever be ready to leave?

(((Kelly)))
Hope your tummy feels better.

Lighter

[Leah]

(((((((( Kelly ))))))))

In the end, I had to choose to walk away, (well in the end it was an escape process) and leave.

It was not easy, but, I am so very glad that I did.

My health was suffering, with one virus after another.

However, I do appreciate that it is not easy due to financial concerns, which is the norm for all who need to walk away, or escape!

The constant nagging and nit-picking, moaning and complaining, is very draining.

Thoughts of you, with genuine empathy.

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

I understand the process.  I was married to my ex for 11 years and I just got to the point one day where I walked up to him and said, "I want a divorce!  I am so done with this."  It took quite a long time to get to that point but when I did, there was no turning back.

That day will come if he does not change his ways.  I am not there yet but I have already decided in my mind that I will not be with him for the long haul.  My daughter is going to have a baby and I can just imagine him complaining about the baby being over too much.  Or that they are not parenting him right.  I know Mr. Know it all will have some bitching to do about it all........

Every once in a while there is a glimmer of hope and maybe that is why I do not leave.  But then again, I am a bit stupid...........it's like childbirth........I often forget how bad it is when he is being good.......