Good and Evil

[Ami]

I thought *I* was evil when I SAW evil. That is what my M did to me. She was evil and I was innocent, a child. I could not see it. It  was too scary, too leeing, mocking ,hurtful, hateful.
 *I* had to think it was "me".
  If *I* saw it, I had to turn it on myself, just for SEEING  it.
 I can see it ,now, It is there within all of us, but we can face it and chose NOT to act with it. That is the choice of humanity, not if we have evil , but if we chose to act on it.
 It is so simple. The struggle between good and evil, within us, outside of us IS what the human condition is about and what life is about.
         Ami

[Ami]

I feel really happy. I am seeing one of the most pivotal things. Knowing good and evil IS your inner compass. I need to own good and evil , in me , and see it ,in others.
  When you can, you can navigate life.When you can discern good and evil, you can walk away when you need to.When you own good and evil ,in yourself, you will not be pulled like a puppet by others.        Ami

[Ami]

My M's control of me was her taking away my trusting in good and evil. That way, she could mold me. If I had no external standard of right and wrong, she could twist   me and she did.
  I feel much stronger, now,in the way I used to be.    Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Ami,

As I have been reading the board today I have been feeling sadness for the loss of our friendship. It is difficult for me to cut ties with people, that was not my intention, even in the moment of my anger.

If I am holding anger and hatred towards others then I have evil in my heart. If I am judging others then I am coming from a place of unhealed evil.

At the same time I can also hold love in my heart, I'm a mix of good and bad.

In one days time I can judge, criticize, tolerate, love, feel compassion, be unselfish, be selfish, carrying anger and carry forgiveness.

For me it is a practice to love and a practice to grow away from intolerance towards a deep and abiding Mercy for all...not easy but it is my goal and a goal worth everything to me.

Through my intense year of healing,which I am just coming through the otherside of, I am learning that the more deeply convicted of God's Mercy for everyone the more peace I will have.

I accept you, good and bad, just the way I have learned to accept myself, the good and the bad.

It is painful for me to ever ignore someone...really, I struggle with that because as a child I was deeply invalidated and ignored, therefore, I have no wish to ever see anyone suffer that way.

Peace and love to you.

Lise

[Ami]

You are good hearted ,Lise. I can ALWAYS see that through everything.*I* am very, very, very flawed. You have to overlook much to be my friend. If you want to be friends, I am game. If not, I respect  that ,too. 
                                                                                                                            Blessings  Lise,     Ami     

[Gabben]

Here is a quote for you...

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."
Henry David Thoreau

[Ami]

I see my M. I see that she was  "evil"in the sense that she was twisted .She played games , games and those twisted games, she told me were "real". I knew they evil, but I could not hold on to it. I let it go and with it my trust in myself.
      Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

Ami and Gabben

If I might speak in here....I felt that the two of you became fast friends too quickly, for Internet people.

I felt badly when I saw that the two of you were on the outs.

I hope the two of you can get back to a place from which to move on, that is different from the place that drove you apart!
Sincerely
Izzy

[Leah]

My M's control of me was her taking away my trusting in good and evil. That way, she could mold me. If I had no external standard of right and wrong, she could twist   me and she did.
  I feel much stronger, now,in the way I used to be.    Ami

Dear Ami,

I resonate and have genuine understanding because that is exactly what my mother was so very good at doing, twisting my reality, and I truly did not know day from night.

You are stonger now, and there is real growth.

I don't think you see just how much you have truly grown.

Love & blessings,

Leah

[Ami]

Thank you Leah for your kind words. I do feel better, much better.   Love  Ami

[Ami]

Thank you, Izzy, for those kind sentiments.
I never realized I used comma's so poorly,but you are right. I was sitting in the back of English class, not paying attention and this is what I have to show for it(lol).        Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

thank you Ami

and I noticed already that you were doing better-----far easier to read. (comma is often a natural pause in speaking, especially long sentences.)

[Ami]

 As long as I hung on to my identity as a person of character , I hung on to my sanity, in a way.
 When I reached puberty, my M made fun of the fact that I wanted to stay a virgin until I got married. She mocked me and humiliated me. So, during my sophomore year in college, I  lost my virginity to s/one I met at a bar. I wanted to prove that I WAS worthless . I was what my M said.
 I did not deserve to aspire to anything more .
 

[Ami]

 I am trying to root out the pain and shame and then I will be able to see clearly, good and bad, right and wrong , clarity.
 You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free. Freedom is inside.      Ami
 

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

That is part of it and very true! But, another way to "see clearly" is to look at ourselves, to see our behavior.

This is not easy and I still have to do it.

Admiting that I come from (my behavior) the 4 places that we come from:

Selfish
Inconsiderate
Dishonest
Fearful

Looking at ones self is about admitting that we have instincts which are:

The need to feel good about ourselves - self-esteem
Pride ego - the need to be seen
Money
sex/love
material
ambitons

These intincts are God given, but the question is do I manipulate for them, seeking these thing in excess? Or, do I trust God to provide....taking blind leaps of faith and staying away from the selfish, inconsiderate, dishonest, and fearful places.

The moment that I face myself is the moment God gives me real glasses. Healing the shame and anger is part of it.

Lise