Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What is love? the unconditional kind!!
BlueTopaz:
--- Quote ---Now, i am 37, looking better than ever, but i get looks and questions from concerned friends about my being single. Most of the time, i am fine with it and don't stress about it at all, but every once in while, i do wonder what i am missing in life. It must be wonderful to be in love and live happily within a marriage and creating a family. I know, i have lots more work to do as i feel somewhat immature with this aspect of my life. On the other hand, i am so introspective and feel deeply about humanity. Its been hard to find just the right match for me because i find people nowadays
--- End quote ---
Hi Ch,
Well, I could have written that part myself... I get asked so much, why, why, why, I am single. Like you, I get asked out quite a bit, but I am also very introspecitve and "deep" and I have trouble finding a personality match. Not necessarily someone as deep and intro. at all, but just someone who "feels right". Someone more emotionally and spiritually connected within themselves.
I also wonder whether I am missing out on so many interesting experiences by declining invitations (with people I don't feel are a fit) without giving it a chance at least, or whether it might be better because I'd be saving myself headaches. I'm not sure either way on that one... Maybe it would be a case by case thing.
Anyway, love to me = healing. Since relationships bring up all of the painful childhood emotions, a relationship that would be conscious enough to allow for the understandings of where reactions and behaviors are coming from (ie. overreactions that lead to arguments are seldom about the surface subject), being able to talk through them from their base point, and heal them, would be a very loving one, at core.
In short, I'd say love = consciousness= healing... My thinking is that the more evolution of consciousness that humanity is able to achieve, the more we will experience truly loving relationships, and vice versa.
I know that probably didn't help you one bit! LOL! hehe..
That's just my weird answer....
BT
ch:
Hi Seeker, Peter, Bunny, BT,
I liked all of your answers. It is great help to reflect and share all your great ideas. Let's keep brainstorming on this topic. I'd like to really get to the bottom of this one.
For me, i have no trouble with love of arts, music, animals, nature, children, humanity. The specific problem i am referring to is romantic love-- love suitable to sustain a long-term relationship, hopefully marriage.
Why does it seem so difficult? How have our Nparents ruined our chances to trust ourselves, to find a good mate. I have a history of Nmen as former and current boyfriends. Although, i tried to learn the lesson each time, and slowly improved my selection of men, the common denominator is still there. They are all N men!!! :x Ahhh, damn it!! I need help!! :evil:
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: ch ---For me, i have no trouble with love of arts, music, animals, nature, children, humanity. The specific problem i am referring to is romantic love-- love suitable to sustain a long-term relationship, hopefully marriage.
--- End quote ---
I think that we are given wrong info (usually through TV and films) about romantic love. We think that love is this transcendant and permanent feeling, really magical, that stays fresh and beautiful always. There is very little information about setting high standards, being discerning, and using one's head. That is actually far more important for marriage than the "in love" emotions. Marriage has to withstand banal everyday stuff, family emergencies like illness/death, in-laws, family events, arguments, big decisions, etc. It's more about finding someone you can go through life with.
Here is a book that I enthusiastically recommend: Are You The One For Me? by Barbara d'Angelis. I really think you'd like it.
bunny
Ishana:
Thank you for the topic, ch.
I suspect there are as many answers as there are people because we all have different experiences, needs, feelings, etc.
Still, sharing the human condition is so rewarding.
My experience, so far, has led me to the current experience of knowing, unrevocably, that I am loved. For a long time, perhaps six years into this committed relationship, my insecurities and past hurts kept me skeptical. I chose my spouse based on my assessment of his character, our ability to communicate and problem solve, mutual goals in life, etc. What I found was someone who loves me unconditionally. How do I know? I see manifestations of it time and time again. I don't wonder or question, ever. My insecurities have disappeared. I understand it is a commitment...a commitment to ourselves and to each other. It is wanting what you have and having what you need. It is, day after day, communicating with the goal of mutual understanding. It is respecting each other's boundaries. It is taking the time to listen, to understand, to care. Its knowing that our lives aren't perfect...but knowing, no matter what, his love will be there. Its trusting...after having been hurt once so deeply that I didn't want to go on living. It trusting...after having been hurt again. Its finding someone who understood the hurt and was willing to commit to do whatever it took to ease the hurt. Its also about being committed to ourselves as individuals...the gift of caring for ourselves as well as each other.
This may not make sense but his love is so deep and manifests in so many ways that I don't "need" for him to express it. He does, but what I'm talking about is my need.
Another aspect of our relationship that I love is the reciprocity. It is there on every level. I can count on him in every way.
I know you have been talking about romantic love, but I have something else to share. Something that I have learned, from loving his children, is that when you unconditionally love someone and are committed to them you don't even have to receive back. What I mean is that I love them, each one, very deeply. Each of them and I bonded deeply through several experiences. This bond has threatened their mother, who was out of the picture for a while. Now she's back and they are confused about their loyalty to each of us. At first it hurt, the way they treated me. Now I understand and see the effects of my unconditional love in so many ways even if they can't demonstrate it. So even though at times they seem indifferent, and that used to hurt, now I see children who are confused or who feel it is more safe to not show their love to me (the other ones will "tell" on the one who is interacting with me) than to displease their mother. What I'm trying to say is that there are times where unconditional love means just that...no conditions. I feel myself growing through this experience...to love no matter what. To understand the other person and their needs and to place that above your own.
I am not speaking of co-dependency. Marriages and committed adult relationships are different than adult-child relationships. But there could be times in a committed relationship when unconditional love is warranted and even needed. I know I have developed this capacity...and the knowledge to know when its love and when its dysfunction.
Hmmm...feels like just a start to me too, Guest.
Ishana
Dawning:
I would like to meet a man and share whatever years I have left but my family (in particular, my own father) abused and damaged me so much. It is probably best for me not to have a man in my life now. And only concentrate on my art. Unconditional love is something I want to give to myself at this point. I walked away from a 6 year unhealthy relationship last month. I am taking little baby steps now. The light is back on and I am not living in the darkness anymore....maybe that is what unconditional love feels like. :?:
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