Author Topic: It is not nice to "should" on someone......  (Read 2353 times)

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It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« on: June 15, 2008, 01:22:51 PM »
Have you ever noticed this?  My mom is the Queen of "shoulds" and "oughts."  What you "should" do is x........you "ought" to go to y......

Now I just do not listen.  Even if her "should" is a good "should."

Sometimes in an effort to individuate myself from her, I fail to listen to a thing she has to say.  In fact, I DON'T listen to a thing she has to say.

I believe when we are in the midst of healing, we go through different stages.  When I first came to that breaking point where I had had enough and the rage was all I could accomplish.......................that was it.  I wouldn't listen to advise.  I wouldn't "hear" anything.  I was at the point in my life where I was breaking through.  I finally found my voice.  I became outspoken.  I called people on their stupid behavior.  "Excuse me, ma'am............but there is a line and you just cut in it.......the line ends back there." 

Or..........."can I speak to the manager?  Excuse me sir, but there is a line in your restaurant and the boy at the cash register definitely needs more training....."

I would have NEVER said those things 15 years ago, why, I couldn't even say no to a telemarketer.......

So I have complained about my husband or my mother for years now here on the board, and people say................."do something about it Kelly!!"  And even if it does not appear that I am "doing" something about it...............I actually am because I am processing the advise and I am working my way towards the final outcome....even if it seems to take months and years............

And so I say that everyone of us is in different stages of our recovery.  And everyone of us has different dynamics.  Some were raised by N mothers (me - so I think this is the worst!!)  Some by N fathers......some by N husbands.  Some have N bosses.  Some have N children.  Some have children who were married to Ns.  For whatever reason, we were rendered voiceless in some way.  We also have different personalities.  I am an extrovert.  My mom is an introvert.  My mom wants me to model my life after her.  She wants me to act and dress and be like her.  But I cannot.  We are sooo different and our differences make it impossible to be alike. 

So I "should" not have to kiss my step-grandfather goodbye (as my mom whispers this "should" into my ear) if I do not want to.  And who is she to issue an edict like that to a 45 year old woman anyway?????  And I "shouldn't" have to do everything my mom sees fit for me to do.............although I used to........how high do you want me to jump, mom???

I think some here on the board really do not want advise...............they just want to be heard.  They just want to be affirmed.  Validated.  That's all and that is ok.

Others truly need a "how to."  How do I deal with an abusive boss?  Give me steps.....

Others need to read articles on healing.  Some like to share what they have read.

Some need spiritual support.  Others do not want God involved at all!

Some are scared.

Some are bold.

Most are tired.

Some are going through some major stuff.  In fact, a whole lot are going through major stuff.

Some WENT through major stuff a long time ago and are working towards the healing..........

Anyway, I guess this is a ramble................but my point is I guess none of us should "should" each other and expect that we will do what the person who "shoulds" us tells us we "should" do...................unless we are at a point in our healing that that "should" sounds like something we want to do........... :?
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2008, 01:30:22 PM »
Wow, Kelly... absolutely awesome post!

I've handed out shoulds and been hammered with them, too... and I hear you loud and clear.


Thank you!! 

Carolyn

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2008, 01:36:41 PM »
Leah..........I am not referring to the board right now.  I am referring to what my mom does to me.  I do not think people use the word should here on the board. 

But then I started thinking about how I reacted to those shoulds by my mom and I realized that it depends where you are if you are receptive to advise.

This is not a veiled attempt to say anything about the board right now.....no hidden meanings.....
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Izzy_*now*

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2008, 01:38:44 PM »
Dear OC

I agree with you completely. To me 'should' is a control word! I have felt that for a long time and do my best not use it, regarding me, and especially others.

I have used 'ought' in its place, and 'ought' to me sounds like a 'choice word'

(Many of us have quirks..)

i.e."Perhaps you ought to think more about it?" is a sentence that I think gives the other party a choice......replace 'ought' with 'should' and to me it sounds like an underhanded control statement

............now I have to wonder about totally rephrasing again.............

Thanks for the post....after my own heart
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Leah

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2008, 01:40:41 PM »
Leah..........I am not referring to the board right now.  I am referring to what my mom does to me.  I do not think people use the word should here on the board. 

But then I started thinking about how I reacted to those shoulds by my mom and I realized that it depends where you are if you are receptive to advise.

This is not a veiled attempt to say anything about the board right now.....no hidden meanings.....


Kelly ....... I realized that.   Which is why I deleted my post.   As I said, I have not perceived  "shoulds" on the board.   And so it is, that I understand you are referring to what your mom does to you.


Izzy .........I prefer to use the word "ought" as I feel that has a sense of personal choice about it.     Then there is "I feel"   "I think"    "what I do is"    "I wonder if maybe"  and so the beat goes on!

« Last Edit: June 15, 2008, 01:44:00 PM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2008, 02:06:45 PM »
Iz:  yEAH.........SHOULD is worse than OUGHT......

Should makes me feel like what I thought of doing is wrong.........what I SHOULD do (mom's idea) is right.  Another example of invalidation.

You should NEVER do what YOU deem fit, you SHOULD do what I deem fit.  In other words, "It is her way or the highway...."

Just once in my life would I like my mom to say, "great idea, Kelly, why don't you do that?"  NO.  My mom always has a better idea.

Latest idea.  Get rid of that online banking.  Get out the check register and write down everything you do.  So, I almost went to the online bill pay and cancelled all my automatic bills to write out the bills by hand...............then I thought to myself, "Self?  Are you crazy?  You almost did what your mom told you you SHOULD do just because it was your mom who said it!!!"  Your mom is behind the times.  She doesn't use an ATM................time to NOT listen to mom even though she tries at every turn to control you with her antiquated logic!!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Leah

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2008, 02:16:10 PM »


What you are expressing and sharing is "control" and "hypercompetitiveness"

Always the need to be TOPS.

Sounds so familiar, with my M.

How are your getaway plans going?

I do so hope that your business venture is working well for you.

Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2008, 02:26:51 PM »
Well, still have resumes out and am waiting for some call backs.  Meanwhile, I am going in to work at 10:30 and leaving at 2:30 and going home and floating in the pool (except when it is storming..........thankfully we are not affected by the floods in my neighborhood..........)  Pretty good hours......

My business is starting to cook.  I am signing someone up in the next state so I am hoping she is a go getter and can take Big Red country by storm!!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Leah

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2008, 02:32:32 PM »

Hi Kelly,

That all sounds good, what with the hours -- and the pool too!   So glad that you have not been affected by the floods, I have seen on the worldwide news of the truly devastating floods in Iowa, and my heart goes out to all there.

I am so glad to know that your business is taking off, and I do hope that your new person all signed -- is ready to go and get!

Very best wishes for a good outcome regarding the resumes.

You deserve a break -- a BIG one I think.

Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2008, 03:04:03 PM »
So the Iowa floods are being shown in the UK?  We had horrendous floods in 93 but they are saying this is worse.  The reason it is not worse for me is the water supply is not being affected.  In 93 the flood went into the Des Moines Waterworks and all the water supply was tainted.  So no one had water.  Plus if I remember correctly we didn't have power.  So we all went to my parents who had well water and a generator.  After that flood they re-enforced the waterworks and it was not compromised this time.  However, Cedar Rapids was really affected this time and also Coralville which is the home of University of Iowa.....we live in the suburbs so the worse we got was a small "lake" in our backyard which is starting to soak in.  Our sump pump runs constantly and the grass has grown and grown and grown......so much rain!!

I am calling my lady from Nebraska to sign her up.  I have always believed if you find a network company that is TRULY ground floor and a good product, you can make money.  I have signed on to others but really did not understand that you had to "work."  You don't just sign up and miraculously you are rich.  You have to work and gain some momentum AND be the first ones in.......I plan on working and I am the first in Iowa
SO..............I will keep you posted!!  When that business takes off I will be so happy and thank God every day that I am out from other my mother and all her "shoulds" and her "control" by having all the money and power in the family!!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

teartracks

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2008, 03:10:36 PM »



Hi OC,

Great insights.  This may seem like a silly analogy, but it's like you got a shot of Miracle Grow put to you feet.  

For Kelly:

This is for all the lonely people
thinking that life has passed them by
Don't give up
until you drink from the silver cup
And ride that highway in the sky


This is for all the single people
thinking that life has left them dry
don't give up
until you drink from the silver cup
you never know until you try


Well I'm on my way
Yes, I'm back to stay
Well, I'm on my way back home


This is for all the lonely people
thinking that life has left them dry
don't give up
until you drink from the silver cup
She'll never take you down or
never give you up
you never know until you try


tt

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2008, 06:28:39 PM »
Loved that song and so appropo for my situation.  I cannot give up until finally I find something that gives me a way out and a way to not struggle too much when I am out!!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

lighter

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Re: It is not nice to "should" on someone......
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2008, 07:55:35 PM »
This is a great thread....

new word that speaks to me....

hypercompetiveness.

Control...

that one already spoke.  :shock:

Lighter