Have you ever noticed this? My mom is the Queen of "shoulds" and "oughts." What you "should" do is x........you "ought" to go to y......
Now I just do not listen. Even if her "should" is a good "should."
Sometimes in an effort to individuate myself from her, I fail to listen to a thing she has to say. In fact, I DON'T listen to a thing she has to say.
I believe when we are in the midst of healing, we go through different stages. When I first came to that breaking point where I had had enough and the rage was all I could accomplish.......................that was it. I wouldn't listen to advise. I wouldn't "hear" anything. I was at the point in my life where I was breaking through. I finally found my voice. I became outspoken. I called people on their stupid behavior. "Excuse me, ma'am............but there is a line and you just cut in it.......the line ends back there."
Or..........."can I speak to the manager? Excuse me sir, but there is a line in your restaurant and the boy at the cash register definitely needs more training....."
I would have NEVER said those things 15 years ago, why, I couldn't even say no to a telemarketer.......
So I have complained about my husband or my mother for years now here on the board, and people say................."do something about it Kelly!!" And even if it does not appear that I am "doing" something about it...............I actually am because I am processing the advise and I am working my way towards the final outcome....even if it seems to take months and years............
And so I say that everyone of us is in different stages of our recovery. And everyone of us has different dynamics. Some were raised by N mothers (me - so I think this is the worst!!) Some by N fathers......some by N husbands. Some have N bosses. Some have N children. Some have children who were married to Ns. For whatever reason, we were rendered voiceless in some way. We also have different personalities. I am an extrovert. My mom is an introvert. My mom wants me to model my life after her. She wants me to act and dress and be like her. But I cannot. We are sooo different and our differences make it impossible to be alike.
So I "should" not have to kiss my step-grandfather goodbye (as my mom whispers this "should" into my ear) if I do not want to. And who is she to issue an edict like that to a 45 year old woman anyway????? And I "shouldn't" have to do everything my mom sees fit for me to do.............although I used to........how high do you want me to jump, mom???
I think some here on the board really do not want advise...............they just want to be heard. They just want to be affirmed. Validated. That's all and that is ok.
Others truly need a "how to." How do I deal with an abusive boss? Give me steps.....
Others need to read articles on healing. Some like to share what they have read.
Some need spiritual support. Others do not want God involved at all!
Some are scared.
Some are bold.
Most are tired.
Some are going through some major stuff. In fact, a whole lot are going through major stuff.
Some WENT through major stuff a long time ago and are working towards the healing..........
Anyway, I guess this is a ramble................but my point is I guess none of us should "should" each other and expect that we will do what the person who "shoulds" us tells us we "should" do...................unless we are at a point in our healing that that "should" sounds like something we want to do...........
