What if you were Doc G?

[Hopalong]

Here's an empathy exercise.

You're a mild-mannered psychologist who has enormous empathy for children. You adore your own to distraction and you can easily perceive how damaging it is when children are suppressed, repressed, stifled, abused, flattened -- either by intentional or ignorant neglect or abuse.  Honoring the inner voice, the essential dignity, in every child (whether in a child's or adult's body) becomes a passion for you, personally and professionally.

So much so that you decide to build a safe and welcoming place where people who have experienced voicelessness can dialogue in trust with others, experimenting with assertiveness, stating needs and feelings, learning from others' struggles and successes. Offering each other support and wisdom and help or just simple company. Your message board becomes a hearth, a companion, a place that's open 24/7 where anyone with a computer and a need to talk and be listened to can turn for comfort, for company, and for advice.

People come, and go, and themes appear. Some people find their voices and talk gently and enthusiastically with each other, forming real friendships, experiencing love and acceptance. Other people find their voices and shout for attention. Most of the time, it's readily given. After a while, coalitions and factions form, and some members find themselves repeatedly at the core of conflicts. Usually, they yell louder. Now and then, one is asked to leave the board.

One summer, the battling gets so protracted and nasty that you find that it's not so satisfying as you had hoped it would be, to try to uphold all these fractured people in the community of your board. You begin to rethink your role as their unsung moderator. They ask you to take sides. Some even call you names and show contempt for you. Others hint that you're not doing an adequate job.

You continue honoring voice, being a voice for healing, with your family and friends and in your practice and in your community. Every day, you read through hundreds of words on the board. You watch, you hope the magic of community goodwill and good intentions will carry the day, but you don't intervene unless it's drastic. But you find yourself wondering now and then, is it worth it?

The above is pure fiction, of course. I can't imagine what Doc G is thinking or feeling about the atmosphere lately.

But I have been thinking about him.

Hops

[Ami]

People should not let bullies go ON and ON and ON and ON( 2 years)  Hops.Many people have left the board from the bullying that *I* am strong enough to take, thanks be to God.       Ami



PS I do not believe in a "moderated" board, just stepping in in excessive situations, which ARE hard to discern, sometimes.

[LilyCat]

Hops, I'm right with you. I have been thinking about this subject for the past many days.

Don't have an answer. But I have thought that if it were me, I'd probably get ticked off and close down the board, sneering, "Ingrates!"

Or have a couple of martinis.

Or maybe go on that trip to St. Thomas I've been postponing...

Or all three.

Not making light of this, not at all, I really have given it a great deal of thought. All I can extend is immense gratitude and respect.

Always great to hear your voice, Hops! Missed you!! So much.

[Lupita]

The story of the dunky and the old mand and the child.

They all were walking when somebody told them how stupid they were becasue they could be on the dunky. They got on the dunky and kept going and somebody told them how cruel they were because they both were on the dunky. The old man got off the dunky and kept going. Then somebody told them how stupid they were because the poor old man was walking instead of the ouny strong child. So thet changed palces nad kept going. Somebody stopped them and told them how stupid they were since the old man was on the dunky and the poor young child was walking.

Never is everybody going to be happy or everybody unhappy. We make some of the time some poeple happy and some of the time some people unhappy.

We cannot be responsible for the feelings of others or the thoughts of others or the opinions of others and need not to care for the opinions of others.

Just do the best we can.

I, personally, am very thankful to Dr. Grossman for this place where I can come and talk and make friends.


Dear Dr. Grossman, you have all my sympathy, and my empathy.

I do not want to be a principal in a school, or a president of a country, or a CEO or a company, etc.

Hops, thank you for this thread.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Hops,

Me, too... been thinking... alot.

And then I remember Dr. Grossman's essays... and I trust that he is willing and able to do whatever's necessary to resolve this mess properly.

However it settles out, I'm so grateful for my own experience here...  for the opportunities to explore and grow! This place, under Dr. G's moderation and guidance, just as they have been, has been one of the greatest blessings ever in my life, and I'll never forget the wonderful friends discovered here. Nothing can change that... it's a done deal.

This latest mess is extraordinary, I feel.... in my bones, I feel it.... and I hope it's brought to a close, and that - in no uncertain terms.
Feels like a sort of riot, to me... like nothing that's gone before in my time and experience here.
So I've been preparing myself, or trying to... for what I view as the very real possibility that the board may not be available in future.
Don't mean that too sound overly dramatic, but when you ask - "what would you do?"  
.... well, I think I'd be seriously considering shutting it down, simply because - - - -  life is too short, you know?
I'd be wondering... how many more difficult discernments and decisions do I need to squeeze into my "free" time?
And... when will it ever end?

Of course, my personality and thoughts are only my own... but you asked. And those are the things I've been considering.

Thanks for the opportunity to put it into writing, Hops. These are very sad times, I think... and silence doesn't ease that.

Much love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Hi Hops,

I am thankful to Dr Grossman for his board - VESMB.

I think that Dr Grossman is well and okay with it all, for he is fully trained, qualified, and equipped.   That is not to say that I feel sure he would prefer an easier task of moderating this tumult.   

It's the poor folk who come here and are frightened off -- warying of joining, wondering if they too will have a No Contact Order slapped on them and enforced.

It's the members who have left, and are leaving, people who came here for community, with honesty and integrity, and respect.

I feel that when anyone, anywhere, feels unheard - invalidated - having had their reality denied of them - under currents flow - because denial is unhealthy.

I consider it akin to that of oppression and the tide of freedom.   Oppression as in having been denied and invalidated.


With regard to your question, in all honesty, I can't presume to know what I would do if I were Dr G  --  for I am not a qualified professional in his field.    And truly, I can't assume to know.

However, I am aware that Dr Grossman in his training and professionalism is equipped to avoid transference from this board - to intrude himself, as a person.


Grateful thanks to you Dr Grossman, for this is after all, your board, for Voicelessnes and Emotional Survival.

Leah x

[Lupita]

Many times, the only good words of encouragement I found, they were here. Many times the only consolation I found was here.

How many times I have come here and cried because of work, lonliness, fear, stress, anxiety, and many more.

I have to be thankful for this place.

[Izzy_*now*]

Dr. Grossman is a professional and will know how to handle this present set of arguments between members.

I have always thought of him as fair!

Izzy

[debkor]

I think he expects this conflict and give us opportunity to work things out on our own but will not let it get to the point of where it may become abusive and board rules are not being followed..  The opportunity and the issues we wish to resolve are from within each and everyone of us.  We can take what we want, leave the rest alone, yak up a storm, not yak, lurk, leave , NC, and give us the opportunity to learn from each other.. and what we learn and do with it is up to us... he can not fix us..we must do that ourselves..

It's an opportunity for us all.  It's an online support group where maybe others don't have the resources or even support groups by them..and here we are...

And I can't say what would I do.  But I think what he would do is exactly what I am on now.. create a support group.. and know what comes along with it.. a whole bunch of different personalities some times knocking heads.. along the way.. he just over sees this board.. the rest is up to us.

And what would I do right now if was Dr. G  I read the other thread and have a tomato sandwich (home grown) take off my shoes,put my feet up and relax... and say, I'm so glad they said something about tomato's...but all kidding aside

 I have said before I have faith in this board and the people even through conflicts.. 

Love
Deb

[Certain Hope]

Deb,

May I have your autograph, please?

 

You've cheered me up, thanks...  and I really do admire your style so much!

Gonna have to put some miracle gro on those maters yet!

Hugs and love,
Carolyn

[Sela]

Hi all,

The one thing I think might be an illusion is the word.......safe.

Where in this world......in this cyber web world.......can there possibly be a safe place?

Seriously.

As far as I can see, just about anything can happen ......if one is pc literate enough.  So, I think this is not a safe place....no safer than any other place.  How can it be?  It is a place to communicate and some will be kind and try to help, others will glean what they can by reading, others will try to disrupt and  still others will down right dramatize extensively.  Some will even come here to do cyber damage/troll/whatever ya wanna callit.  What can be done? 

I don't expect Dr. G to do it all......fix it.......make it a totally safe place.  That's impossible, isn't it? 

Also.......something few wish to face.......


The abused..... abuse.

 

Not nice but sometimes true.  Maybe more often than we want to admit.






Dear Dr. G,

Thankyou for taking the time and putting in the effort into keeping this board up and running.  I do not expect you to be able to keep it free of idiot/trouble making/dingdongs any more than I expect the whole web to be free of them.  As far as I know that is not possible.  Thankyou for doing your best.

Also, I do not expect you to be perfect or to always speak perfectly or to always judge perfectly or to make perfect decisions all of the time.  I don't think you are God.

Also, your patience is exceptional.

Best to you,
Sela

[lighter]

Hmmmm..... If I were doc G?

Must think about that one for a while.

Lighter

[Certain Hope]

Hi all,

The one thing I think might be an illusion is the word.......safe.

Where in this world......in this cyber web world.......can there possibly be a safe place?

Seriously.

As far as I can see, just about anything can happen ......if one is pc literate enough.  So, I think this is not a safe place....no safer than any other place.  How can it be?  It is a place to communicate and some will be kind and try to help, others will glean what they can by reading, others will try to disrupt and  still others will down right dramatize extensively.  Some will even come here to do cyber damage/troll/whatever ya wanna callit.  What can be done? 

I don't expect Dr. G to do it all......fix it.......make it a totally safe place.  That's impossible, isn't it? 

Also.......something few wish to face.......


The abused..... abuse.

 

Not nice but sometimes true.  Maybe more often than we want to admit.






Dear Dr. G,

Thankyou for taking the time and putting in the effort into keeping this board up and running.  I do not expect you to be able to keep it free of idiot/trouble making/dingdongs any more than I expect the whole web to be free of them.  As far as I know that is not possible.  Thankyou for doing your best.

Also, I do not expect you to be perfect or to always speak perfectly or to always judge perfectly or to make perfect decisions all of the time.  I don't think you are God.

Also, your patience is exceptional.

Best to you,
Sela

Sela,  I agree... with every bit of it!            Wish I'd thunk of it!           But that's why I appreciate you so much.... your unique perspective and voice.
I tend to get bogged... and tired of clambering... etc... etc...   
It is so good to read you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

Love and hugs,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

Somewhere in the back of my mind I try to read Dr. G's mind. It is hard because there is little info for me to go on except his articles and occasional posting.

If I had to imagine what Dr. G thinks of all of the board conflict it would be to first consider that he is a trained therapist with years of experience. My guess would be that he can see much that we do not see as well as he is used to the board conflict from years previous. I have looked back on the history of the board to see much conflict and much of it similar in dynamics, if not the same as now.

I imagine that Dr. G has a heart for all. I imagine that he see our wounds, he sees our struggle, fears, and pains to find our authentic voice. He sees how we all respond to life because of our past wounds. Sometimes those responses are not the best, more mature responses, but at least some of us are not pretending anymore. Those who are still pretending are just simply wounded, hurting and silently screaming. I imagine that Dr. G has compassion for all.

Through this board we have an opportunity to find our authentic voice/self through the practice of using it, if we choose to.

As adults, to speak our real voice shows us that that sometimes speaking that authentic voice has consequences. In my childhood I did not get the chance to be free to speak my authentic voice. I did not get the chance to learn that expressing raw hatred was not effective. Or that lashing out in anger was not the way to go. Because of this board, I learned that my angry voice is OK and that now that I am free to have a voice, I am also free to choose. Not all of us are there yet, some are at different stages in our journey and healing in search of the real self. I'm learning through others here on the board that very lesson; I see opportunities to practice patience, love, tolerance and acceptance for all --  This does not mean that I have to like you, or everyone here.

I'm learning through the conflict on the board that I have deficits in love. I cannot fix what I do not know to be broken. So when the board goes broken, it is an opportunity to see what is broken in me.

As a child, my voice was squished by silent shame and covert aggression. I was not free to express my hatred, my anger, my hurt, my sadness, my pain, my anguish at the wrongs done in my life.

The fact of the matter is that this is a board about survivors of emotional abuse. Which for me means that we are all a bit short on the love area, otherwise we would not be fighting so much.

I imagine that Dr. G gets that. That he sees our wounds, it is his specialty to identify the ways that we protect ourselves from love and from the  pain that we run from in our hearts -- The pain, that if we were embrace, would set us free.

Lise

[seasons]

Thoughtful thread Hops, thank you.


Sela, wonderful post. Lovely to hear your voice.

Dr. Grossman thank you.

kindly seasons