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Author Topic: Hops  (Read 1707 times)

CB123

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Hops
« on: June 18, 2008, 09:12:31 AM »
Maybe that would reduce "rallying" and mindless "I'm on HER side, no I'm on HER side" kinds of chiming in?

Hi Hopsy,

I took this off the Healthy Community thread--but still wanted to address it.  It may belong on the thread, but I wasnt sure.  Your comment above highlighted a BIG tension on the board.  I have felt it both as the person being picked on and the person standing by.

When conflicts like this happen on the board, I think everyone immediately goes into a double-bind, and it has to do with how we want to see ourselves and how we want others to see us.  A lot of the hurt that we have felt in the past has been at the hands of onlookers to our abuse who said nothing, did nothing.  We spend a lot of time talking about these onlookers and some of our greatest contempt is reserved for them--and we sure don't want to be one of them.

We also dont want to be ambulance-chasers--someone who steps into a conflict just to get a better look.  Worse, we don't want anything we say to fan the flames of something that is essentially between two or three people. 

It's always a judgment call when something happens right in front of you, how to respond.  And I don't really know what is the right answer.  But I do think that we lose members over it--both people who are unfairly flamed and receive no response from the community and ALSO community members who dont know which side to fall on (being a non-participating onlooker or risking further inflammation).  I think a lot of members drop at that point because they don't like either option and what choosing either option will make them feel about WHO THEY ARE.

That's my take on it. 

At any rate, I think I was the "chimer-in-er" on this one.   :(

Love you, Hopsy.  I'll try to figure out a more graceful way to do it next time...

CB
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When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

lighter

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Re: Hops
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2008, 09:40:52 AM »
I'd pick up the torch of communcation......

if it didn't make me feel like I was chiming in.  :shock:


CB..... are you saying that we might as well remain voiceless in similar situations, bc the alternative isn't any better?

Trying to understand what you're saying here.

Do you think you did it imperfectly, and therefore shouldn't have done it at all?

Lighter
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CB123

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Re: Hops
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2008, 10:12:19 AM »
Hi Lighter,

No, I don't wish I hadnt chimed in--I wish I could figure out a way to do it more gracefully.  I feel good about myself when I follow the rules.  I feel bad when I don't.  I knew that Hopsy's thread was for a specific purpose and I made my comment in Amber's behalf anyway.  Hops is so right to set up a safe space for this discussion and I hated violating that.

What I was trying to express was the angst that I go through--and probably many others do too--when two opposing values crash into each other.  I want to stay on the sidelines and let people duke it out because that's what I believe in.  But I also feel this uneasy sick feeling when someone says something like "you nauseate me" (correct quote:)"PR -- Most of the times that you have posted to me on the board I feel nauseated when I read your posts." (Sorry, Lise.)
 , and I say nothing.  There are so many ways of expressing oneself, but to express that you are nauseated when someone talks to you seems so hurtful.  Standing by and saying nothing feels like I am part of perpetuating that hurt.

I am looking for a more graceful way of resolving this tension and I feel badly that I hijacked Hops' thread before I figured it out. 

Love
CB

PS:  PLEASE correct me when I make an error like the one above (anybody
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 11:22:07 AM by CB123 »
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When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

lighter

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Re: Hops
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2008, 10:19:59 AM »
Oh... sorry.

Didn't understand what you were referring to, CB.

::taking leave of thread::

I'm having a hard time keeping up.

Lighter
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CB123

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Re: Hops
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2008, 11:22:46 AM »
Me, too, Lighter--and I'm about ready to throw in the towel.

CB
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When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Leah

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Re: Hops
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2008, 11:24:40 AM »


((( CB )))

I have well and truly thrown in the towel.

and

" walked away from the table "


The good outcome is discernment, validated, which I may now walk with.


Best wishes,

Leah x
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 11:27:56 AM by LeahsRainbow »
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lighter

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Re: Hops
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2008, 11:25:13 AM »
Sadly..... I'm not sure that there's any reasonable alternatives, at this point.

Lighter

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Sela

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Re: Hops
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2008, 11:48:20 AM »
(((((((((CB)))))))))

It takes courage to speak out like that.  It's good to learn to trust one's instincts and yours told you what to do.  You listened.  It's always a risk (therefore takes guts to do).

I would rather ......a zillion times......see someone like you saying what you did .....step in...speak out.
It is an example to the rest of us of how to follow one's instincts and use courage . It's what is right.

Sela

PS:  So many times I've been too chicken or lazy or selfish to bother or felt unsure.  You are an inspiration CB!
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Hopalong

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Re: Hops
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2008, 12:11:55 PM »
Oh pooh, CB, please don't worry about my precious thread over there.

I may continue to pipe up and indulge my Queen of This Thread fantasies or try to steer things on course now and then, but I am not emotionally upset when it goes off track a bit.

I think a whole lot of good stuff happens when threads are free to roam, and it's only the mildest wish to course-correct because of the general topic that I'm expressing.

I think this post of yours would be an ideal contribution to the Healthy Community discussion, and I hope you'll move it there!

(Generally, hope you know that I have a general feeling of "You couldn't possilby ever hijack a thread I start because everything's welcome." That's still true. I'm only working at it a bit on that thread because it's for the community.)

Anyhow, everybody's doing great and everybody's been really nice when I stick my nose in.

love,
Hops
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Hops
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2008, 03:31:22 PM »
CB - just wanted to say thank you for caring...

It was a while before I even recognized I was hurt.
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