Thanks to each of you for such very warm replies.
I have on occasion popped by to see how folk are doing but my identity as Rosencrantz had become a burden and I had no desire to come back as R - she was too healthy! She took the burden of rationality and sanity for the whole forum when deep down she did not have the emotional and mental capacity/strength to handle it. Not that I realised that's what I was doing at the time, nor was it my intention.
But once that thought (unbidden) entered my head, I realised how obviously it was really a description of my childhood. How could I (then, as a child) have had the emotional and mental capacity/strength to handle the lack of rationality around me - and no wonder my parents fell apart when I left home. There was no-one to take my place and stand strong and calm and sane any more. And they punished me for moving on, becoming independent, thinking for myself.
It's a pattern I've been repeating all my life. Willingly sinking under huge burdens I have neither knowledge nor capacity to handle - but somehow finding knowledge and capacity from somewhere. Produced out of nowhere, like a rabbit from a hat. Standing strong in order to take the punishment being handed out - the sarcasm, the spitefulness, the rage - when, underneath, all I really felt was fear, anguish, inadequacy and dread.
Well, I realise I no longer have to grapple with such burdens - the responsibility is not mine. So here I am, sitting calmly on the sidelines. Waving and sending warm thoughts in return for yours.
Hope that's cool with you.
R/S
