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The shaming tactic fails to work on me

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flower:
Hi ch,


--- Quote ---My Nmother tried to embarrass me again by telling the waiter how it was a first time and a once-in-a-lifetime event for me to treat her to a meal on Mother's Day. I couldn't believe what a pathological liar she was. It was heart-sickening to pay that bill and to condone her behavior. I had since regretted it so much. I also resented my father for sitting there and letting it happen. No defense. No truth-seeking. No fairness. No caring. :X

--- End quote ---


Arrrrg !  :x Your mom is something else!

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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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tigerlily:
I've got a good one for you.  You know how kids ask for things when they go shopping.  That's just the way kids are.  Well, one day when I was about 10 years old my mother and I were in a store and she saw a bracelet and earring set she liked (costume jewelry).  So she says to me "See, I would just love to have this, but I don't buy everything I see like you would like to do."  I guess that was supposed to be a great lesson.  Later that day I was at my dad's boss's house- his wife was a wonderful woman who just loved kids, so, naturally I was drawn to her.  She asked me if I would like to make some money by doing some chores around the house, and, of course, I would have killed for her.  So I did them and she gave me two dollars.  She said I could come next week again if I wanted to make more money. Then I had a thought.  I told her I was saving to buy my mother some jewelry and could I come back next week for the work but get an advance so I could buy the jewelry before it was gone.  She thought it was very sweet that I wanted to do that, so she wholeheartedly agreed and gave me the money.  Well, I hopped on my bike with the four dollars, rode three miles into town and tried to buy it.  I was so young I didn't know there was a tax, so I had to ride the 3 miles back home, get a dime from my piggy bank and ride back into town with the extra money. I finally bought the jewelry, took it home, wrapped it up and eagerly waited until my mother got home so I could surprise her.   When she opened it and found out how I got the money she went through the roof.  She screamed at me and told me I could cost my father his job (which is so ridiculous, even at that age I knew better than that).  She drove right back into town to the store with me and marched me up to the lady I had made the purchase from.  She told the lady she had to return the jewelry because I had bought it with money that didn't belong to me.  In other words, she made it appear that I had stolen the money.  I was so humiliated I couldn't believe it.  I will never forget that day.

Ellie:
Tigerlily,
That was a heart breaking story. But I can see the entire situation play out. I have been in similar situations. Nparents always told us how poor we were (we weren't really, they are frugal) but they refused to let anyone do anything for us. They could accept things from others, but us kids never could. And as a child, you don't understand what the fuss is about, you just know for some reason you are not good enough to be in the same role as your parent - feeling liked enough to get things from others. Everytime I got a gift from a friend, my mother made me give it back. She said the friend probably stole it or something because kids didn't have money to buy stuff with. Needless to say, when my daughter comes home with a special gift from a friend, I used to react with this kind of behavior asking who gave it to you, why, when, what for.... giving her teh third degree also.

Now I just say how wonderful it is to have good friends like that. My daughter is always giving her friends things too, sometimes too many or her clothes much to my dismay. But she's a giving person. And I learn so much good behavior from my kids. I have such a hard time trying to determine the best course of action in some situations because of the way my parents raised me - but I have learned that children are innocent and usually do not have alterior motives behind their actions. If you watch a kid, you can learn the innocense of some actions that we learned were supposed to be 'Bad'.

The other thing my kids are teaching me is how to let go of bad feelings. If you watch a child get their feelings hurt, or get punished, or not get their way, they usually are over it within 15 minutes. My Nparents were the type to hold on to bad feelings and stuff forever! When we got grounded it was for 1 month - bacause it took them that much time to get it out of 'their' system. They would remind us everyday of things that happened years prior, just to keep telling us how bad we were.  I started out like that as a mother. H brought it to my attention. I started watching my kids and saw they got over things really fast. In fact, I would assume they would stay mad at me for a long time - but they were over it in a matter of minutes, sometimes it took an hour. I am learning that if they are the hurting party and can let it go, why should I remember it? It gets funny now because I will tell H after our work day that I had trouble with one of them early that morning and he asks what happened - my response: "I don't remember". It feels good to really not remember because I know I am starting to let go!

Discounted Girl:
thoughtful posts on this thread -- I am moved. Yes, the innocence of a child, oh how precious and sweet, it makes me want to cry from the sweet goodness of their little souls. To break that new-found spirit and wish them harm should be against the law -- I imagine punishment will come after it's all said and done. How could you possibly be mean to a little kid?? It just boggles my mind.

I remember a Christmas when I was very young, maybe 6 at the most. I don't know why I did this, but I remember it well. I had some coins that I guess my grandpa had given me or birthday money, something -- it was probably about $1 made up of nickles, dimes and pennies. Well, I was in the Christmas spirit but I didn't have any gifts to give and no boxes under the tree were from me. So, I wanted to have a box under the tree from me to my mother. Well, she had a drawer with little boxes and wrapping paper and tape, etc., so I got in there and got out a tiny little box and put my coins in it, and got out some wrapping paper, but I didn't have any scissors. I asked her if I could use her scissors -- instead of questioning why a 6 year old wants scissors, she just hollered and told me where they were. So, I wrapped the box and I remember the tape was stuck all over in a mess and I put it under the tree. She saw me and picked it up and shook it (even her IQ could tell it was coins) and started yelling at me to quit wasting paper, that nobody wanted a box of pennies and to quit causing trouble.

I have never forgotten that incident. She was not even 30 years old yet and had not a sweet bone in her body. I have seen her slobber and fall all over gifts from others, but not from me. A few years ago I bought myself and her twin cashmere sweater sets. I never saw her wear her's, but when she saw me wear mine she said, "Oh, I forgot about that, I should get mine out, that looks nice."

Ellie:
AHA! Wasting wrapping paper..... :oops:

Ndad made me LEARN to wrap gifts the PERFECT way, sos not to watse pater. He yelled at me if every line not perfectly lined up and the tape was not just 1/2 inch long and on in a perfectly straight line. And he would check to make sure the box had no give in the paper at all - there could be no looseness anywhere!

After I moved out and visited for holidays I brought presents I meticulously wrapped under the memory of the wrapping lessons. My Ndad inspected every package I brought in the house. But he didn't care about anyone else's warpping - only made my life hell!!!

Bet ya can't guess how happy I was when the  gift bags came out!!!!! YIPPPEEEEE! Life simplified all in a moment of time by the invention of the gift bag!
 :twisted:

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