Help me see clearly/give me a spine...

[Overcomer]

Ok, I am running around in circles in my mind and I just need people to kick me in the butt.

For years (literally) I have been trying to get away from working with my mom.  We have huge blow ups.  We try to run the store in two different ways.  She has backed way off to try to give me space (after the bipolar reference and I told her I was OUT OF THERE!!!) but she won't go away and so the store is running on auto pilot.  Plus I go in at 10 and leave at 2.  Go home and lay around in the pool.  It  has been a good summer.

The job at Border's fell through.  They hired the sales manager as GM and then decided not to fill the sales manager posiiton (the one they were talking to me about.)  So now I have an opportunity at a new store in our mall.  I was on vacation when the DM interviewed all the candidates.  I will have a phone interview.  The recruiter LOVED me and is highly recommending me to the DM.  BUT she said the pay was quite a bit less than I am making now.  The hours would be 40 per week which is pretty good for restaurant and retail.......

They put me on Cymbalta and I am pretty good with life in general.  My mom and I didn't have one fight while on vacation in New York.

So I am scared.  I am afraid if I get this job in the mall I will hate myself.  But on the other hand, I am free of my mom.  And maybe, just maybe, she will realize she cannot do it and retire and then I can go back.  Or I can keep looking for other jobs while I am working there.  Or I can work on my Vision For Life business and hope it booms so I can retire......

Wjy am I afraid.  I want out so much.  This new store would fly me to NYC for training......FUN!!! 

I think my self esteem would be better.

Why am I second guessing myself.  I may not get the job anyway.  Maybe I am scared because it will happen really fast.  Like, in two weeks the new store opens.....

Help!!  Advise!!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 I feel that events will open and close,for you, in the outside world . This is my intuitive feeling. You will know what to do as time unfolds, but you cannot see the way now, as clearly as you would like. You are frustrated b/c you want an answer,now and it is unclear which way to go.
 This is gonna sound really opposite many people's advice,but I feel that the job you described is not right for you, right now(the one with the NYC training). It is just an intuitive feeling based on my gut. I could be wrong.
 I think that events will open and close ,for you, in the near future in a way that will seem to be right for you.                         Blessings, Kelly    Ami

[dandylife]

Overcomer,

Something that helped me immensely when I was struggling to figure out "what to do..." is that I blocked out the parts of life that were making my struggle worse.

For you - your mom - the job you share with her, your alcoholic husband.

Take them completely out of the picture.

What would you do if those options weren't there at all?

That's when you'd have to be forced to look at your own needs and desires. What do you need to accomplish to support yourself and your child(ren)? Once you have that down, then....what would you LIKE to be doing with your time? What would you enjoy doing? Is there something you enjoy so much you'd like to do it for a living? Do you have the skills? If not, how could you get them?

You don't have to change your life in one fell swoop.

One foot in front of the other.....

(((Overcomer)))

Dandylife

[ann3]

Hi Kelly,

 I am afraid if I get this job in the mall I will hate myself. 
Why would you hate yourself?  I think that if you get to the bottom of Why would you hate yourself, then you will have many answers.

And maybe, just maybe, she will realize she cannot do it and retire and then I can go back. 
IMO, do not count on this.  IMI, this kinda sounds like fantasy.  Great if it happens, but don't count on it.

Or I can keep looking for other jobs while I am working there.
That's always a possibility, but, keep in mind that the economy is not in great shape.

Or I can work on my Vision For Life business and hope it booms so I can retire......
Also a possibility, but do you earn money from this?

Also, how much of a pay cut is involved and can you live with the pay cut?

love,
ann

[Overcomer]

I have a great deal of flexibility now but I HATE working with my mom.  My fear is that I will be trapped in a mall job in this economy will be boring during the week.  But I think I will feel good about myself because I will be in charge.  I would be selling designer sun glasses.  I am afraid of change.  I bailed once and it was awful so I am skiddish.  The pay is like $15k lessperyear.

[gratitude28]

Kelly,
To be perfectly honest, I think you make plans to do other things - get a job, get away, etc., but your ultimate goal is and has always been to have your mother love and respect you and treat you as an equal at her store. Kelly, until you truly understand that this will NEVER happen, you will never be free. Your entire life revolves around your mother, so you are completely tethered. Even your weight loss is a way to prove something where she is concerned.
Kelly,
Can you find a way to really separate what you want from what you want regarding your mother??????? REALLY think about it. Otherwise you will still be here going back and forth as you are now in ten years.
((((((((((((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[ann3]

Kelly,

How about sitting down for an hour or two and weigh the pros & cons:  less pay, sunglasses, hours, mall, no mom, etc and see if it looks right to you and listen to your gut.

love,
ann

[Overcomer]

Good advice.  Beth I think I have given up on the love and approval of my mom.  I know she will never approve of me.  Maybe that is why I want to not work with her.  I will always know I am better than she is but she holds all the cards.  That is why I have wanted to move on.  I want the perfect job and have not found it.  But I think in the long run I will feel good about myself when I can live my life NOT worrying about her having the final say in my life.

[dandylife]

Overcomer,

You are giving yourself the best advice. "...give me a spine....she holds all the cards...her having the final say in my life."

The thing is:

You have a very strong spine!

You loaded your emails with options - you have all the cards!

Who has the final say in your life?

A mother is just a mother. At some point her words become advice. (18)

A boss is just a boss. At some point, when you don't agree, you can FIRE the boss!

You really do hold all the cards, Kelly.

Dandylife

[Overcomer]

Thanks Dandy!  You are right.  I hold the cards and I reap the benefits or suffer the consequences of any decision I make.  Someone told me it was too bad my mom paid me so much and let me come and go as I please because in essence she trapped me because I will never find another job like that so it is hard to leave.  BUT it is crazy making while I am there.  A Catch 22 If you will.

[dandylife]

I don't know what it is about N's and money. Power? My BPD partner does this alot when he gets angry/disappointed. He will say something about his will and all the money he's leaving to "ungrateful" people - or whatever.

This is pure manipulation.

The last time he said that, I said, "I'll die way before you, and you will inherit 250K from my life insurance. End of story."

Our minds and brains are programmed to find and take the path of least resistance. But it doesn't have to. You can choose differently. It is a struggle to recognize sometimes when it's happening and how to break free.

(((Kelly)))

Dandylife

[Overcomer]

I just now had a thought.  I do not have to do only one thing.  I AM doing my Vision For Life business and I have made about $500 per month.  As it grows I will make more.  So even if I take the job at the mall and take a cut in pay, I can supplement my income with my V4L.  I will meet a lot of new people.  My weight loss will be aided in the fact that I won't have my own coffee shop with cookies and soup and anything I want at my finger tips at all times.  I will be the store manager meaning I will be in charge.  I am great at sales.  I have always wanted to get into fashion more but have felt too heavy to do it.  As my self esteem rises, I am sure to lose some weight.  On my break I can shop and get some new clothes.  Meanwhile I will walk with a pep in my step because I have successfully freed myself from my mom.  Also, even though the pay is less, there is a bonus structure which will allow me to add to my income..............substantially!!  I can see myself in a pair of Jimmy Choo sunglasses standing outside my store..............when some girls walk by I could say......"hey have you seen these glasses in this month's Vogue?"  I could let down my hair and be the fun and crazy woman I am.  I would not have to worry about drinking a cosmopolitan for fear someone might say, "hey, isn't that the lady from the Christian store?"  Knowing that half our clientele are narrow minded judgemental people.

[dandylife]

That sounds great!

(I'll have what she's having......)   

I'll take 3 pairs of sunglasses in red, please....

Dandylife

[flowerpower]

I just now had a thought.  I do not have to do only one thing.  I AM doing my Vision For Life business and I have made about $500 per month.  As it grows I will make more.  So even if I take the job at the mall and take a cut in pay, I can supplement my income with my V4L.  I will meet a lot of new people.  My weight loss will be aided in the fact that I won't have my own coffee shop with cookies and soup and anything I want at my finger tips at all times.  I will be the store manager meaning I will be in charge.  I am great at sales.  I have always wanted to get into fashion more but have felt too heavy to do it.  As my self esteem rises, I am sure to lose some weight.  On my break I can shop and get some new clothes.  Meanwhile I will walk with a pep in my step because I have successfully freed myself from my mom.  Also, even though the pay is less, there is a bonus structure which will allow me to add to my income..............substantially!!  I can see myself in a pair of Jimmy Choo sunglasses standing outside my store..............when some girls walk by I could say......"hey have you seen these glasses in this month's Vogue?"  I could let down my hair and be the fun and crazy woman I am.  I would not have to worry about drinking a cosmopolitan for fear someone might say, "hey, isn't that the lady from the Christian store?"  Knowing that half our clientele are narrow minded judgemental people.

This sounds very positive! Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Overcomer]

It was almost as if a light bulb went off.  I read the article Leah posted and it shed some light on my indecision.  The key to it all is to free myself from my mom.  Yes, I may have to work more and initially it will seem like a lot.  I will have to do some planning to get my daughter from point a to point be.........but I can work all that out....my h might have to step up.............