Thanks again, everyone, for your good wishes. Right now you are my most immediate community, and you are all so helpful and understanding and caring.
Service
Everything was fine with my cousin's service, if you can say that about a funeral. Nearly all my cousins were there (two live far away) and it was really good to see them. We really are more like siblings or friends than cousins. I can't say that they are open emotionally -- it would be hard to talk as we do here or with my friends -- but we're always there for each other, especially at times like this. We have a real bond, and that is very nice. We have a lot of fun together.
Once again, though, it was extremely hard for me to be in church. It just is, these days. I thought being far away and in a different denomination and purpose would alleviate much of it, but it didn't. The pastor used a scripture that happened to be the text to an anthem we had sung last year; it is a beautiful musical setting, and singing with the N pastor is one of my very fondest memories; possibly the fondest, not sure. So it was REALLY hard to hear that. I had never heard the text before, and now I seem to encounter it regularly. I always ache when I hear it; I hear the anthem and it brings me to tears.
And I felt very detached, disassociated, as I do in church these days. I used to feel such joy when I sang, whether a hymn or an anthem (even prior to the N experience). These days I have to just put on my professional musician cap and "perform" my way through them. It's a totally different musical and spiritual experience.
Ugh. A pastor is definitely not supposed to have that effect on you.
There was a lunch afterwards, and everything lightened up, as I knew it would. We cousins just sit around and have fun. Interesting turn of conversation: my one cousin started a conversation in which she said she didn't keep a journal because she figured she wouldn't like what she read years later, and that she didn't want a record of her innermost thoughts and feelings lying around. This is exactly why I don't keep one, when I would really like to.
My cousin's older brother (also my cousin and the oldest of us all) and I were the last to leave the building. He's just a great guy, and he said that being with his cousins was his therapy. I told him we all knew that, and loved him. It was really a nice, honest moment.
Told my brother-in-law off
Not surprisingly, my BIL was a jerk. Not that day, but the next. Not sure if it was that evening or the next morning -- I think that evening -- he and I were alone in the living room at my dad's house. He started in -- you two need a plan. When are you going to sell this house? Do you want to pay heating bills for another winter? yadayadayada. I give him a grunt or something at the first comment or so; but then I finally just yelled at him "Why are you even bringing this up?" It shut him up. I wish I had had the presence of mind to add "because it's none of your business."
The next morning he started in with similar comments when my sister was in the room with us, except that he was worse and more adamant, etc. I controlled my tongue for a moment, but she just shot back at him that it was hard when you live x miles away and can only come up on weekends, then got up and walked out of the room, back up to the attic where we were working. I did the same. I thought it was a definite statement that the two of us got up and walked away.
Then in the early afternoon they decided to go out for lunch. I tried to explain that almost everything shuts down on the 4th up there; that dad had tried to find someplace "fun" to go and everything was always closed.
He jumped right back at me -- "Where's fun up here? You tell me where's there's a fun place to eat." Maybe another comment or two along those lines.
At first I tried to explain to him that they were fun to dad, maybe they weren't everyone's cup of tea.
But then he just kept at it, so after about three more sentences I just yelled at him, "BACK OFF!!" He said he wasn't trying to be rude, that he would ask that of their friends that they go out with up there.
Maybe he wasn't trying, but he sure was!!
My only mistake was that several minutes later when we were outside in the yard, alone, and I was getting ready to leave (they were driving to lunch in their car) I went over and apologized to him. And I was so upset at having gotten angry, and feeling so lousy these days anyway, that I was quite tearful. I thought a little honesty would help, so I tried to say that it wasn't him, that someone had really f___ me over and I wasn't myself these days -- but I couldn't spit it out, quite. I was a mess in front of him -- and he just started at me, blankly. I'm sure he thinks I'm just nuts. This is a man who has totally no emotional realm at all. He's a bully and arrogant and highly judgemental of everyone and everything that isn't related to him by blood. (Except my sister.)
So, THAT was unpleasant. I was really unnerved by getting angry at him. I could barely get myself back together again; it was hard to go to lunch with them. (I don't think my sister heard the apology part. She would have heard the "back off.")
I was really, really upset at all this. He deserved it, but it is so hard for me to get angry and tell people off. And, the guy just pushes all the "Dad" buttons. My sister definitely married my father, without any of his good points! At least my dad had a heart and was good to other people. Not this one! I doubt he's ever done anything nice for a non-relative in his life, unless it would get him somewhere.
Saw the pastoral counselor
Went Saturday morning to see the pastoral counselor. She is really a therapist -- that's how she approaches things -- and I liked her. We had some business to take care of, the usual, and of course she had a few questions about my background. I started to tell her the N story but we didn't have a whole heck of a lot of time, and I was quite chatty. Gave her a lot of church background (even on the pastor prior to this). Wish I had been more "conceptual."
She asked how she could help me, and I said I really sought her ought for help with the spiritual end of things, not so much the psychological. But I think it's great that she has both perspectives, I really do. I think she's probably a good therapist. She just said some things that I liked. She said I was doing the right thing by being in group all these years, that it was very important to have community like that when you suffer from depression. She was impressed by my "roots" in both this and church.
It's nice to have someone who really understands and comes from the church thing, too.
Don't know how long I can see her, she's really expensive -- $150 a visit. My insurance will pay half (I'm hoping!) but that's still too much money. She contracts with new clients for 4 visits, then they/we decide whether to continue. That sounded good to me; I thought it would probably take 3-4 visits before I met her to clear up the spiritual mess; I'd like to continue on a therapeutic basis but probably won't be able to. Liked her, though!
We didn't get into it enough for me to get any spiritual insight. I think I'm going to take a different tact next week and give her the "big picture" first -- what he did.
Guilt
The rest of my weekend was not good. I am really in solid despair these days. I wouldn't even call it depression. It's despair, and fear, and hurt, and confusion.
Something else is going on, and it lead me to realize that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over the N thing. I think deep down I still believe he's right. I don't think I mentioned this, but in the meeting following his first set of charges (which were less formally handled) I was asked to sign a letter acknowledging that I had sent this one email (saying how I found him attractive, but it was SOOOOOOOOOO innocent. I only talked in terms of men wearing oxford cloth shirts, and how I found it attractive when he wore one; and I was trying to boost his ego, anyway, not harass him) and promising not to do anything like that again, basically. Essentially I was threatened with the loss of my choir and church membership if I failed to sign it. I had not expected this when I agreed to come to the meeting; I thought it was just going to be a verbal promise in front of the others. I had no idea I was going to be made to sign something. It has been a horrible thing to deal with; i was always afraid afterward that he would whip it out and threaten to use it against me whenever he wished; I was terrified of him for a long time. That's one of the reasons I was never alone with him. That letter gave him complete control over me. It was horrifying.
To get back to the guilt -- at some point last fall my therapist said he finally understood why I had signed that letter, because I felt guilty. I had no sense of this at the time and still didn't until last week. Now I know how guilty I feel. Oh geez. It is very, very deep. I have been seeking ways to officially pronounce myself guilty ever since. This is not good. I'm in serious trouble.
This is what this man has set in motion. I just get deeper and deeper and deeper into bad "stuff" (feelings) because of my experience with him.
I'm at this very bad and confusing place, where I feel I've made a big mistake with my therapy, I don't know what's true anymore or whom to trust; I feel like my whole life has been a waste; I don't feel competent to deal with it or change it.
And, part of it is this whole conundrum of that, in trying to change, I also feel so unworthy -- as if I'm not good enough in and of myself. I'm including this because it was a comment someone made to me on another board (she was saying that the N was trying to "steal my truth away from me," that I am enough and always was enough, regardless of how my parents or the N treated me.)
...I had some interruptions while I was writing this last part, so I feel sort of detached from it, and like it was pretty cerebral.
Don't know how to end this, so I just am.
Oh, and top it all off, I think I have to keep Fester inside now. My neighbor said something to me last night (she said she wasn't/hadn't complained, and that he didn't bother her, but you know how those things go. Although she certainly lets the dog people have a piece of her mind with no problem.) It was one of the few things that's been giving me pleasure (to say nothing of him!) -- seeing him enjoying himself, lying outside on my step sunning himself.
Oh -- and I dropped my window air conditioner out the second floor window by mistake. I was trying to take it out of the window and it fell! Highly embarrassing, although I don't think anyone saw it. Not too worried about the unit. It was cheap. Not a great loss. My central air is working now so I don't need it.
Yawn! Long post. Thanks for hanging in there.