Do you have to love yourself well before you can love someone else well?

[Ami]

I would like to hear people's comments on this question. The  detail about how it played out in your life would be appreciated,if you care to. If not, all comments would be appreciated. Thank you, Ami

[dandylife]

Depends on your definition of "love".

We can sometimes intend to be loving someone, while all the while smothering them by their definition.

Sometimes the wisest people in love are those who've been hurt the most.

much depends.

Dandylife

[teartracks]

Hi Ami,

I think your question calls for a yes or no answer.  So I say no.

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Ami - one of the most useful ways of looking at this (for me) is from the child-parent perspective.

I am a child and a mother & grandmother. So I can look at how at different times in my life, where I haven't loved myself well, I have negatively impacted my children. Both in our relationships and by setting a bad example.

I can see back through time - to how my mother impacted me and how my substitute mothers gave me other input - and I can compare. I can see the intergenerational issues - and also how they get passed on - or NOT.

You can best answer this question for yourself by using your own experience. But my two cents, is that you simply can't love anyone well - be sensitive to their needs and boundaries while respecting your own - if you don't love yourself in a healthy fashion first. If you don't recognize your own boundaries - how can you be aware of anyone else's? If you don't respect your own feelings, how can you be aware that someone else might feel differently?

[Ami]

Thanks Dandy, TT and Amber. I appreciate your responses very much.                                                  Ami
 

[LilyCat]

I hope not ... cause I'll be a long time in getting there, then ... but yes, truly loving yourself would appear to enhance the quality of your relationships and your contribution to them. I think it has to do with what you bring to the relationship.

And I suppose, if you love yourself then you large have stopped looking for loving parents or ideal parents and many of the other things that we all do ... and which cause conflict in a relationship or boost the odds that we choose an unhealthy partner.

But I guess I'm curious -- do you feel you love well, Ami? And do you feel you love yourself?  Guess I'm just curious about what might have prompted your question. Sounds like there's something there for you.

xoxo,

LC

[Leah]

Gosh, Ami

I have been doing quite a bit of pondering regarding your question.

I think, that if I did not 'love myself' -- then I would most likely be drawn to someone else who did not 'love himself' - perhaps?

Another scenario, again, if I did not 'love myself' then there would be an imbalance in a relationship with someone who did 'love himself' - he most likely would not wish to commit - perhaps?

Interesting, poignant question.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you ,Leah and Lily,
 For me, I met s/one who is everything*I* ever dreamed of in a man,once in a lifetime . I never had it before and don't think I will have it ,again. I know *I* need to be good inside myself vs. wanting s/one to "make" me OK.So, I am trying to make myself as good as I can be.That is what prompted my question, Lily.
             Love   Ami


PS  I guess I should use the word 'healthy" instead of good .Old habits die hard(LOL)

[sea storm]

I thing loving yourself means loving yourself as you are. This doesnt mean going on a big self improvement thing.  Loving yourself implies knowing yourself.  Not is just a lighthearted way but in a way that looks at both your beauty and your dark side.  And not being a chicken about that.  That is guaranteed to be messy, I think.

So then once you get a bit of self knowledge and listen to feedback from peole who are  genuinely close to you, one needs to have compassion and humility for the flaws that are there. They are probably pretty irradicable. Knowing what they are and acting in a conscious way to minimize the damage caused to others is a good step.

I believe that love is very deep and doesn't come along often. Maybe once or twice in a lifetime.  Spouse love. The other love like for god is always available and love of friends is available a few times. Love of ones children, to me, is a choice for life. I am going to love that kid no matter what.  Hopefully, my unconditional love will be a guiding star for her.

Sea

[Leah]

Thoughts re: "Love Yourself"

Love as described in the Bible is quite different from love as espoused by the world. Biblical love is selfless and unconditional, whereas the world's love is characterized by selfishness and limited. In the above passages it is readily seen that love does not exist apart from God, and that true love can only be experienced by one who has experienced God's own love first-hand.

The statement, "love your neighbor as yourself" is not a command to "love yourself." It is natural and normal to love yourself. The fact that the vast majority of people in the world care for their own needs is testament to the fact that "love for self" is not lacking. The statement, "love your neighbor as yourself" is essentially saying, "treat other people as good as you treat yourself." The idea of "loving yourself" as a command of Scripture is not accurate. The Bible presumes that people are already loving themselves too much - that is the problem. We are to take our eyes off of ourselves and care for others. At the same time, self-hate is equally unbiblical. The Bible nowhere instructs us to hate ourselves.

We love ourselves based on God's abiding love for us, and in response to this love we share it with all whom we come in contact with—our "neighbors."


Last night, and this morning, I pondered much on the subject of "loving yourself" - and so, I have read much, as per the above excerpt

from http://www.gotquestions.org/self-love.html   which validates my perception and understanding (as in my own personal worldview).

Love, Leah





Unpacking the meaning of the verse yields the following expanded translation: “You shall love your neighbor as you already do love yourself.” Thus, self-love is assumed in this text, not commanded.

[Ami]

I thing loving yourself means loving yourself as you are. This doesnt mean going on a big self improvement thing.  Loving yourself implies knowing yourself.  Not is just a lighthearted way but in a way that looks at both your beauty and your dark side.  And not being a chicken about that.  That is guaranteed to be messy, I think.



Dear Sea,
 That is very profound. Thank you                 Ami

[Ami]

Thoughts re: "Love Yourself"

Love as described in the Bible is quite different from love as espoused by the world. Biblical love is selfless and unconditional, whereas the world's love is characterized by selfishness and limited. In the above passages it is readily seen that love does not exist apart from God, and that true love can only be experienced by one who has experienced God's own love first-hand.

The statement, "love your neighbor as yourself" is not a command to "love yourself." It is natural and normal to love yourself. The fact that the vast majority of people in the world care for their own needs is testament to the fact that "love for self" is not lacking. The statement, "love your neighbor as yourself" is essentially saying, "treat other people as good as you treat yourself." The idea of "loving yourself" as a command of Scripture is not accurate. The Bible presumes that people are already loving themselves too much - that is the problem. We are to take our eyes off of ourselves and care for others. At the same time, self-hate is equally unbiblical. The Bible nowhere instructs us to hate ourselves.

We love ourselves based on God's abiding love for us, and in response to this love we share it with all whom we come in contact with—our "neighbors."


Last night, and this morning, I pondered much on the subject of "loving yourself" - and so, I have read much, as per the above excerpt

from http://www.gotquestions.org/self-love.html   which validates my perception and understanding (as in my own personal worldview).

Love, Leah





Unpacking the meaning of the verse yields the following expanded translation: “You shall love your neighbor as you already do love yourself.” Thus, self-love is assumed in this text, not commanded.

Thank you, Leah. This is wonderful information!              Love  Ami

[LilyCat]

Ami, here's the piece from Alice Miller that I thought was very relevant to your question:

P. 43 (at least in my edition):

"We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents & caregivers as well as about ourselves. We can only try to behave as if we were loving..."

You may want to go back and reread the context of that.

Hugs,

LC

[Ami]

Thank you so much,((((((((((Lily)))))))))                                        Love to you,   Ami

[dandylife]

Ami,

And what about the question, "Can anyone really love us well, if we do not love ourselves well?"


Dandylife