Obsession vs Self-Acceptance

[sKePTiKal]

So..........

what I'm letting go, is the imperative to quit smoking. Still intending to quit, mind you... but it can't be done with my arsenal of CBT tricks - yet. I have to start FIRST... and each time I try to start, I run into a wall of incredibly strong resistance. I'm running into Twiggy and HER strength. Twiggy ain't letting go - yet.

Twiggy clings to smoking because of her story. It was her only comfort, it helped her function mentally, it was a "take that" to my mother............. all those reasons that are linked to the abuse, trauma, and her mother's mental illness that was the "normal" behavior of her FOO.

It was how Twiggy dealt with the severe ego-injury of only being acceptable to her mother - by being LIKE her mother. It was how she survived.....     and that's no longer relevant, needed or useful. NEITHER are the feelings and facts of her story.

Now, Twiggy loves irony. What is ironic about the choice of smoking in Twiggy's story... is that nicotine is addicting; the common understanding of addiction is it makes the user powerless to quit (not quite the whole truth - isn't THAT familiar). And long, long story short: the choice of smoking only served to make Twiggy - through her self-willed determination to have something that wasn't her mom - JUST LIKE HER MOM.  POWERLESS. OY.

Twiggy has come a long way; grown up a lot in 3-4 years. She was always pretty smart. She saw people around her with emphesema; lung cancer; lost her grandma and aunt to stroke & heart disease. She knew the connection with smoking, even before the surgeon general's statement was added to cigarettes in the 60's. Twiggy liked science & engineering.

Twiggy was persuaded to "not be" - to separate from my awareness & get denied existence/emotions/life by climbing into an imaginary, subconscious chinese box.  Smoking was another way to "not be" - and to WIN this struggle over her entitlement to BE HER without having to take abuse. Except it didn't work out that way.... because smoking wasn't the right tool. Smoking doesn't define & enforce boundaries.

Self-acceptance is the very first step to getting to the FIRST step of quitting smoking. I accept that this is Twiggy's need for smoking. I accept that I can't pry them out of her cold, dead fingers.... and I don't want to. Fine, she can smoke as much as she needs to - FOR NOW.

Self-acceptance is Twiggy's responsibility too; as much as I am HER - she is ME: a 20 lb overweight, hypertensive, 40 year smoker... will Twiggy accept that this reality the result of HER choice to smoke, 40 years ago?

Is this what she wants? I don't think so.... but the decision is up to her. How often does one get the opportunity to hold past & future reality together in the present moment? She gets to look at THEN and NOW - and see how her choice then, turned out NOW.

It's a gift for Twiggy - with a condition: I'm giving her till Friday to chew this over and decide. Either way, I'll abide by her decision.

Her emotional wounds have healed. Her understanding of then & now has increased quickly and deeply. I can trust her to make an informed choice... one that's not based on a reality of abuse that doesn't exist anymore. I can trust her - put my life in her hands, literally - because I know what she wants and I can provide that. But if she continues to smoke - well, then she's deciding she doesn't want that anymore - because neither of us will be healthy enough to BE that.

Is Twiggy going to accept my current reality - a result of her choice of self-defense so long ago - or is she going to step up & decide to choose something different? She's the one with all the strength, power & determination... she continued to exist in isolation those 40 years - in spite of all my abuse-programmed efforts to deny her existence... she's the one that's running this show...

So I have to let go control over this process. I am NOT in charge here, am I? So, it's all up to Twiggy.
What I want doesn't matter - only Twiggy's wants matter in regard to how we proceed from Friday on.

Then, maybe we can stop this infernally silly way of working with, talking about, and referring to myself.

[sKePTiKal]

Hmm.

Today's update...

Twiggy is re-processing emotions again. Anger, mostly. She's decided that smoking is what the evil angel of abuse tempted her with... because smoking served to help her defuse, numb, distance and hide the anger that "wasn't permitted". Smoking activated the Lbrain functions... numbed some Rbrain functions (overwhelming feelings) and replaced the feeling of anger with the physical sensations of being a novice smoker - the head rush, dizziness, nausea...

... enabling her to HIDE her anger... deny it... not be angry...

Not sure where this is going, but it's interesting. Lots of documentation that smoking allows anger to be managed - which is why so many quitters go through angry, irritated, melt-down temper tantrums in their early quit.

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, well - anger triggers the fear of additional abuse, invalidation at the very least... I can see why Twiggy "doesn't want to go there" about not having her well-worn habit to hide behind.

Life has given me ample opportunity this week, to provide Twiggy with actual experience of how ineffective smoking REALLY is as a way to hide my feelings, to manage them, to feel differently. Yesterday was particularly rough.

I've come up with a juicy reward for her, if we can quit for 2 years. I've explained about the process of making a decision and sticking with it: desire, intent, a plan, what if strategies, and a dictionary of other coping techniques. Think I'm going to put this together as my own workbook... it'll be an excellent, tangible way for me (and Twiggy) to "get there". But, we're not going to talk about this together, until AFTER she lets me know what her decision is...

... and the deadline for the decision is tomorrow. If she chooses to quit, then I will try to continue tai chi the next 8 weeks (immediate reward). This section of classes is always the most difficult because of heat & humidity and not being able to breathe. Just wipes me out. This summer, work is insanely busy, emotionally demanding & chaotic - and I can't physically deal with work, smoking, and try to work on the form/push hands without letting one of those things slide.

If she chooses to keep smoking, she has to accept the physical limitations she's creating for me... us... and she has to let tai chi go, until it cools off.

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

Yours and Twiggy's stories...well, I can't relate.  My inner child simply doesn't acknowledge me let alone negotiate with me.  I guess that is the problem.  There is no negotiation.  She, I suppose is extremely stubborn.  She remains where I found her curled up in the corner of a cold, gray fortress constructed like a maze.  Anyway, I wanted to ask if Twiggy actually believes and or sees the evil angel, She's decided that smoking is what the evil angel of abuse tempted her with...     or do you use it as a figure of speech to explain your story? 

Still cheering your decision to 'quit'!

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Well - chronology is a mess in Twiggy's memories. Dissociation - especially for prolonged periods - will do that, I guess.

Twiggy was in her room - where she was a LOT in those days - trying to think about and understand everything that was going on with her and her family's changes. I think she visualized - imagined these two angels - while she was trying to make a decision. Her thought process would go in one direction for a while.... then emotions would flare and the thoughts would go in the opposite direction. So the angels were a visual metaphor for this dichotomy of thought-streams. It was me who interpreted this... as an internalization of the abusive "imperatives" I was given. Twiggy had an intuition about this - but not much more than that.

My first view of Twiggy was when she was younger; curled up in her grandma's chair bawling her eyes out. By herself.
So I just imagined that I was scooping her up in a big tight hug & rocked her awhile until she stopped crying.

Maybe you could just get close enough to your inner child, to hand her a blanket - put a hand on her back - rub her back for a few minutes.

Ya know, I don't think I've tried this approach to quitting before; negotiating this with Twiggy. It was always me - the adult, with her collection of ideas, techniques or drugs - thinking, OK.... I'm free and can do this... only to run headfirst, blindly into Twiggy's strong, stubborn resistance and her wily slippery ways of avoiding things. I was trying to impose something on her; force her to quit with me... and I think she's had quite enough of that for one life. So I'll let her drive this next attempt - but not without pointing out the alternative to NOT quitting... pointing out reality of my physical body, to her. (She's pushed me a bit too far in tai chi, sometimes, so much so that my muscles have hurt until the next week's class. She does understand how much older I am than how she sees herself.)

She's not speaking to me, the past couple days - just that rehash of how angry she is. But I am allowed to point to her, that directing the anger at herself doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  So there's some tenseness right now in our "relationship". It's OK. She does know that maybe smoking wasn't the smartest way to hide or manage her anger, now...

And she's still permitted to refuse to quit on Friday. But that choice has other consequences - and she knows what they are.
Tomorrow's going to be VERY interesting....

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

I'll keep my ears on for tomorrow!

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, TT - it's tomorrow,today.

Twigs says her decision is to quit. She wants to keep working with me; maintain the relationship. When I pointed out that this is going to require a lot of letting go - of old emotions, old patterns of behavior, and old habits... she said she's ready. But she doesn't sound totally convinced to me. So, I'm going to also let her have the option to take today to change her mind. She's afraid, mostly.... that she'll be so out of control, so non-functioning, that the great agony of abuse will come out of nowhere and settle down on her again. I am reassuring her with several things:

She asked if I could go back to tai chi; the answer is yes - if I'm not smoking. In tai chi, she & I work together now and I can feel Twiggy, in my body. She obviously likes this. So body awareness & presence will help a LOT with withdrawal symptoms; the reconnecting of L&R brain happens through heightened body awareness, for her & I. We can co-exist and still be separate and Twiggy has been herself; revealed herself - in class, with only the most positive, encouraging responses. We're learning not to hide, in tai chi, and that nothing BAD will happen.

The other thing, is emotional education - what Twiggy sorely lacked. If she learns how to appropriately express her emotions in lots of different situations, she needn't fear those feelings any more. She's already come a long way in this department. But anger is still an issue - and I warned her that we might experience withdrawal symptoms as anger and irritation. She knows. She accepts the ways I've suggested that we can release that kind of energy and will let me manage the expressions of the anger.

The 3rd thing is unconscious work. (and no I can't explain how this works at all - I'm just now becoming aware of it!) I told Twiggy yesterday, that I needed a "sign" from her that she was ready to make a decision:

Last night, I knew I needed to stop and buy a carton on the way home. I even reminded myself on the way out the door. I only live a mile or so away. I forgot. Hubby & I decided to go out & pick up dinner... and I was in the car and down the road, when I realized that I'd left my pack of smokes at home. This has been happening a lot lately. I'll leave them in the jeep when I get to work... I just plain forget them.

Lately, I've been going back to get an extra bit of sleep each morning. I usually dream a lot in this "section" of sleep; I call it Twiggy's dream time. This morning's dream was amazing.

The pertinant section is this:

There is a Wu Shu master that I'm in awe of - Nick. I've taken some of his seminars (he also teaches tai chi). They are humbling and I see clearly how fat & weak I've let my body become; but I also see that it's not too late to reverse that situation.  In the dream, he was challenging me to try something that sounds impossible... There was a door mounted at the end of a panel (not in a wall). I was to hold on to the door knob and swing the door back & forth (a decision??)... then: when I'd built up enough momentum, let go & throw my body down a short flight of steps, roll, and "escape" out the open door or windows in the other room. There was an iron railing - handrail - along side the steps.

So, I'm hanging off this door, swinging it... trying to build up speed & energy and at just the right time: I LET GO and fling myself; I tumble through the air and land perfectly on one foot on the bottom post of the handrail and bounce myself right out the door.... and I escape.

I've told Twiggy we can do this. We can escape - and we can learn Nick's tricks, too.

So now - we'll see if she backs out of her decision today or puts up resistance to planning & strategy. I want her to be absolutely SURE she is willing to help me quit.

[sKePTiKal]

Well - Twiggy's sure.

And it seems she's willing to begin letting the smokes go sooner than I am - so, I might be in for a wild ride.
I guess that's pretty much the end of this topic. Time for this thread to fade to the back pages....

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

Great news!  The end of smokes.  With all the benefits too.  Congratulations!

Also, I think I remember that your therapist has recommended that you and Twiggy not integrate.  Is that right?  The two of you seem to communicate quite well.  Why not integrate?  Or is there a specific plateau that your T thinks would be more condusive and effective?  Or is it your T's opinion that you never should?

If you want to, I can move this to a new thread.

tt

 

[sKePTiKal]

Naw - I'm the world's most frequent digressor! So I appreciate the things that come up in my threads - even if they're only slightly related.

I don't know why she said to keep us separate, for sure. I never asked her. For awhile, I thought about Dissociative Identity Disorder - where people really have more than one "me"... but, I really don't think that applies to Twiggy/me; we're not that clear cut or well-defined. But, these days, I think she recommended that because the feelings that Twiggy was processing ON HER OWN and with me - would've been disruptive to being able to function in my normal life.

As it was, I did have to deal with certain triggered emotions anyway. It wasn't disabling though; and I treated each incident as a learning experience.

Maybe she didn't want me "becoming" Twiggy - since Twiggy needed a parent desperately and I was filling that role for her. Twiggy was very sad, confused and a flaming ball of rage. It would've been really hard for the people around me, if I "became" that. That doesn't mean I didn't experience all Twiggy's feelings in complete, gory detail... I did... but in a paced fashion. We work together in the mornings before I get ready for work - mostly journaling. Her writing is different than mine - as is her "voice".

For some time now, I've been aware that the opposite is happening; Twiggy is becoming more "me"... she's been growing - up - to match my chronological and emotional age. The bonus is that Twiggy's bringing her ability to play, to have fun, and enjoy herself more into the realm of "me". And this experiment of letting Twiggy make the decision to quit smoking is an acceptance on my part that she is REAL and a force to be reckoned with. She's been the sabatoeur in my life, for sure. If we accept that Twiggy was locked away in my unconscious... then this would make sense - the sabotage was always unintentional; unconscious. And yes, that also means that integration is the ultimate goal, but it'll be determined by & managed by the unconscious self (Twiggy) - not something intentional on my part. Maybe this kind of negotiation is all that's really possible... I'm not sure anyone knows for sure.

"Twiggy" is experienced by me as a slightly different sense of "me". I can tell the difference, but even that's becoming more subtle. Not sure I have the words yet to describe it better than that. Some spiritual traditions would call this my Inner self - or Higher self, I guess. But, I'm not so sure - she was tantrumed-out, freaked-out teenaged girl when we started piecing together her story. Not someone I'd associate with a spiritual being!  Girl Interrupted, is a lot more like it.

I've been out of therapy now for a year. She said I could finish the "work" I had to do, on my own. And she did ask about whether Twiggy was getting older...

her advice on smoking was to not "force" it; that one day it would just happen... I might've adjusted that advice a little, by putting Twiggy in the position of making the decision... but I also gave Twiggy the option of backing out today - and it's pretty clear that she's full steam ahead to get started on the strategy - or just put the damn things down before I'm even ready!

Definitely a force to be reckoned with...

[teartracks]

Wow, PR!

Did your T explain or attribute any of your experience to splitting?

tt 

[sKePTiKal]

Actually, we didn't analyze that much in session - or diagnose. Just worked to get me & Twiggy working together... and getting into feeling and knowing my feelings.

it does sound like "splitting" - but the reality of being in that position is world's apart from all the clinical descriptions/explanations.

Once I'd discovered Twiggy - and all her memories, the repressed emotions - I became pretty self-sufficient, after that. I've been "working on myself" through a number of more spiritual traditions so I had tools to be able to move on to change, pretty quickly. By change - I don't mean at all - that I don't still have the same emotional reactions to certain situations... I sure DO! But my behavior isn't as completely, mysteriously controlled by those emotions, as before I "got Twiggy back".

Getting Twiggy back was the all-important key. And this whole smoking project is still just another level of not letting my behavior be dictated by my emotions - and not stuffing or dismissing my emotions, either.

Yesterday was a beautiful example: I had just decided it was time to relax by playing video games with hubby, when my "troubled" daughter called. She shined me on - gaslighted, essentially - about how wonderful her life is right now, even though her SO had messaged her sister looking for help in dealing with daughter 1's out of control drinking, abuse, and odd behavior. When the topic of drinking came up, I reminded her that she didn't like spending Christmas in jail last year (DUI)... and that only she could control herself and her behavior. I made an excuse to cut the call short... because I noticed she was having trouble with words: not hearing what I said & substituting her version... drinking?? maybe.

So, I was angry that she would lie so plainly to me - she even said that the desperate SOS message her SO sent wasn't reality... sigh. No one sends those kinds of pleading, upset, and frustrated messages - for NO REASON. Daughter 2 had forwarded it to me, so that I wouldn't be manipulated by Daughter 1, yet again. (and some day, I'll investigate this dynamic, too...)

I was just beginning to process some of this anger, when the phone rings again (hadn't gotten up to put the phone back yet). My mother. She has left me alone for about a month - and I've been enjoying the peace & quiet. At that point, I had to go smoke and I grabbed a beer on the way (only drank 1)... and had this very clear awareness of abusing myself to hide my anger (and the facts) about daughter 1 (which is too close to what daughter 1 did to me, for comfort)... and to be able to "uh-huh" my way through my mom's monologue & tirade about her life...

And afterwards... I couldn't believe how sad I was (still angry, tho too). Mom & daughter 1 are doing the exact same things - and here I am in the middle, abusing myself.... because I CARE about both of them (as irrational as this is)... I care so much, that I'm acting out Twiggy's magical belief that by making my wants/needs so UNIMPORTANT - that they would not be who they are, and I wouldn't have to be embarrassed, sad and angry about them anymore. Even had to ask hubby, if my connection with both of them made me a bad person........



..........SIGH................

This is the underlying emotional issue Twiggy has about smoking, you know. But over the weekend, I recognized that I am the one with time-related triggers for smoking; the habitual, timed-fix-inhaling, programmed one. Two problems; different kinds of solutions. One behavior.

Going to be very busy this week - dealing with these dual problems. I think they even feed each other, in odd ways. But at least I didn't feel that I was responsible for daughter 1's behavior any more! (She's 31, ya know???) Lots & lots of stuff to process out of those 2 phone calls and how I (and Twiggy) feel about them.

EDIT IN: ps - I think that Twiggy learned from her mom, that the only way to get HER needs met, was to meet other's needs at all costs... to "do something", in other words. And that emotional imperative has been the underlying motivator of my over-responsibility. And when, I'm faced with the impossibility of doing something useful and positive - it creates that unbearable emotional reality of total powerlessness... so Twiggy reaches for her "magic" again: if I hurt myself... God will see... and the situation will improve. It always worked with her mother, ya know? Talk about Pavlovian reinforcement... no wonder Twiggy is bawling - in my dreams this morning; just under the surface. Poor kid - at least I know my mothering is just what she needs... firm guidance out of that self-perpetuating abusive trap.

[sKePTiKal]

tt:

I have to thank you for bringing up the idea of splitting. I went back & reviewed my PTSD info and lo & behold there is a really HIGH correlation of smoking in people sufferering PTSD. I am immensely grateful, as this is proving to be exactly what I needed to process the last steps of reintegration.

I've seen for myself, how smoking helps "manage" emotions... my guess is that it's also really useful for this kind of splitting. It allows a lot of self-deception and distraction from emotions... activates and suppresses parts of the brain that deal with memory, emotion & thought processes. So my theory is, that smoking is an aid to keeping traumatic memories/emotions well locked away - keeping all that well out the range of consciousness. Well, duh...

More searching & clicking through the back pages of Google also brought me a very interesting paper on PTSD symptoms and Holocaust survivors. It addresses just this kind of splitting - of walling off in the unconscious of painful, traumatic memories and feelings - and how people built other personalities that didn't address emotional vulnerabilities or unresolved grief and still did well in life - until they reached a certain age. Then, some of the "facts of aging" and life changes brought up all kinds of emotional difficulties - that split off section of one's self - that insisted on being dealt with via a lot of physical and emotional symptoms... the PTSD... years after the experience of unspeakable trauma. There were differences between how this delayed onset of PTSD occurred, depending on whether the trauma was experienced as an adult or as a child.

I was exposed to a Holocaust memorial - a photo montage - and spoke with someone, while I was Twiggy and still rather dissociated. It became an icon for me... of man's inhumanity to man... and while what had happened to me, was still fresh in my mind and emotions - I was able to superimpose my suffering on the background of this greater suffering and see how my personal trauma was LIKE this - except that in the continuum of scale, my suffering was a faceless, nameless, insigificant part of the evil that exists in the world, lost in the immensity of the numbers of people who experienced much WORSE than I did. That is both a good thing and a bad thing, simultaneously. It's both going beyond my personal experience and being retraumatized at the same time.

For some time now, I've been trying to explain that when I discuss "Twiggy" from the 3rd person point of view, that it's merely a convenience; a way of talking... however, I now see the reason for it and my T's admonition to keep her feelings separate from mine. Twiggy's issues were the months before and after the trauma; about a year all told. Healing those feelings was one type of task.

During therapy, I uncovered a minefield of crap surrounding my mother. This was a completely SEPARATE set of issues, even though they overlapped, impacted, and confused the PTSD/trauma work. Twiggy's feelings would heal - given sunshine, fresh air, acknowledgement and TIME. They have healed. Triggers still exist, but not as prominently or frequently as last year. Most of Twiggy's healing happened outside of my normal life; tai chi was one place where she could exist safely... and where we learned to work together.

That left me free to deal with and work through my m-issues. The anger, shame, the N issues... and while that's still a work in progress, I'm far enough in, through, and out the other side now... to realize that as Twiggy's feelings healed - we were merging. I didn't have to "talk" to her... I could simply listen to the feelings and intuition inside myself. She isn't a separate entity any longer... and we merge even BETTER when I'm not smoking, because Twiggy remembers how it felt to be ME, without nicotine... and the smoking actually keeps us separate.

My tai chi teacher recently told the class, that the reason she keeps repeating things to us, is because we are all at different levels of self-observation and awareness. Tuesday, a person might be too busy working on something to take in a new piece of info or correction - but Thursday, it's HEARD and one wonders how one missed this obvious thing so long. She said the person has to READY to hear it. And I know this myself, from raising kids and teaching.

When you hung in on this thread, tt, and shifted to talking about splitting... and reintegration... I was finally ready to "hear" it. And to see how smoking fit into this phenomenon.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!