Obsession vs Self-Acceptance

[teartracks]

Carolyn,

Thank you.

Standing on your own (mentally)  in the new arena is nothing like experiencing detachment in the old arena.  Detachment is beneficial, but it is only a resting place on the road to the newness of life I'm talking about.

tt

[Certain Hope]

tt,

I think I get it, although I feel like a mental slug sometimes when I'm trying to absorb this stuff.


After detachment comes... the point where the old is irrelevant (? ?) and the new life/identity is not a bit dependent on tools used in the old arena?

Thank you.

Love,
Carolyn

Carolyn,

Thank you.

Standing on your own (mentally)  in the new arena is nothing like experiencing detachment in the old arena.  Detachment is beneficial, but it is only a resting place on the road to the newness of life I'm talking about.

tt

[teartracks]

Carolyn,

That is right.  Detachment is a tool,  one of many a person uses to survive in the old arena.  Detachment from the abuser, gives you a chance to catch your breath long enough to deal with what comes next.  The place I'm talking about, the new arena where one experiences their authentic self for extended periods is freedom.   Freedom from that middle ground where just about all you're equipped able to do is survive.  I wish I were able to express it better.

Edit in:  Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting that anyone reaches a place of total, complete, eternal bliss in this life. 

tt

[Certain Hope]

Carolyn,

That is right.  Detachment is a tool one uses to survive in the old arena.  Detachment from the abuser, gives you a chance to catch your breath long enough to deal with what comes next.  The place I'm talking about, the new arena where one experiences their authentic self for extended periods is freedom.   Freedom from that middle ground where just about all you're equipped to do is survive.  I wish I were able to express it better.

tt

tt,

You've expressed it fine. Thank you!

That's what I thought you meant, but I needed it fleshed out a bit... just the way my mind works (or doesn't work).

What you said is just right. You've helped me to see more clearly where I've been, along the continuum from obsession to self-acceptance.

You know, I got N-free and immediately re-married. Flat out didn't know what else to do with myself, that's all.
So here I was, straight out of the clutches of Npd and newlywed to a guy who couldn't possibly be more my opposite (externally).
And suddenly...
nobody was telling me how I should be, or who I should be...
and then, after awhile, I started coming here, to the board, where I'd hear people talk about loving self (might as well be a foreign language).
At home, I had my new husband saying that he just wanted me to be happy.
Well, that's kinda hard to do when you've never considered that an option of personal choice and you don't have a roadmap, so
it made me... frustrated. And I'll cut the blather right there and just say -

now I get it. I was in the new arena, but still serving those old masters.

Is it natural to go through a period of deep exhaustion when you finally realize they're not around anymore?

Thanks, tt.

Love,
Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

My obsession is seeking validation from other people (pick one) and being willing to completely sacrifice my own needs - hell, even annihlate myself (Twiggy) - in the process of seeking this. This was what I was taught to do; what my mother taught me to do. It was profoundly WRONG.

What I am practicing letting go - is this need for that kind of validation.
Replacing it, with self-validation... and it is a completely NEW experience,for me.

I have been hiding my true self, behind always putting other people's needs ahead of mine... expecting the validation that never comes through this level of sacrifice (and yes, tt - generating all the other emotions that are used to hide my true feelings/self - even from my self).

This is simply a role I've been taught to play... in the endless, closed-loop of total invalidation while seeking validation (duh). A habit. I am very lucky that Twiggy chose smoking - the most addictive habit - as a way of getting my attention about this.

Thanks, TT for the validation you gave me. I appreciate it and it helps to strengthen my self-validation.

There is absolutely NOTHING to fear anymore - BEING (not "doing" for others) my SELF. I just don't know exactly who that is -- YET. But I do know she's selfish enough to put what she wants, her feelings, and her time BEFORE the possibility of gaining a not-guaranteed validation from anyone else. She has an ego; and it hurts when people put her down... even when people misunderstand her. She WANTS to be liked -

but to until she SHOWS and IS her SELF...

no one gets a chance to like her - for who she really is.... only for her expert skills in "doing for others".

What she DOES for others, is what is unimportant right now. It's no longer a raison d'etre; idee fixe; obsession.

This changes EVERYTHING.

Thank you to everyone... especially Dr G, for his forebearance.

[Certain Hope]

Thank you again, Amber. I have alot of respect for you... and appreciation, too.

With love,
Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

For mud:

got it - no snapping turtles! 

Since I'm shedding an old shell, and am running around completely vulnerable to predators (which is really educational)... hopefully, I can simply burrow down into the primal ooze for a bit, while I'm discovering who the hell I really am.

[sKePTiKal]

Ah! tt - more light shed - I got it now!

I've noticed I smoke a lot, when I'm doing something I don't really WANT to do...
I just noticed I also smoke, when I have to set a boundary - DUH again!   

guilt & shame... partners of obsession & validation through invalidation.

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

Ah! tt - more light shed - I got it now!

I've noticed I smoke a lot, when I'm doing something I don't really WANT to do...
I just noticed I also smoke, when I have to set a boundary - DUH again!

 

These are the times when I find it invaluable to go into 'search mode' within myself and ask,  do I really have to do anything about anything or for anyone in this moment, this hour, this day?  It is surprising how often the answer is no.  This releases me to rest in the new arena where I am the only one I have to be concerned about or answer to.  It amazes me how refreshing it is to dwell there however briefly. 

tt

[sKePTiKal]

An update, as I believe I took another small step in the past couple of days:

I recently had to enforce a boundary with someone in 3-D. It made me angry that someone who claims to be my friend, would not accept my word that I didn't have time to honor her request, due to an impending deadline on a project that is important to the faculty community as a whole. But I didn't stay angry - oh no - I immediately jumped to apology, feeling very bad about the whole situation and responsible for her "not understanding".

This situation woke me at 1:30 this morning.

Self-Acceptance means that I have a right to be angry, because I did explain, in terms that could not be misunderstood, why I have no time to honor her request. Yet she continued to plead, wheedle, bribe - in other words, push. The feeling of being apologetic - while polite; of being responsible for disappointing her and her not "understanding" my needs.... of feeling bad about this, and not ENTITLED to my anger.....


well - that's just OLD stuff being applied to a present situation. To be self-accepting requires that I be hyper self-aware of playing out these old scripts in the present - and that I don't automatically jump to feelings and actions that perpetuate the cycle of self-abuse and allowing myself to be taken advantage of... sacrificing all for others.

The present is nothing like that past that Twiggy/I endured. Those feelings that remain about those events arise from DESIRE - the hope that this time, the result of the same dysfunctional emotions/behavior will be different. According to buddhism: desire is the cause of all suffering and this aphorism certainly applies when we cling to hope & desire for a different outcome or resolution in our present day relationships using the same warped methods we learned in and through abuse.

So, I've come to understand that self-acceptance also mean releasing the outcome of my desires:
-- to be liked - always
-- to be understood and my boundaries respected
-- to be able to manage how other people see and feel about me through always being submissive (which only serves to teach them that it's OK to violate my boundaries...)

Releasing the outcome of those old desires - still replayed in my relationships today when I'm not self-aware - means that I am also able to release those old feelings; let it go into the past (not that it be forgotten; remembering is allowed; just not dwelling on it or the old feelings)... the past is not REALITY; not NOW. It WAS reality THEN; but being attached, obsessed with THEN - NOW - means I'm denying the REALITY of NOW. A different reality.

Releasing those old emotions frees me to choose NOT to feel bad about setting & enforcing a boundary. Even to release my anger at the boundary violation - and create my own present, in-the-moment reality of NOW. If she doesn't like me after my loud, strong NO, then I guess she only found me "use fool". And that's not a friend.

Releasing those old emotions and the cycle of validation through invalidation, opens up the possibility of choosing NOT to smoke  - which was my old way of the unconscious self telling the conscious self: validation through invalidation is happening; it's wrong; do something about it....

.... and the only thing I knew to do about it was smoke some more.

That's all different now. I don't have to feel bad about other people's feelings. There is simply not enough of me, to be all things to all people. I am not responsible for how people see or feel about me. I am certainly AM responsible for killing my self, in the mistaken belief that this will ultimately change the unchangeable.... the childish, foolish hope that this will make the object of desire HAPPY and finally earn myself love & approval.

I can release that childish foolish hope, too. I had no parent to tell me how silly this was - then. As a parent, I would never allow my own children to cling to such a fantasy. It's completely unnecessary.

[sKePTiKal]

LOL!!! HOPS!!!

Oh, I do acknowledge the addiction - and I'm getting there... getting around to that part of the process.
I've just had to clear all this OTHER CRAP out of the way first...

because that stuff PREVENTS me from simply dealing with the body's (brain's) addiction. Quite literally, this obsession/magical thinking prevents me from taking the first steps, every time. It simply wasn't clear to me, in my conscious self, what was getting in the way. (my SELF, duh... and all those old emotional habits.) 

But, you'll be glad to know: the quit date is MONDAY. I've finally felt I could set one... and STICK TO IT.

I've already forewarned a couple supportive co-workers who have already quit; I only work 2 days next week - and it's very important to me to start the quit here and get through the first 2 days here - because when I return from my 5 days off - I will be coming BACK to an already self-declared "smoke-free" zone. It's been easier for me to maintain a quit while at home or other places... because I am free to manage whatever comes up - sleep, working off physical/nervous energy, etc.

Also - work triggers (as in the example) that whole self-destructive cycle. But I think releasing outcomes and self-validation/acceptance will be enough to get me through those 2 days.... and I have a place to scream, if need be. These two co-workers aren't at all affected by any type of emotional meltdowns - and have seen me have a quite a few already.

I've been collecting tips, tricks, techniques and support forums for quitting smoking for about 3-4 years. I'm pretty well ready to take on the addiction.

EDIT IN: oh yeah - and this crap of punishing myself for being angry and feeling that other people's feelings are my fault - is EXACTLY why I started smoking after being quit for 2 years. This is the key to being able to put all my collected addiction stuff to work...

[Certain Hope]

I'm glad to know, too, Amber... still cheering you on over here : )

Sounds like an excellent plan which you've put into place and I know you are more than able!

Love,
Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

As I get a chance, I'll add to this thread my collection of techniques, the "strategy", coping plan, etc.

I know there are people still reading who may benefit from these - and I think they could apply to almost any habit we're trying to change. Won't inundate anyone - but will put the most helpful things up.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi PR

Just remember I am a 4-5-6 cigs a day smoker and haven't been 'led' to totally quit, as there is so little left in the life of an 'older' woman. Going on 52 years now!

Good Luck to you. though.
xx
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, Carolyn, Izzy & Hops...(am I leaving anyone out? I apologize.)

Well - I break this down like this:

I need a plan that includes goals & rewards. I need a strategy - the actual how-tos. And I need a whole truckload of techniques & replacements! 

Hops' point about the physical/mental addiction is now the center of my strategy. It was an excellent reminder Hops - thank you very much! Smoking energizes/activates L-brain activity and suppresses R-brain, for me... and this was another way of validating (L-brain) through invalidating (R-brain). As a general way of thinking about the difference, L-brain is my process skills, intellectual/mental thinking. R-brain is more emotional and physical sensation... day dreamy, more creative, still "thinking" but with intuition and emotion, rather than logic...    Just needed to define this for myself, before backing up and laying it all out.

The plan is this:
Beginning this morning, whenever I pick up a cigarette - I ask myself to decide if I really, really WANT it and why. And then, while smoking it (doing absolutely nothing else) consciously testing myself to see if it fulfilled that want or was just a fix for the addiction. I have designated smoke-free zones... haven't smoked indoors in years... have begun including my jeep... and today am adding smoke-free TIME zones - removing the smokes that are simply habit, associated with breaks, etc. Limits start tomorrow with half a pack. Since Monday is the first no-smoke day, that adds an urgency to the stepping down. I've been tracking the number (and time/place) for years now.

Goals are: positive validation of self w/o invalidation, better breathing to enable increased strength & stamina - longer life; enabling me to progress to another level of tai chi work; and actively engaging in all the family relationships that give back to me (while letting the others that don't give back, go...along with SMOKING). OH! and another big one: intention/attention to food - quality, quantity, and the act of eating. That's a topic in and of itself... maybe later. But it's useful to give me something other than the quit to focus on, and it helps me deal with the weight gain issue that I'd rather avoid, if possible.

The Strategy: Letting GO

I recognize that letting go isn't FORCING, isn't draconian, isn't merciless, doesn't really have rules. Absolutely NOT allowed to kick myself for slips - but not allowed to give up a quit because of 1 smoke EITHER. (Izzy's approach is an example of what for me, would be an big improvement... but Twiggy & I want smoking gone completely... so that might just be another "threshold" I reach on the way...).

Letting GO is actually a "lightening of the load" while moving toward something new. The journey on a 2 lane road. I have to allow it to be what it is - be open to curves in the process; be ready to accept them.

Every time I quit - there is a convenient emotional uproar to justify or become an excuse for more procrastination or a slip. Sometimes, it's just a normal thing that I let get blown all out of emotional proportion. I know I will face this again - and I'll have to distinguish real situations from excuses and deal with them differently. It was really ugly with hubby, the last time I tried to quit - I swear, every single bad dysfunctional communication habit I learned from my mom simply took over and made both of us miserable. Sometimes it's work stuff - sometimes it appears out of thin air.

So the strategy is to start the quit Monday morning - at home, in the morning - these are the most "fix"/addicted smokes, with my coffee. Going to limit the coffee to 1 cup in bed and 1 cup in my "chair" (where I've worked with Twiggy all along) (These are No smoking zones). Not smoking has made me hyper, in the past.  I have a list of things to do INSTEAD of smoking in the morning.

I am already adjusting - shifting - postponing my work smokes to odd times.... not my normal routine. I will have all kinds of replacement goodies for myself and have enlisted the support of co-workers (non smokers; some former) to simply put up with me, talk me down from emotional ledges and give me time away from the computer for these breaks. I'll be scheduling automatic reminders in my calendar to get up & go walk throughout the day - once a day a longer walk with a buddy in another building. Work is only 2 days next week - then I'll be at home... and hubby at work. I have several lists of tasks that I've procrastinated on, to work on. Inside tasks, if it's too hot (and of course, hot weather will discourage being outside in my old smoking spaces.) When I need to simply rest - sit & be - I'll be able to do so. When I need to work off restless energy, I can do that.

And I can direct a lot of attention to food... which will help take my mind of smoking!  Don't need another obsession, you know?

Chi gong will help balance any energy spikes/lulls... and the breathing part of those exercises will get me through cravings.
I have cinnamon toothpicks for oral, nervous stuff...
homeopathic pills to help reduce cravings...
my inhaler...
and I'll stock up this weekend on celery/carrots & hummus; tic tacs.

I'll start vitamin C and detox tea on Monday; I always drink my 8 glasses of water (or more) a day anyway... plus herbal tea....
and our bookstore carries lots of things, if I run out, to use as rewards. It's important that my rewards are things Twiggy wants; likes. There are daily rewards, weekly rewards, monthly rewards, etc. I'm also creating a can to add $3.50/day to, for each day I don't smoke. Haven't designated what the money is for yet - but since we go to the beach in October, I think it's going to involve crab, oysters or shrimp. Maybe a bathing suit - they'll be on sale then. Some of the rewards aren't material - they are designed to soothe and reward my emotional self...

In this prep phase, when I have a craving prompting me to smoke - I'm practicing my "full stop" exercise: deep breathing, grounding myself, eyes closed... just breathing and feeling just fine in my body WITHOUT getting up to smoke. I've febrezed anything that smells like smoke - including my jeep... there is only 1 ashtray... and 'coz I know I'm going to be around smokers, have been practicing not smoking with hubby - even with my own smokes around me. Just not smoking. It's not that difficult or a big deal.

And I'm an hour into my first smoke-free time zone; I can only have my next smoke after 4 pm. That's a start folks - there's MORE. These are the things I know work the best for me - I'm going to be relying heavily on chi gong & tai chi during the first phase of the quit, but yoga, walking - any physical activity that also refreshes the brain would work, too. I've found myself sneezing a lot in the morning - after re-affirming & journaling my prep to quit... guess my body's already trying to detox... expel the evil spirits...

I can tell from re-reading this: my r-brain is strengthening - typos galore; dyslexia even - odd grammatical patterns. Good thing I've been practicing tai chi with an active r-brain... it doesn't freak me out anymore; it's not a handicap - Twiggy & I know how to manage it. And I have a Nintendo DS game for R-L brain balance... that might help at work...on breaks.