My Mother - A Pathological Liar

[Ami]

Dear James and Adele
 I JUST got clarity on this issue, as I was soaking in the bathtub(lol). I see how I wanted people to see me, really see me, as my M never did. I have been replaying the drama of trying to be seen for my entire life.
 I can see HER,clearly, now and she can't see me b/c she cannot see outside of herself. It stinks,but it is better than lying.I guess the best we can hope for is honesty and it will provide a way to live an authentic  life.          Love,  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you both for your posts.

I am not sure if I am trying to get her to change and/or to understand me or not or if I am just unconscious or in denial but what I think I am doing is to get affirmation from a third party about my mother.  I "know" she will never change.  I "believe" I have accepted that she will NEVER understand me.  But because I know these things I could certainly be in denial. 

The big thing is to find a way I can tolerate any kind of a relationship.  I do want to do that and I want to find a way to make it possible - I'm just trying to figure out how.  The lying is a HUGE problem.  The other issues I can tolerate - the lying I cannot.

[Ami]

Dear SS
 Just follow the path of truth and you will find the way. Truth, in anything, is not easy to accept especially  when you have had to have as many distortions as we .However, even though truth may bring pain, under it is relief.
  I am with you,on your journey, SS, by your side.    Love  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

My mother sent me another e-mail and said she was seeing a therapist and that after a few times she would let me know and we could go together.  I thought about it and was dismayed and sent a lengthy reply which ended with these paragraphs:

I have spent a lifetime of being set up by you and being pulled into alternate
roles of caretaker and whipping post.  I have no doubt that you can convince
your therapist of your version.  As a couselor, it is his responsibility to be
sympathetic to you.  There is nothing to be gained for me to go with you after
you have firmly planted yourself as a victim of your unsympathetic,
misunderstanding daughter.  There is just no point in that - for either of us.
 
My problem is that I don't trust you and as I emailed you a couple of weeks ago
it would help if you would start by admitting that you have lied and being
specific.  But time is passing and I know that your next ploy is to let the
passage of time lessen the impact of past offenses.

I just got a call back from her saying she had sent me an e-mail (which I never received but which is possible if not plausible) in which she admitted that she had lied to me.  She went on to say that she had told the therapist that she lies to me about all kinds of things and that she doesn't know why.  She said she knew it was damaging and yet she couldn't controll it.  She apologized and asked if I would come to see the therapist. 

It was such an incredible surprise, not a jolt but a shift, a huge shift.  She is not a different person but I am.  I had expected to never hear those words  and in ways unclear I had made a peace with that.  This was just a gift - one I never thought I would receive.  Something in my world is shifting - it has been a long time in developing and it is still slow but welcomed, very welcomed.

[Ami]

THAT is mind boggling, SS. I think she knew YOU were serious this time. Bravo to you!!!          Love   Ami

[gjazz]

SS: Maybe, just maybe, even if she didn't send that e-mail, she's trying to face what made her who she is.  That doesn't mean you have to help, or even participate.  You've earned the right to look out for yourself first.  On the other hand, you know what she HAS been, maybe there's nothing left to lose, and a lot to gain, by trying. 

[Gaining Strength]

THAT is mind boggling, SS. I think she knew YOU were serious this time.

You know Ami, I never thought about it but that is part of the shift.  I have NEVER been taken seriously by anyone in my familiy about anything.  I have been so voiceless.  It was not easy to get her attention but It makes a difference.  It is very, very possible that I could have gotten to the end of life and NEVER had anyone in my familiy respond to a single expressed need.  But this time I was heard - now I understand that the outcome really doesn't matter.  This is what mattered. She actually took an action because I insisted.  And she actually told her therapist that she has been lying to me.  I still can't get over that.  I actually be lieve her.

gjazz - I'll definitely go.  I have said I would and I will.  The only reason I am giving her the benefit of the doubt on the e-mail is that a week ago she said she had sent an e-mail from her church and didn't know why it had never come.  I didn't believe her and a day later it came through with the time on it that she said she sent it.  How did it get lost in cyberspace for a day I don't know but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that one.  That's big - to believe a liar about that but this time I will.

[Ami]

Dear SS
 It is REALLY sad that no matter how hard we tried to please and take care of them , they never gave us respect or real love. When you get strong, they listen.
 I think people from families that guide them learn HOW to take care of situations by being strong.
  It was very,very unacceptable for me to be strong and confident.
  That brought the worse shame to me.That brought,'"Who do you think you are?".
  I really felt shamed by that one. I wanted to dig a hole and go in.
  The Board taught me how to defend myself. I never could have stood up to my parents and H without the lessons I learned, here.     Love   Ami