Author Topic: Waiting For Disaster  (Read 1262 times)

gratitude28

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Waiting For Disaster
« on: July 14, 2008, 08:45:42 AM »
OK Guys... I am hoping one of you has some help for me to stop this Murphy's Law feeling as soon as possible...

My life is good now. I am really getting fit, eating well, enjoying tons of time with the kids, financially we are getting straight. I won't be able to look for a job that would fulfill me now, as I have to shuttle kids to football, soccer, etc. But I might be able to work toward certification for teaching in FL while here. I am not excited about it, but it is a solid thing to do and once I am in the classroom, I blossom. So... the point is, we are comfortable right now...

And I can't help feeling that because I am taking care of myself, something terrible will happen. I know this comes from hearing my dad say how much life sucks over and over. But I can't rid myself of the feeling.

Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Certain Hope

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Re: Waiting For Disaster
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2008, 09:17:24 AM »
((((((((((Beth))))))))))  it's not an easy mindset to break.

I get that crusty little prophet of doom perched on my shoulder, too.
This one likes to hiss in my ear that God could wipe me out in a heartbeat... and that I'd deserve it, if He did.

A few years of peaceful living and positive changes hasn't been enough to shut that toxic lizard up, but he's got plenty of fresh bruises to show for his efforts.
All I know to do is keep putting the smackdown on him, Beth.
He's an old habit that dies hard... and he's intimate with the critical voices which are always vying for control... but he can't define me or my reality unless I allow that.

Resist the skumbag and he will flee from you.
lol... I typed flea, at first.
That's it... we need some Advantage for the soul to drive this crud away.   :lol:

One thing... when it's off your shoulder and nipping at your heels... I've found that it doesn't help to run faster.
Gotta turn and look it in the eye and say, with all assurance, "Back off!"

Beth, you're doing awesomely well. Look up!

Love,
Carolyn

LilyCat

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Re: Waiting For Disaster
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2008, 09:31:59 AM »
Carolyn, I always get such a kick out of your language and images! You are so cool.

Beth, once again (we must be a lot alike?????), I feel that way all the time. I never trust it. I could expound on that but won't. I, however, haven't had too many moments where life has been clear and stable. Certainly not in this century.

I've never explored this, but I'm guessing it comes from constant treatment by one's family, where things were always happening. The constant lack of respect, in whatever form that took. Or abuse, if you had abuse. Or perhaps your home was just chaotic, not a lot of feet on the ground type of thing.

Don't know the reason, sure know the feeling. I think, after my insights last week, that the antidote is probably to learn to trust yourself; understand that you are trustworthy. This was big for me last week; I realized I could trust myself to take care of myself. Didn't need parents anymore. (That sounds so lame at 54, but your schtick is your schtick.)

????

LC

sKePTiKal

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Re: Waiting For Disaster
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2008, 11:15:18 AM »
Beth:

I think I was trained to only take care of my own needs - through taking care of others' needs. And doing anything strictly for myself (except self-injury) was punished or dismissed as "selfish"...

So, to actively pursue those needs dredges up this old, subconscious fear about the consequences, you know? I call it the "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. Truth is, nothing BAD will happen because I take care of my own needs.... and only repeating the experience and getting that result will make this old syndrome seem like a belief in Santa.

I think, in my FOO, this was reinforced with repeated instances, where I'd finally feel "safe" and happy and then WHAM - the fights, the scary stuff, would start all over again. I learned to EXPECT it, based on whatever cycle my parents were in - and after the divorce - my mother's cycle. I sometimes have to do what Carolyn recommends: look this fear in the eye and banish it back to past history of hell.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Ami

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Re: Waiting For Disaster
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2008, 12:17:43 PM »
Dear Beth
 Thank you for being so honest.  I think there is a forbidden feeling to taking care of our own needs, as if some giant sword from the sky will come down and slice us for having the audacity.
 I am in a similar place. Please keep talking about it. It is very helpful.     Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

SilverLining

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Re: Waiting For Disaster
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2008, 06:25:55 PM »

I get that crusty little prophet of doom perched on my shoulder, too.
This one likes to hiss in my ear that God could wipe me out in a heartbeat... and that I'd deserve it, if He did.

A few years of peaceful living and positive changes hasn't been enough to shut that toxic lizard up, but he's got plenty of fresh bruises to show for his efforts.

Hi Carolyn.  I like your method of turning it into an objectified toxic invader, rather than part of yourself.  The feelings of impending doom may never go away completely, but we don't have to own them, and we don't have to let them take us into the dumps.