Author Topic: just learning  (Read 2654 times)

renee

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just learning
« on: September 04, 2004, 10:03:21 PM »
Just six months ago I learned that my husband of 21 years, the father of my four children, has been having serial affairs for many years.  The resulting therapy process has revealed that he is a classic N.  I am looking for advise on how to proceed in dealing with him, as all of the divorce books don't tell you how to seperate from a partner with a personality disorder!

He works (and therefor really lives) out of the country and is quite succesfull at his job and financially.  He is involved with an other woman (beautiful and successful) but claims that he will contiune to support the children and me.  I am just learning about this disorder and it has me spinning.

flower

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just learning
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2004, 10:53:57 PM »
Hi Renee,

Are you the Renee that posted on "What bait does your N use?" and others. If so, I feel for you -  having an N mother and then finding out about an unfaithful husband!  :shock:

Hopefully your ex will be away most of the time from you and your children. Just how narcissistic he is could make a huge difference in what you do. How much control and contact he wants with your children could be a factor you probably have already considered. There are so many factors to be considered.

Since I only have experience with a N mother I can't really help much  here. But I hear your voice and hope the best for you.

Anonymous

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just learning
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2004, 11:04:50 PM »
I just found an interesting site:

http://www.eddylaw.com/vol2_no1_art4.htm

"How personality disorders drive family court litigation"

It may be a good starting point. There is material about divorcing nearly anyone. You just have to search for it.

And get an excellent attorney!

bunny

Anonymous

  • Guest
just learning
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2004, 12:19:36 AM »
Hi Renee,

How painful this must be for you.  Not only does it depend on the PD but also on how prominent your husband may be in the community.  Locally, there was a rather public case of a battered wife who lived in the most exclusive of neighborhoods.  She had just filed a restraining order which didn't work and he still enjoyed the privileges of high society.  He broke her face. He went "on leave" at the corporation his family founded.  It is awful to watch how often money can circumvent the justice system and protections that are supposed to help.

Anyway, go to www.bpdcentral.com.  They have a new book out called Divorcing the Borderline Spouse.  You may also be able to find it on amazon.com.  Although your H may not be borderline, these kinds of folks are the most difficult to deal with and may prepare you for the worst.  Good luck to you, Seeker

Anonymous

  • Guest
just learning
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2004, 08:02:10 AM »
Bunny is right - get a GOOD lawyer who specializes in family law. I've been through a divorce with an N and I have a few tips. I'm not suggesting that you do anything dishonest or illegal but start collecting any financial or legal documents to which you have access and keep them in a safe place (where H can't get at them).  Depending on your situation you may want to get a Post Office Box for your mail - if I hadn't done this my ex would have taken my mail.  Get your own cell phone with voice mail that the H can't access.  Don't forget to guard your computer. Your husband is nice right now because he  has his new honey but that can change very quickly so it's best to get things done while he is cooperative (or not paying attention).  

I was very passive and easily manipulated during our marriage so when he announced he wanted a divorce he expected me to just go along with whatever he wanted.  By the time he realized I was not going to go along with his insulting settlement, I had already seen the best lawyer in town, he had no access to my mail or voice mail and I had copies of all our important papers safely stored away from the house.  He did pull some pretty sleazy stuff but his ability to cause damage was limited because for once in my life I decided to be proactive.

renee

  • Guest
just learning
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2004, 02:23:09 PM »
Hi Flower,

Are you the Renee that posted on "What bait does your N use?" and others

It's a different Renee. I guess I should have officially logged in, but no matter. I'm pretty much just looking these days...I haven't posted in quite a while since the board got kind of violated for a while. So the recent Renee isn't me  :)

Renee

renne

  • Guest
appreciative of the advice
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2004, 06:44:45 PM »
Thanks for all of the good, concrete advice.  In many ways I am blessed that the children and I have our own life and home seperate from the NPD husband, as he has been working out of the country for over a decade.  He is not part of our community, has no access to my computer, mail or financial records.  I have always handled all of that sort of "grown-up" stuff anyway, as he was/is too busy with his very special life to be bothered with the mundane.

My biggest concern is the psycholgical health of the four children (ages 20, 17, 14 & 12).  How do I mitagate his NPD effecting them?  How much do I tell them?  They used to worship him, which he loved of course, but now that the bubble has burst, things are probably going to change quickly.  These are great, loving kids and I want them to stay healthy!

Anonymous

  • Guest
Re: appreciative of the advice
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2004, 11:44:58 PM »
Quote from: renne
My biggest concern is the psycholgical health of the four children (ages 20, 17, 14 & 12).  How do I mitigate his NPD effecting them?  How much do I tell them?  They used to worship him, which he loved of course, but now that the bubble has burst, things are probably going to change quickly.  These are great, loving kids and I want them to stay healthy!


I'd tell them that there are problems that can't be fixed and it has nothing to do with them. If they ask outright whether dad has been unfaithful you can tell them that your problems in the marriage were adult problems and the children have every right to be angry that the adults didn't work out the problems. I don't think children need to know the nitty-gritty of their parents' private lives. But they may need to know something, otherwise they blame themselves.

bunny

flower

  • Guest
just learning
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2004, 01:19:38 AM »
Quote from: renee
Hi Flower,

Are you the Renee that posted on "What bait does your N use?" and others

It's a different Renee. I guess I should have officially logged in, but no matter. I'm pretty much just looking these days...I haven't posted in quite a while since the board got kind of violated for a while. So the recent Renee isn't me  :)

Renee


Hi Renee from before. Good to hear from you. The board was kind of wild there for awhile. Hope to hear  more from you if you get the notion to post.  :)

flower

  • Guest
Re: appreciative of the advice
« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2004, 01:40:04 AM »
Quote from: renne


My biggest concern is the psycholgical health of the four children (ages 20, 17, 14 & 12).  How do I mitagate his NPD effecting them?  How much do I tell them?  They used to worship him, which he loved of course, but now that the bubble has burst, things are probably going to change quickly.  These are great, loving kids and I want them to stay healthy!


My only idea is for you to keep the lines of communication open with your children and use your discernment to calmly give them understanding that they are ready for. Maybe a counselor experienced in this area could meet with you and your children to help you work things out.

Anonymous

  • Guest
on the other hand
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2004, 02:46:58 PM »
Normally, i would be protective of children and not expose them to adult matters, however, it will be detrimental for them to think that their parents were good role models as far as a healthy normal marriage is concern.  

Not to further add to your pain, and i do feel for you, but, i  am afraid that your kids are already in trouble being raised by both parents which are lacking a successful marriage.  there will be repercussions as a result of this.  

And, you, as a parent, need to take care of yourself and be a good role model going forward. I would not continue protecting the kids from the truth.  its better to clear up the illusion sooner and recover earlier than continue living a lie.  

I don't think you need to hide your anger about your no-good Nhusband.  You should not condone such behavior as this would send bad messages to your kids.  Its not too late for you to live happily ever after, no matter how old you are or how long you were in this marriage.  As long as you are breathing, and still got brains, you have a chance.

Good luck!!  switzerland

Anonymous

  • Guest
just learning
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2004, 05:05:52 PM »
There was an n in my life, who has a relationship with my children, but no longer with me.  I did as Bunny suggests and basically told them (my kids) that the problems were between the adults, and that I didn't want them to worry about it.  Also, that they may feel angry, upset, etc, about the adults not getting along and that that was ok and I would do all I could to help them through it.  The children accepted this.

Years later, they are still hoping to see a reunification and I find it's difficult for me to explain what behaviours caused the disruptions, even though they are much older now, because I don't want to interfere in their relationship with the n person (although deep down inside I would like nothing better than to end those relationships-I do know that that is not up to me).  At the same time, I see my children's confusion and I want to help them understand.  It's hard to explain without explaining.  So now I'm giving simple explanations when they are requested.  No more covering up or dancing around the facts.

If I could do it over again, I would be more factual, giving some simple information about actual causes/behaviours, right from the beginning, and seek expert counselling.

Since your H lives elsewhere, now is as good a time as any to secure your financial situation, regardless of what he is telling you he will do.  Take the necessary steps to be sure you won't need his generosity, which can vanish on a whim and to protect your assets for yourself and your children.

Best of luck to you!  Take care of you too, ok?

s