dates!!!!!!! yikes!!!!!!

[axa]

Hi guys,

I have had a few coffee dates with a guy who is respectful and pleasant BUT there is no chemistry for me, don't know about him!  He is very different to XN and my usual type of guy so not sure at all about this.  We are meeting up again this week.  I am wondering is the fact that I don't feel any chemistry a sign that he is ok or what?  We usually meet up for an hour, talk about politics or some such and then thats it.  I come away thinking what was that about?  I don't have any contact with him inbetween meetings because I am just too busy and want to stay focused on what my work. 

He lives in the country with lots of animals, which was how I lived with XN and to be honest I could not care less if I ever again saw another animial at this stage (sorry all you animal lovers out there).  He seems sensible, grounded and respectful, what I say I want in a man but it just leaves me cold..........HELP  all you experienced daters out there.
Could it just be as simple as I am not attracted to him and big thing for me - he doesn't make me laugh.  In fact our "dates" are so serious they remind me of meetings - is this what grown dating feels like?

axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa
 I have wondered about your question. I think I would want chemistry ,even if it is "sick calling to sick".                                           Ami

[lighter]

I think that forcing yourself to sit through dates with nice guys is just the prelude to adult relationships.

It actually begins when you're not seeing the nice guy any more.....

find yourself shocked to miss him....

and even more shocked that you're ringing him up for a date. ::

That's the beginning of an adult relationship, IMO.

Lighter

[Lupita]

Hi Axa, I really relate to what you have posted as a response here. And I know that if I feek chemestry, it is bad, period. I mean, bad for me. That I know for sure.

Lighter, it is scary to think in a mature relationship. Before we can do that we have to end the victim status and stop te sign of abuse me in the ofrhead and have the sign of do not even try, and stop the childish behavior of I need somebody to protect me, because that is one of the first things abusers use to abuse people who are needy and want to be protected by others instead of protecting their self.


Ami, I want chemestry too, but I know it is sick to sick, and I do not want to get in trouble.

I am confused.

[Ami]

There is a lot of wisdom in that ,CB.                               Ami

[Certain Hope]

Don't let her negative thoughts through your helmet, my dear.

Treat her the way you want the relationship to be and detach as best as you can.


Lighter

This helped me alot, right now. Thanks, Lighter.

Lupita, I hope you'll share what you're learning through this visit by your mother... when you can.
Thinking of you.

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

((Carolyn))  I'm sending a prayer, whatever your challenge right now..... a little prayer.

CB..... insightful stuff, that.

::nodding::

Lighter

[axa]

Just a quick note to say I am coming back to this and appreciate this thread but so busy, will come back at the weekend. Hi CB, been a while!

Axa

[Lupita]

Hi Axa and Lupita,

I think that people are not who they really are for the first few months of a relationship.  So, a person who comes across "good" may be not so good when you get past the first several dates.  One of the reasons we may find "good" guys boring is because they are more carefully constructed to show only their "good" sides--and that makes it harder to really connect with them. 

I think the degree of dangerous has to do with us.  How sick we are.  If we don't let the relationship progress so fast that they come barreling into our hearts before we have a chance to see who they really are, I think we minimize the danger.  I think that our sickness is that we have poor controls in that way.  I don't think that we are blind to who we should let in, but we let them in before we KNOW who they are.

If someone bores you, like Lupita's guy, then don't bother with them.  But, if you really want to give someone a chance, learn to enjoy them as a person before they become a romantic interest.  And even as a romantic interest, let the relationship develop slowly.  I think that's really hard for us and that may be the biggest problem.

.

If you try to figure out who the person is from a distance, so you can give away your heart safely at the beginning, I don't think you are going to ever feel safe. 

Lupita, what if you went out with this guy without thinking about whether he's the kind of guy you are looking for?  If he gets tired of walking on the beach, do something else with him.  If you can't find anything else that you both enjoy, then the relationship will just end on it's own.  (sounds like you are kinda doing that by inviting him with your friends.  He doesnt want to do that, so that's one less experience you can share with him.  If he invites you to something, and it's not something you enjoy, then that's another less...) 

 

The guy I'm with, on the other hand, is someone that I enjoy being with on a lot of different levels.  I really enjoy working with him, I like traveling with him, I like having coffee with him, talking to him.  He is great with my kids, and I really like his kids.  Where I can see that we will bog down is if we shared a home.  I would start seeing him as "bad" because we are very different in the way we run our home lives--and it would make me feel taken advantage of.  But he's not a "bad" guy. 

It seems to me that it would be impossible to figure out from the beginning of the relationship what kind of person the guy is, so I can decide if I want to completely abandon myself to him.  I feel more safe at this point in my life, in this relationship, than I did in my marriage.  I think that has more to do with me, than with the guy.  The guy I'm dating has some of the same traits as my ex (without the narcissism--one thing THAT has taught me is that everything negative in my relationship with exN was not narcissism.  Some of it was just irritating non-narcissism stuff.) BUT, the negative traits don't hit me the same way because I don't take them personally.  I havent decided whether that is because I am dealing with a non-narcissist, or whether I am growing up.

Ok I invited him with friends, he did not want to. He only wants to be alone with me. He does not want to dance, he does not want to walk, I am going to try comedies. He only wants to be sitting and eat, he wants to be alone with me at my apartment, and I do not wnat that, not at all, not now. He is very negative. I do not want to date him just because he is the only one that has been itnerested in me seriously. That is not fair to him. I think I am going t be friends only for a little time and then we'll see. The only thing that makes me doudbt is that he is willing to got o church for me, and that is really moving to me.


There is another guy. He was the maintenance guy in my old apartment. One day he changed a faucet and left a note with his phone number. I called him and he said he wanted to go out with me. When I said I wanted to go dancing he said that he did not dance and he only wanted a companion to stay at home.  I know what that means. I told him that dancing is a major part in my life and he never called me again. He just called me again after I moved. He wants to try again.

There is another guy, I will talk about him later.

wow CB you always amaze me. If you took a councelor career I would kill to be one fo your patients.

[lighter]

I'm glad you aren't forcingt yourself to go out when you don't want to.... or stay in.

Enforcing your boundaries is a good thing, Lupita.

Stating your needs and not allowing them to be dismissed is good too.

Keep dancing, my dear.

Light

[Lupita]

Hi Lighter, I miss you. How are you?

Lazy guy called me again. I told hime very honestly that I would "love" to see him but just sit and eat is not my thing. If he wanted to go out with me he had to do something, like walking or hiking.

He said he would call me back,. He has nto called back so far.

The other has nto called either.

I am too busy with new job and have not gone dancing.

Love to yuo.

[CB123]

Hmmm, Lupita.

Remember how I said that people are on their best behavior in the first several months?  Take a look at this guy's behavior and think about the fact that this is his BEST.

If he wants to isolate you now, have you all to himself, not want to do anything but "be" with you--what will he be like when the "new" wears off?  Controlling?  Isolating? 

There's a lot worse than "boring" and he could be worse.  Don't try to hard to salvage this one--he may be one you want to throw back.

Sounds like your job is interesting and challenging.  Do you like it?  How does it compare with the last one?  Do you feel incredibly FREE to be out of that last school????!!!!!!

Love to you, Lupita,
CB

[Lupita]

Hi CB, thank you so much for your insightful thoughts. I have not gotten to that stage where you attract nice people. Until this point I have a sign for N men without any insight. But hoe can we attarct ncie men? It is difficult. There are more women than men, and many of them are homosexual, so every man has several women and one gay man if interested in that, so, it is not good market, worse than the realtor market at this point and age of us.

Wherever I go there are many women and few men. I mean the church, or library or musiem, or cultural events. I refuse to go to bars, nothing good comes out of that.

So, the hope to meet someone is very low. I mean statistically speaking.

But the thing is to be prepared when if a miracle comes and we meet somebody nice and recognize the opportunity that might never come back again.

I read somewhere that one in every ten people has a personality disorder. Even in here the board we have several thousands of memebers and several hundreds of those have a personality disorder. So, on top of that you add the scarcity of men. They die first, and more, and they are born less,statistically speaking.

Even after born, boys die more than girls.

So, the panorama is not  good. Sometimes I think that if we want to have somebody in our lives we need to be not so picky, but at the end I think that it is better to be alone rather than with someone with a personality disorder, not having somebody just to have a corps sitting on the sofa drinking a beer ad watching the football game and totally ignoring our presence, hmmm, no, I do not want that, for that, I prefer to stay alone.

OK, CB, what do you think of this?

My love to you, and my admiration too.

How is your business going? Are you going to become rich? Maybe you will not talk to us when you have a franchize and we have to beg you  to let us have your brand of food. Maybe a cooking TV program, who knows, you are going to be a very successful woman, my cristal ball is telling me that.

Love to you.

Lupita

[Lupita]

Thank you so much for updating us about your business. It is incredible. I am telling you woman, you are going to be very successful. My intuition tells me so.

It is fresh air to my face to hear that you are doing well without advertising. It gives me hope. Maybe one day I will do it too.

About sharing the bathroom, how come some women are so desperate for having the corps sitting on the sofa, that they do not care, do you rememebr of my thread "The teddy bear"?

Imagine that you are in the bathroom making intestinal noises and yuor couch potato yelles at you, "Honey, are you OK"? I am not willing to give away my privacy, anyway, I am going out tonight with lazy boy, but he is going to do a three hour walk, or I do not go out with him. I told him, sitting and eating is not my thing.

Thank you CB for your response.

Love you.

[Lupita]

I ended up all my dates. Not worth it.

R was a liar. He was misrepresenting him self. If you meet somebody in a walking club, you have reasonable expectations that he is goign to like to walk. He only wanted to sit and eat. He accepted reluctantly to walk and he strated bleeding from a toe. he is not used to walk, he did not have the appropriate shoes although I told him that that was what we were going to do. I told him that I did not want to eat and that I do not like to eat at night and the first thing he said was "I am hungry, I need to eat" I called him a CC because he could not even walk. And he said I was being unreasonble. I said I was looking for friends and he said "good luck with that, I already have enough friends, I am looking for lovers".
If he just said that before, I would have never gone out with him. So, the point, I am not going to have a coach potato as boyfriend, I cant stand it.

The other two, same thing. They do not want to exercise, do not want to diet, etc. I am not going to lower my standards just to have a corps sitting on my soffa.

I live on the beach, I can swim, walk on the beach, do many things. I do not need a corps sitting on my soffa.

Hope that somebody relates to this. I know of many women that do anything to have a man in thier house. I have been alone for almost 20 years now.