Loneliness feels like a mutant gene

[Dawning]

Can any of you brilliant people offer me some advice on how to deal with loneliness?  I feel like my loneliness is something genetic like my skin color and there is nothing I can do about it but just accept it and walk around with it all hanging out for the world to see no matter how well I have learned to cover it up.  However, it comes up whenever I become intimate with someone - especially a potential long-term relationship.  At the moment, I feel that I have sabotaged a potential long-term friendship with my loneliness gene.  How does one talk about it with a new friend without scaring them off? 

Love,
Dawning

[Ami]

Dear Dawning
 Thank you for being so open and authentic. That helps other people, too, including me. IME, loneliness is a function of being disconnected from ourselves.. When I am connected to myself, I get along with others well. When I am not, I feel lonely.
 I had too many expectations of relationships ,as a way to fill my inner emptiness. As I feel more worthwhile, I feel more able to nurture myself and less lonely(when I AM in this space)
 It is new for me to begin to feel value for myself,but I AM beginning to and it is much better than before.
 We were taught not to value ourselves,so it feels "wrong" when we do.For many of us, our value was in pleasing and caring for others. That left us lonely when we were not serving that role or when others were not taking care of our needs.
 You are not alone, Dawning. That gives some comfort,I hope. Keep writing and sharing. You have so much honesty and I appreciate it.           Love  Ami
 

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Dawning,

I have been 'alone' pretty well all my life. I had 2 short term relationships: my daughter's father for about 6 years, in the '60s and an Narcissistic Psychopath, '98-'02.

I raised my daughter so that was more long term, but we cannot count on others to take away the lonliness. I suffered from 'empty nest syndrome' when she left home, '80s,  and then she met an N and married him. I disliked this man, my son-in-law, with all my being, but knew not why!!!!! It wasn't until I had left my N/P that I learned about personality disorders that we, here, are encountering.

After all my introspection, 6 years in June, I have learned to like/love myself, give myself a pat on the back and I can live with me and not be lonely.

My brother said to me when I was learning how to drive at age 28, well I was driving already, but tentative and he noticed. He said, "Remember! You drive the car! The car does not drive you1"!

Again I applied that policy when I first bought a computer.

I apply that whenever I can. He doesn't even remember telling me.

So only you can learn to love yourself so you can be alone with you and have fun and not feel lonliness!

I have a ball!

??
Love
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Dawning

I got carried away, so this time YOU are first!

At the moment, I feel that I have sabotaged a potential long-term friendship with my loneliness gene.  How does one talk about it with a new friend without scaring them off? 

I suggest you do not say how lonely you are, as some people see that as needy? and wonder if he/she might become a 'babysitter'. Think Co-dependant!
I am beginning to learn that strength and independence are what both people need to form a relationship................so says the old spinster of the group!!

It's too late for me now, but I know couples married 45-50 years and , well I have 2 sisters who mention only themselves when they email, and mention me, but not their husbands. I would like to know about my brothers-in-law, but --what the hell . One is 78 and two are 69 so maybe they are boring, but at least the couples are still together.

Are you lonely in a crowd? Lonely on the street? nobody on the street knows, unless you allow it to show.

Me? I smile all the while, as I propel my wheelchair around and make them wonder-----does she have an orgasm  when she goes over every bump???

xx
Izzy



When I first spotted my daughter's father, I saw sad brown eyes, and had the sudden urge to make him happy. That was a red flag for me!! but I didn't know.

[Certain Hope]

Hello Dawning,

Have you read this? I was amazed!  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/82496.php    "Loneliness Is Gene Deep"

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, Dawning. Lonliness can be so consuming.
 Are you socially isolated in a physical way or is this more a sense of feeling alone in a crowd?
 Is it that you're concerned that you may be portraying a sense of desperation and clingy-ness to aquaintances that might drive them away?

I've been reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More (finally!) and also trying to sort out for myself... how much intimacy is good and normal, and how much may be too much - as far as revealing personal info and sharing deep thoughts and feelings. What I'm finding is that this is all new territory to be explored, once you've discovered that boundaries are necessary and good!  Constantly I have to re-measure my expectations... of myself and of others... in light of healthy boundaries.

Maybe you'd find some benefit from that book... if you've not read it before or even to review the contents.
 Just seems to me that you may be lonely for yourself, most of all.
You can be one of the very best long-term friends you'll ever have! I never would have believed that, but it's all making sense now, the more I learn.

Hope you'll continue sharing and receive comfort here.

With love,
Carolyn

[Dawning]

Just seems to me that you may be lonely for yourself, most of all.

I find myself in relationship to someone or something.  I have been in a major life transition for almost one full year of my life and I haven't been working much during that year.  I start a f/t in mid-August.  What concerns me is the part about finding myself...cause it begs the questions, "when did I lose myself?"  And I seem to lose myself whenever I become intimate which then gets me closer to the next question,"if it were true intimacy, you would not lose yourself."  So what is happening here? 

I'll check out the recommended books. 

And reply to the other postings after I have nourished my body with some food.  Right now, I am living in someone else's house too and sharing a kitchen - which is difficult.  I am moving at the end of the month to my own place.

Thanks, everybody for helping me with this one.

More soon,
Dawning

[Certain Hope]

Was just thinking of something I've heard:   Intimacy = Into me (you) see.

When I was spending all of my energy trying to meet someone else's needs, and thinking that was intimacy,
it was more like I was trying to fill a bottomless pit with someone else . All that did was leave me feeling more lonely.
Kinda like trying to satisfy your appetite, day after day, with cheese puffs.

Trying to be all things to others does not allow them to see into you, that's for sure.
Sharing deep feelings and needs will open that window, but then if you don't feel worthy of having those needs met,
you can wind up feeling more hopeless and alone than ever.
It can be really difficult to learn how to receive.

I seem to lose myself whenever I become intimate...

Dawning, are you speaking of emotional or physical intimacy?

[Dawning]

Sharing deep feelings and needs will open that window, but then if you don't feel worthy of having those needs met,
you can wind up feeling more hopeless and alone than ever.
It can be really difficult to learn how to receive.

Thanks for writing this.  It is very poignant indeed.  May I ask how you decided on the name, "Certain Hope?"

Izzy Now, thanks for providing the great image of you in your wheelchair.  I'll forever remember that!!!  I promise.

Ami, thanks for your kind words and for recognizing and sensing my honesty.  I swear it is TOO easy for me to beat myself up over all my shortcomings.  I appreciate your affirmation and reminder of one of my good qualities. 

As for intimacy, it is mostly in every area but the physical one is the toughest to deal with especially when a sense of Rapture or Heaven-like feeling occurs.  I sense alot of truth to the Buddhist Idea of the Ten Worlds http://www.sgi-uk.org/index.php/buddhism/tenworlds while not considering myself a member of one organization over another with regard to dogma or religion.  Still, the Ten Worlds and the "Mutual Possession" of the Ten Worlds helps me to get over myself and see a larger picture of the human condition. 

As for the most recent example of how my shortcoming of loneliness has come into the picture...I have manifest a situation in my life that has to do with the whole situation of someone else - someone who I became intimate with physically and emotionally.  I treasured the time we spent together but then reality reared its ugly head.  But I CAN control my reality and it doesn't have to be ugly.  I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE.  I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE.  Not my N-family who identified me as the messed up one.

Can anybody relate?

You are all so great and loving.

Dawning.

[Certain Hope]

Dawning, Are you saying that... after being intimate with another, your own life has taken on the same or similar negative circumstances which exist in that person's life?

I am ignorant of the Buddhist Idea of the Ten Worlds, but I'll read at the link you've provided.
My first thought, though, is of something I only know to call "soul ties"...  which happens when two become one flesh. Not sure I can expound upon that, but it's a very real phenomenon, in my experience... and can be quite oppressive, if the union which has occurred is with someone who is not well balanced.

My name comes from my search for... and now my dependence on... the sort of hope which is available in Christ Jesus... not only a sure and certain hope for a resurrection to life eternal, but an anchor for hope of victory in this life. This is the one thing which I've (almost) never lost.

Carolyn

Added on edit -   I'm not sure that lonliness is your shortcoming, Dawning. I believe that we were each created for relationship. Don't the problems arise when we seek to satisfy that craving for relatedness inappropriately?

[Dawning]

Dawning, Are you saying that... after being intimate with another, your own life has taken on the same or similar negative circumstances which exist in that person's life?

Yes, this seems to be the case.  Have you figured out how this is related to our history with N's?  This has happened to me before so it is definitely worth looking into.

Thank you,
Dawning.

[Certain Hope]

Dawning, Are you saying that... after being intimate with another, your own life has taken on the same or similar negative circumstances which exist in that person's life?

Yes, this seems to be the case.  Have you figured out how this is related to our history with N's?  This has happened to me before so it is definitely worth looking into.

Thank you,
Dawning.

Well, I'm no philosopher, but I don't think N or anyone else can put onto us anything that's not already within us, They definitely do have a knack for bring out the worst from those they target. Vampires of the spirit and soul. The curse seems to be enhanced by looking back. Reminds me of the Bible account of Lot's wife. I remember feeling like an emotional pillar of salt.
Thankfully, each moment is another opportunity to choose new life.

Carolyn