Do Ns get better with time?

[Anonymous]

Jenny,

Thank you so very much for opening up and sharing a slice of your life with me.  I do have a sense of hope now, though it is somewhat guarded until he can prove to me that our relationship is as important to him, as it is to me.  

~~Susannah

[Anonymous]

Hi Susannah,
I admire the strength in your willingness to pose an altumatum. You are putting your health first, and thats good.... even though it's hard.  It proves that he has not destroyed your self-worth, and that you are unwilling to allow that to happen.  That takes a lot of foresight and courage.  There are no easy answers with this behavior... There is only solidarity.
Peace, Jenny

[Susannah]

Hi again Jenny,

Well, I approached my husband with this when he came home for lunch, being the type of person who doesn't like to put things of importance off.  He really was accepting of what I had to say and was already inquiring as to how best to get past it.  

I do believe that my husband and I have a couple of things working in our favor in contending with this problem.  One, we have utilize Classical Homeopathy in our family, though not as successfully with him as the rest of us, which will help with any possible organically related problems, such as adverse reactions to vaccines in his childhood, or the vaccines that were administered when he entered into the military.  Two, that we understand very well the need in relationships to seek forgiveness and reconciliation.  

I know that there were problems with how he was raised, having his next sister come 13 months behind him, which more than likely caused a premature ousting from his mother's lap, if she was even so inclined as to nurture her babies.  There are a number of things that I have never liked about his mother and I have even told him that I have wanted to slap her, not literally, on a number of occassions for how she handled, or sometimes not handled, him in his formative years.  I'm sure if I were to get closer to her and better understand her, that I would find her to be narcissistic.

So, overall, I am very pleased at how this has manifested and in how he has been open to it.  I really hated to use the term Narcissistic, because I am not fully convinced that what he is contending with warrants having a title, seeing that each of can have Narcissistic tendencies at varying degrees and at various times in our lives.  However, I do know that I don't like what has been happening and am the type of person to grab the bull by the horns at the onset, not waiting for it to become a pathological or sociological condition.  We are expecting in May, his first, my 7th, and I want to establish peace in our home a.s.a.p.  Maybe this is one of my phases of "nesting".     And, from what I've read in other areas of this site, having a baby can very well catapult someone with Narcissism, into seeking a new and more healthy path.  Which means that we have 3 areas working in our favor!  

I really appreciate your encouraging words and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!  

~~Susannah

[Anonymous]

Susannah,
Oh you are expecting! Congratulations! I do hope he straightens up for your sake and for the baby's! (and your other children)
The fact that he was receptive to your suggestion is a very good sign, I think.  Ofcourse, he will have to show you with his actions that he is really willing to be introspective and perminently change his behavior.
(In the roughest times of my marriage, I learned that my husband knew the art of "making nice" with words and temporary behavior changes... just enough to convince me that he really meant it this time.)

But yours and his committment to forgiveness and reconciliation and homeopathy sound like good things too.... I have always wanted to learn more about homeopathy... If I didn't overwhelm you with books last time, I thought of one that you could work on together, if he is willing... "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.  It's about working out childhood issues, and growing more emotionally intimate.  (I can't believe how much money I spent in the "self-help" section of the book store! I read at least 10 books on marriage!
Whatever happens, there are times when this board can be very supportive! I hope you will keep in touch if you want to or need to.
Peace, jenny

[Susannah]

Thank you for the 'congratulations' Jenny.  I will look into that book and see if that is a tool that could be effective for us.  I too have spent a small fortune on self help books over the years, but lost most of them in a house fire back in 1996, which in retrospect was probably a good thing.  I now try to keep a balance with common sense and other's inputs, believing that at times we can become too absorbed and even :::gasp::: Narcissistic in wanting to do such and such because So and So said so.  

My husband really isn't one to use words to make nicey nice, so I know that I can rest assured that what he tells me, I can take at face value.  I really do believe that this is going to work through, because as I stated before, I don't see my husband as having full fledged NPD, just some tendencies that made me wince, which more than likely is what many of us have done at one time or other in our lives.  This is just his season of being a bit more immature, heaven knows that I've had my seasons!!  LOL!!  

Take care and have a GREAT day!!
~~Susannah