Susanna, and Guest40 (as I am the guest who you copied and wanted to hear more about)
Susanna,
I can identify with a strong desire to save the relationship.
For the first two years of my marriage (which were characterized by good times and really really sucky times) I sacraficed my physical and mental health because I believed my husband could change. I still believe husbands with N tendencies can change, and that it depends on the severity of the Narcissism.
First, please, please, please, be sure that you have a lot of support outside of your marriage! Tell good friends who will listen and offer support for whatever you decide. Don't be silent. Don't worry about his reputation. They are your support network. N's can keep you from having support if you worry about their reputation. If he ruins his reputation by the things he does or says to you, it's his own fault, and he must suffer the consequences. The more friends you can trust with this (and perhaps even your own therapist, seperate from the marriage counselor) the chances of him making you crazy decrease. Also, no matter what he tells you, spend lots of time with friends and family, away from him. They are your connection to reality. You can have fun with friends who don't know about his behavior, and those who do. Do things that help you feel self-actualized, and raise your self-esteem. Nothing sucks away your self-esteem faster than a N tendencies.
Relationships with N tendencies can also have abusive tendencies.
I read in your post that you want to present this all to him honestly. That's a good approach. Always be honest. (unless you are afraid for your safety, then please make yourself safe) Also, get a counselor who understands narcissistic tendencies, and you will probably need to go to a man. Chances of him lisetening to a woman are slim.
Marriage counseling was pretty ineffective for us. So be prepared for it not to work. It will depend on how open he is to seeing his faults... He will probably do a good bit of blaming you for them.
If marriage counseling doesn't help, be sure to be in therapy yourself. I learned bunches of ways to ignore (and stop enforcing) bad behavior, and to reinforce good behavior. Also read books like, "the Solo Partner" and "Why does he Do that: Inside the minds of Angry Abusive men" by Lundy Bancroft, and bell hooks, "All About Love." I also read, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" These helped me to articulate what was happening, and validated my experience... That was important.
If you are going to stay, the big thing will be setting rigid boundaries, and not budging. ie: If you treat me like... I will not...
I am in year three of my marriage. The first two years were very difficult because I was removed from my support system, and he was my link to reality (well, a sad version of reality). For two years, I became depressed. I was really confused because he said he loved me and he behaved otherwise. Nothing was "severe" (although now that I look back on it with a healthy mindset I think it was "severe"). But then, I denied to myself that I was being abused and I thought it was my fault and my job to change things. I thought I would leave if it got "bad." (and I did leave). Leaving was vital to my health. I needed to be away from him and surrouned by support in order to climb out of the hole. Then, I went back with stronger boundaries, and healthy minset. I contined to increase my own circle of support and my life outside of him (no matter how he complained).
He has been much nicer and more sensitive in the 4 months I have been back. However he still has tendencies toward triangulation... (they are just not as severe as they used to be) So, my marriage is still a tightrope. But I feel I can walk it. Because I have seen improvement, and I have a lot of support and help. Now, with a clear mind, I look back on the past two years (which took such a toll on my health) and I wish I could go back in time and kidnap myself.
I do love my husband. He can be wonderful. But nothing is worth the sacrafices I have made for this marriage. And yet I remain married to him. I continue to walk the tightrope. It is hard. I continue to believe that he is changing and will change. Sometimes what happens to people, (like being left by a wife) makes them think (if they are not full on NPD).
Best to you Susanna... I would write more about my story, but I am trying to pump out some final papers. It is hard to know what to say without knowing the particulars, so this advice comes from my experience.
Peace, jenny
