Progress for Juno aka Pennyplant

[Juno]

About six weeks ago I called my workplace's Employee Assistance Program and requested counseling for my depression.  Nothing particularly big had happened to motivate me.  Just over a period of some weeks I had slowly come to accept that I wasn't getting better and had run out of ideas to try.  I had run out of emotions.  I had thought about the same things over and over again for long enough.  I had all the classic symptoms of depression.  Every time the Cymbalta commercial came on TV, that was me in the couch in the dingy sweatshirt with messy hair.  Head in hands.  Vacant eyes.  I could "perform" at work out of habit.  But at home I was basically useless.

So, I have finished week five of Cymbalta (a test run of free samples given me by my doctor) and have been back to the doctor for a follow up.  She gave me a three month prescription and another appointment in October for a complete work up and re-reevaluation of the Cymbalta.

My second counseling appointment is tomorrow.

I feel better.  Much, much less anxiety.  More energy.  Stomach feels better.  I think I look better.  And what I mean by that is--I look the same but I like more of what I see.

I feel less panicky.  More willing to do things.  Less hard on myself for not meeting arbitrary goals.

The doctor asked me if the house looked better.  I said, well..... the yard looks better, I've felt like gardening. 

I haven't put this much effort into my gardens in a few years.  They have a ways to go but that doesn't feel discouraging at all.  It does feel kind of funny to want to go out there and weed.  To have something of a plan to bring them up to par.  It has been a long time since I have felt that way!

Sleeping has improved somewhat.  It is easier to get myself out of bed at the various times I need to wake up each day.  And I'm dreaming again.

I'm starting to overcome my disdain and contempt for a particular co-worker.  I still don't like her or trust her and have no interest in being friends on any level.  But it seems I'm setting up good boundaries and being triggered hardly at all.  Dwelling on it less.  Wow, does that take away a decent amount of stress.

For a couple of weeks I had been obsessing about my next counseling session.  What would I talk about that would make a difference?  That wouldn't make her think I was an idiot and therefore not be able to form a good working relationship with me?  Where would I start?  At the beginning?  Or work backwards?  Talk about the death of my father which triggered my most serious depression?  Talk about the crushes?  I couldn't decide.

Now my appointment is just about here and I feel hardly worried about it at all.  It doesn't seem so all or nothing to me.

Today I have a social activity.  I'm actually looking forward to it.  Boy, if I can really become a relaxed person, people might start to feel more comfortable with me.

Now I can look back and see just how serious the depression became.  And for how long I have been depressed.  Much, much longer than I realized.  I have to question a lot of things now. 

I think that if I can continue to not be triggered by people, that might be the thing that frees me the most.  And being rid of the anxiety.  Anxiety has been with me for most of my life and I didn't think of it that way.  I just thought I was always under stress.  You know, things from the outside.  And there was that.  But at the same time, the anxiety was lurking just below the surface.  Something from the inside.

I've been checking in here every day but only posting a tiny bit.  I've read several recent threads which show a great deal of growth has been occurring among us.  I hope that's what's in store for me too. 

Also seeing several people here reaching out even though they probably feel vulnerable.  I finally had to reach out too and it looks like it was the right time to do such a thing.  I think it's going to work.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm so thankful for your improvements.  Having suffered so much depression for somany years I know all to welll how debilitating it can be.   So I am very happy that you have made significant progress.  Thanks for sharing it here.

[Izzy_*now*]

Wow Juno/PP
Maybe you could do a commercial for Cymbalta (well if you can scrunch your post to 30 seconds, maybe 60)

That is great sounding news. Life is so much better, relaxed and worry-free. Worry-free from what others think, because we are all entitled to our own ways in what we say and do ( in nice ways, of course.) Prescriptions can be pricey, so get all the samples you can. Whatever though, as long as you need them, use them and the time might come to lessen your dosage, or you could be on for the rest of your life. I am on forever, and will take a supply into the afterlife, depending on if someone is there who drives me nuts, and always did, here on earth. One of mine is still under patent, so not covered by my plan and costs me $170.48/mo. When the patent expires, a generic one can be made and will likely be covered. Meanwhile.............

There are so many people on anti-depressants and in therapy. Both are booming businesses because the world and people have just gone crazy.

Hang in there. You are doing great!
Best
Izzy

[Overcomer]

Juno-I guess we are the cymbalta twins.  It makes me tolerate my mom but I do not like this nagging feeling of discontent.  It is no longer depression but it seems flat to me.  My emotions are not down or up-do not like the bla feeling.  Do you feel this way?

[Juno]

SS--I think it is hard for people who haven't had serious depression to understand how it can be such a disability.  I get angry when I hear people or the media complain about how many people take anti-depressants.  Like it is just a fix-all and they are too weak to pull themselves up on their own.  This illness was taking away my life.  And the medicine isn't a quick fix.  It is what will allow me to do the hard work of understanding and healing and growing.  I tried it without help and it wasn't working.  I was getting worse.  It's good to have people here who understand.

Izzy--I agree that I am not worrying about what other people think now.  That is a huge relief.  It was quite a burden all my life worrying about such things.  My worry kept people away I think.  I'm sure I have seemed worried and uptight and nobody wants to deal with that.  I expect I will be on some kind of medication for a very, very long time.  I hope it is affordable.  Tomorrow I will go and get my first month filled.  We have good insurance but not sure how good.  I was on Prozac over ten years ago and stopped because of the expense.  But then I ended up quitting my job and having budget problems that way.  So, this time I think I can't afford to go off it.

OC--What was happening with me was my emotions had become flat except for the anxiety.  I had no enthusiasm for anything.  No joy.  No sadness.  Couldn't cry.  I still don't feel like crying.  But I feel satisfaction and some enthusiasm now.  The anxiety is mostly gone or at a very low manageable level.  I feel a little more playful.  I don't really feel joy, but hopefully that will come after I make some progress with the counseling.

I kind of don't trust my emotions yet.  Before when I felt strongly about something--now I'm wondering if my feelings were accurate.  Anxiety was always in the mix.  And when I was so unbelievably happy in 2002 because of that crush--well, now I think that was artificial.  That I was addicted and it was a mask for depression all along.  I think what is going to happen, just a guess at this point, is that I will be discovering and learning about what my real emotions feel like.  I have some anticipation about that but also some patience.  This just feels like a quiet time.  It doesn't feel flat to me now because that is how I felt before.

Maybe this time period feels flat to you because of what came before.  I think I may have waited almost too long to go on medication.  I had gone beyond the anger and frustration and desire to make my life different and had almost given up.  I was spending much of my spare time in bed.  You went from the anger and frustration to medication.  More of a contrast.  Or maybe a different pill would work better for you. 

I feel like I am at the beginning of better times.  They might be quieter but I think they will be realer. It sure can't be any worse than how I was feeling before.  That was kind of scary it felt so empty and hopeless.

[gratitude28]

Juno,
I really hope both your therapist and your doctor understand the need for you to continue with the medicine. I think some of us just need it. I can totally relate to the panic (I felt like there was a faceless monster at my back, invisible and chasing me through all my obligations). I was unable to appreciate even the sweetest moment. And I loved the feeling of beginning to calm down and understand that my life was not going to be of outlandish concern to anyone... that I could relax and just be a person who needed some help - like a billion other people out there. If you had a disease, you wouldn't hesitate to ask for help. Thankfully, people are starting to realize depression is like a disease. It needs treatment.
I am so glad to hear you coming back (and maybe going beyond where you have ever been). You are a fabulous person, and now even you will be able to see it.
Love, Beth

[Juno]

Thanks, Beth.  I feel very supported!

My counseling appointment went well today.  I think she is going to be very helpful.  There are so many things to work on.  A little at a time.  No pressure.

It's interesting you mentioned about the doctor and therapist understanding my need to stay on the medicine--what about the insurance company???  It never occurred to me they might have something to say about it.  When I went to fill my prescription a little while ago, the pharmacist was told that they needed prior approval from Blue Cross before filling it.  So, he called my doctor and they are working on their end of it.

So, I went to the doctor as I had run out of samples.  They gave me another month of it.  I asked if this was common for the ins. company to do as it had never happened to me before.  She said yes, it happens all the time.  And they might not even agree to cover Cymbalta.  If that happens, they will call the ins. co. and ask, What WILL they cover?!?!?

Isn't that something?  Insurance companies are even more powerful than I realized.

I hope they just go along with what I am already on.

Anyway..... I feel very hopeful.  It seems like I have found a counselor who I can work well with.  And my doctor and her staff have been very nice and helpful--my worries ahead of time were for nothing.

I feel like I have turned a corner.

[sKePTiKal]

Juno - what you've said about the insurance company is sadly too prevalent in our health care system.
In effect, they're limiting what treatment your doctors may order - practicing medicine without a license, is more accurate, in my opinion. Some people don't tolerate generics or substitutions for certain drugs, well.

I'm glad to hear you're doing better! My fingers are crossed that the insurance company approves...

[Juno]

Yeah, PR, when the nurse told me that--I said, so doctors can't even make their own decisions????  All that knowledge doctors have (and they know us personally) and then some adjuster in Chicago has the power to say what medicine I can really use.  Just not logical.

LOL.  I must quit trying to make sense of the world!!!!!

Thank you for your support, PR.  This is the most hopeful I've felt in a long time.

[Certain Hope]

((((((((PP))))))))    

Biggest grins I've had all day, just reading you here.

I can't say it any better than Beth:   

You are a fabulous person, and now even you will be able to see it.

EXACTLY!!

God is blessing and keeping you : )

With love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

Thank you, Carolyn!  It sure will be different for me to like who I see in the mirror.  A long time coming.

[LilyCat]

Juno,

It is so wonderful to hear you write that you are doing so much better. That's great!!

Just wanted to encourage you to keep up the good work. Depression is very difficult but anti-depressants can really help. However, as you've indicated, they're not the entire answer.

So glad for you.

LilyCat

[Juno]

Thank you, LC!

Yes, medication is just part of it--not even half of it.  I think the counseling is going to have to be somewhat long-term--got my fingers crossed on insurance coverage, etc.

My first appointment with the counselor was about 6 weeks ago.  I was a wreck!  It seems like on some level I have decided not to fall back on my usual over-achiever act in this situation.  Just walking into her office brought out a mild panic attack.  Then I couldn't get started with what I wanted to say because I was overwhelmed and couldn't decide where to start.  I told her I had thought she would ask me questions!  I was all over the place and had a hard time even looking at her because she resembles an old N boss who still gives me anxiety. 

Somehow or other my defenses don't really work in her office!  When I'm at home in my comfort zone or at work on automatic pilot I can wonder--what ever will I talk about there?  I feel okay--maybe I have resolved things afterall!

Then I'm sitting in there and I spill it!  Yesterday was my second appointment.  She started out with more structure this time.  Explained more of what to expect with the Cymbalta, and asked specifics about how I was doing on the meds.

I was more coherent this week but, once again, once I got started, all kinds of stuff came out and I found myself crying over things from 30 years ago--things that I thought I was kind of okay with.  But also things I hadn't really cried about back when it happened.  Apparently I can just simmer along most of the time with this stuff pushed way, way back into some forgotten cupboard that is stuck shut.  Then in the privacy of that little office of hers, the door comes loose and everything falls off the shelves.  Like a tiny little earthquake in my brain.

She has picked up already on my trouble with limits and boundaries.  She advised me on how to slow down and calm myself and not feel rushed to get everything out all at once.  To take my time.

I think she is interested in my story, which helps.  Also, she has been doing this for twenty years.  I said to her at the end, how long have you been doing this?  I presume you have had a normal life, and she kind of smiled at that one, and I said it was easier to talk about these things with an experienced person who I didn't have to explain so much to.  She replied that she has heard many women's stories.

I said at one point that I hoped to get rid of certain parts of me and she said some of it might be good to keep, that it might serve an important purpose.  I never thought of it that way.

There is some potential here to learn some new stuff.

[Juno]

Blue Cross's policy regarding Cymbalta:

They won't pay for Cymbalta until I have tried and failed with or had a bad reaction to at least two of the "First Line" generics.  They then listed about six examples of "First Line" generics.

So, I called my doctor's office and they hadn't heard back yet--I received a letter in today's mail so that is how I found out.  We are going to try sertraline which is Zoloft.  I looked it up and it covers depression, panic attacks, OCD and PTSD.  Hopefully, it will work as well as or even better than the Cymbalta.

This is the kind of thing that normally would make me furious and upset because of the phone calls back and forth, change of plans, etc.  Now I just figure, I'll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick it up and try it.  Baby steps.

Has anyone here been on Zoloft or sertraline?  Any pointers?  Similarity to Cymbalta?

And on a side-note:  On Monday I had mentioned to my counselor that my father had diagnosed himself with Aspergers just before he died.  Yesterday I got out the book he had been reading when he came up with that idea.  There is a four part test in the back of the book and he had taken it and added up his scores.  I had not looked at it until yesterday. 

His scores were typical for Aspergers in all four categories.  That kind of blew me away when I saw that.  I wouldn't listen to him at the time and didn't really want to talk about it with him. 

It's funny but he was only relieved when he learned about this.  It took a large burden off his mind to find this out about himself.  It explained everything about his life and it gave him some peace.

And it sure explains a lot about my FOO and my life, too.  This is the parent I had the most genuine bond with.

[cats paw]

Hi Juno,

  Just wanted to say how glad I am for you that you're progressing, and thanks for giving an update.

  It felt good just reading about your therapist, that she is interested in your story.  It be comforting to have somone say to take your time, especially when there's so much to talk about.

  I'm glad you've got a place where everything can fall off the shelves in safety.

  Good luck with the Zoloft.  Don't get me started about insurance companies, but yes, you are right.  It could work just as well for you- and I like what you said-even better than Cymbalta.

cats paw