The Other Shoe Dropped

[Lupita]

Well Hops, we are all here praying for you and you have not updated us.

How is everything going?

Are you OK?

Let us know.

The truth will prevail.

[towrite]

It hurts me to see him try to demean you so.

[Overcomer]

Hops:  Can you call your brother and calmly ask to talk without lawyers?  Maybe you could come to some kind of agreement?  Maybe the fact that you defied him made him attack you.  Maybe he truly feels you are not doing the best job?  Maybe he is just an ass........in any event, better to be on good terms when your mom finally passes than to have a war after........

[Hopalong]

Hi Kel...
Nah, I'm past wanting to speak to him (or see him ever again). I'll forgive him at some point and as we get older maybe take pity.

But I cared for both our parents for years and mom for 10 to my detriment, and he's used my weaknesses (legion, but not wicked) to try to tear my life apart.

I think he's beyond "ass". He's half crazy. A sociopathic malignant narcissist bully.

He did go to the prosecutor's office today and they made him go see his lawyer, who told my lawyer that he was "trying to regain control of his client". My brother is paranoid. He is a pitiable person, but he has caused so much damage. I do feel very badly for his wife and my niece and nephews...

But I never want to see him again, really. He stole from me, lied to me, I forgave all that...but when he talked to about 12 people telling them I had abused my mother -- he went too far. (He also went after my daughter, in a way.)

He's done enough.

And thanks, everyone, for caring. I really felt it and it really heartened me. I just am so weary I don't think I can give you the blow by blow. For now, anyway, things appear to be postponed again. So he's caused enormous chaos and tumult and pain and nothing's been accomplished.

I think he'll leave me alone for a while. Until he can't stand it any more. Ugh. (But the lawyers are all on to him. And I made a police report. So I don't think he can cause me as much harm as he'd like to.)

love
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Hiya hops

So I don't think he can cause me as much harm as he'd like to.[/size]

That is very good to hear because no one ought be able to wreak such havoc on a human being and come out smelling like a rose.
He has gone too far and judges and lawyers will know it.

Just sit quietly by as it slows down to   a      d u  l  l          r       o       a      r.

The thing is that"WE" know and we know that a highter power knows, so we wait.......

Love
Izzy

[lighter]

(((Hops)))

I hope you're still finding comfort in your garden.

Light

[Hopalong]

Thank you so much again, everybody.
I fear leaving someone out but I am very touched by each of your voices -- so much compassion and heart and comfort.

AMAZONS again!

I do feel better. My lawyer literally was laughing about my brother at one point. Sad, but he was perceiving the puffed-up ridiculousness. The other night when I was walking my dog around the block my brother came up behind us in his big black truck...I don't think he expected to see us out, and he suddenly sped past and ran a stop sign in his eagerness to get away.

I actually feel sorry for him in his paranoia.

Greed IS ugly. But I have to say I'm not immune. My Nmother toyed with me about the house for so many years, using it as power just as I felt most vulnerable, laid off, struggling to find a decent job, living in her very very expensive little town, and she always saying, oh you'll be fine...and I know the truth is I have felt greed too.

There's been no moral perfection in me. I have felt hatred for my mother and I was furious with her for toying with me about whether I'd be able to stay here. Finally, she tired of the game...but not before one last round.

Bottom line is, I can probably hang on here. But she made it so much harder than it needed to be. And she gaslighted and triangulated and potstirred to a point that at times I felt with her on one side and my brother lurking on the other...I'd never survive being her caregiver.

As weird and hard as all this has been, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

And Tuesday, our interim minister moves in to the lower part of the house. It will be comforting to have kind people downstairs. And not bother me a bit.

At some point, my brother will have to go away and attend to his own life in Chicago. I don't know if he's in town now. He may be for another few days, but I'll never know...

One thing. He'll have to come back in December for the new hearing or he's going to be out of luck, I think.

The saddest thing is what this has done to his own family -- his wife and daughter have to put up with his ranting and I know it's been terrible for them. I remember when my D was very small, one time my SIL called me in tears and said she'd discovered my brother had been sleeping with prostitutes while he was on the road and going to topless bars and she was devastated and asked me what she should do.

I said, LEAVE HIM, Sally. And she coudln't, because she felt she'd be betraying her religion.

I am very sorry for them.

love
Hops

[lighter]

I'm so glad to hear you'll have a stable source of support (emotional and financial) sharing your home.

It concerns me that your brother's lurking in your area, driving erratically and becoming less stable.

That any involved laughs at this behavior, is upsetting.

(((Hops)))

Lighter

[towrite]

There's been no moral perfection in me. I have felt hatred for my mother and I was furious with her for toying with me about whether I'd be able to stay here.

I love this quote from you. I read something similar recently. I feel the same way. Had a big fight with my NM yesterday on the phone and I finally am able to just let it fly in the face of her cruelty and N-ism. I don't care anymore. I have to face the fact that her N-ism is getting more pronounced as progressive dementia sets in.

[Hopalong]

Got the missive from his lawyer today, and the hearing is set for Dec. 5th.
I will finish rebuttal of his poison "document" and keep on plugging.

I did something unplanned today and had a panic attack when I got home.
I don't know why, but when my mother and I were sitting in the private courtyard, I told her what had been happening.

She didn't get terribly upset but was obviously distressed. And she said very supportive things and it felt like validation. She knew ... on some level, she always knew. And she said, would you like me to speak to your lawyer? I was touched but also felt like a jerk for telling her. So I came home and had chest pain because I felt guilty.

Still, she was calm about it and told me how sorry she was, and that he'd always been troubled, and, "You just don't DO that to your sister!" In an odd way I was comforted, because I felt she was showing me a little love.

The minister has moved in downstairs and it's comforting to glance down the hall and see him pecking away at a sermon. I'm careful not to disturb him and am intentionally keeping boundaries, I don't wish to burden him. But I'm so glad he's staying here. His wife, a retired hospice nurse, joins him next week.

And my old pooch is delighted to have the company, and they like dogs. They are my guests now, until all this house stuff is resolved (it can't be a money earning property). But I told him they can give me a $20 now and then toward utilities.

My brother may not like it, but there's no law that I can't have guests in my home.

Oy. I am drained. But one day at a time.

It's as hard as going through divorce. In a way, worse...because he is malevolent. Neither husband wanted to harm me when we broke up. But he clearly does.

Ugh. Pray or semaphore for me, and ifyou keep a calendar, please put Hops in court on Dec. 5.

I feel I haven't been good support for anybody here for weeks, and I'm sorry. I promise I will again when I find my footing.

Meanwhile, gratefully, with love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I am glad for you for so many things.  don't worry about being there for people here right now.  You need to draw in close and be there fore yourself. I have often cycled in and out of being in need of help and being able to help.  We can't be in both places at once.  That is one of the great values of this place to me - that I can receive when i need and give when I have something to give.  Now is a receiving time for you so take in what we have to give and you will be renewed and have plenty to give at another time.

Whatever I can offer to relieve you of your guilt concerning your conversation with your mother I give.  You were right to share that with her and she was right to actually offer comfort.  Let it soak in to your bones.  She is old and infirm but she is now and always has been your mother and she has offered too little mothering across the years. She was a true mother today - and when you deeply needed it.  Take it in.  Let her be your mother at long, long last.  You deserve it and she deserves to be a mother - for a moment - no matter how late in life.

my heart and my thoughts are with you.  Dec 5 is on my calendar.  I won't forget because it is just days before my little boy's birthday.  I am holding out and believing that the results will be a true Christmas gift for you.  Sending love and good will and courage to you.

(btw what is semaphore?)

[Leah]

((( Hops )))

Sincerely sorry to know the latest regarding he who shall not be named.

Please know that you are in my thoughts, and my prayers.

Love,

Leah

[ann3]

Oh Hops,

So sorry.  Would it help you if she spoke to your lawyer? 

I know you have been placed in this very, very painful position, but, please don't forget that she put you in this position.  IMO, grab any help she can give you (if it's truly helpful to you) & spritz yourself with some 'guilt-be gone'.

As far as bro, put up that force field boundary, like a bank teller behind plexi glass & when he pushes malevolence thru the slot, push it back, so it doesn't touch you.

love,
ann

[lighter]

::adding wood::

Remember self care rituals, Hops.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

SS, Leah, Ann, Lighter...

Thank you very much.

I'm almost embarrassed to post because I'm so self-absorbed right now. I truly am sorry I've been so little help lately. The BIG posts, that resonate deeply (and as usual, there are so many) ... I can't comment on effectively. It's as though my brain's in a vaccum cleaner bag. Too much dust. But I'll clean up my mind eventually and try again.

Meanwhile, you must be so sick of hearing about it!

I am overwhelmed with sudden bills that are all my responsibility. The interim minsiter, a very sweet man, has moved in downstairs...but I can't accept any rent from him because my brother made it legally impossible. It may be next year. (Meanwhile, the minister is a help, a comfort to my pooch, and a very good presence. We don't interact a lot but I'm so grateful he's down there. He will contribute toward utilities because any long-term guest can do that...but I will not take any rent if it will jeopardize the Medicaid application for Mom, which is now delayed by months.)

Oh well, I'll spare you (and myself) the bureaucratic details. But I have to rebut a big document full of lies and distortions within a week, and it's daunting.

It's...
tada...
PAPERWORK with huge ramifications, and involves math besides (did I ever mention I'm math phobic?).

Thanks for listening...
love to all,
Hops