Am I Crazy??

[Overcomer]

Over the years I have lived with discontent.  I always seem to choose bad men.  I keep reliving the stupid decisions from my past.  My current H is an alcoholic, was verbally abusive for the entire first year of our marriage until I put a stop to it.  He is boring, etc.  So I had a dream about a boyfriend from 30 years ago.  I know I hurt him (I would drink and then do stupid things like take off with another guy......) but I also know I was his first love.  After we broke up (HE broke up with me because he just couldn't trust me..............he COULD have trusted me if I didn't drink...............but back then the stupid Kelly would come out after I drank......)

Anyway, I have been thinking about him a lot.  I called my friend to get the scoop on him.  I have googled him, etc.  So yesterday I called his work and told the secretary that I was trying to find him for our reunion (half truth - we ARE having a reunion but I already knew his address.....).  She called him and told him I called and just three minutes after I hung up with her he called me back.

I was shook up.  We made nice and basically we talked about how old we are, etc.  But my heart skipped a beat talking to him.  My goal was to talk to him so I would plant the Kelly seed in his mind.  I am hoping for the rest of the day he remembered our first moments together (very romantic, 18 year old kids........I think I took his virginity away!!!)  Anyway..........am I crazy???  I know his wife hates me because she knows I was his first love and that I held a special place in his heart.  Every time we have seen each other since we broke up there was always something there.  I hadn't seen him for months after we broke up and we passed each other at a friends house (he was leaving, I was coming....)  we stopped and there was electricity.  Even at our 10 year class reunion (I was there with my h and he with his wife....) when we went to take the picture of the class only, somehow in 300 people, we ended up standing next to each other and TOTALLY joking and laughing......obviously we LIKED each other..........

So my goal is to see if there is something there.  Maybe not.  Maybe he is a man with honor and he would stay true to his wife.  Me?  I would drop kick my h in a moment......

Is this just another thing I do to try to find that elusive happiness??

[Gaining Strength]

Not crazy - in great need of being loved.  We all need love.  BUT - step back just a little and see into the future.  Your need for love and your radar for a possible source has eliminated your vision of all the destruction and pain that this course could cause. 

There are other ways to get what you need and deserve.  I know it must not seem so.  But this way would cause enormous pain for so many and in the end would not give the comfort and love that you really deserve.

Just a thought - but you are not crazy!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 You are not crazy. You have normal feelings.
 However, the situation  is no solution, other than a way to bring MORE craziness in to your life and more heartache and sorrow.
 It is your pain and fear talking and your desperation at what your life has become. I understand this all very well, but it is not a solution, Kelly.It is a bubble that will pop.
 Hope I have not been too blunt,but a friend calls it as she sees it.                           Ami

[sKePTiKal]

DANGER - DANGER - WILL ROGERS!

Oh Kelly - I have been in your shoes. I have followed through... and I think SS is right. It's your immediate need for real love and attention doing the "thinking". It was what motivated me, for sure. It's never a good idea to "go back"... in my experience. Somehow old patterns re-emerge... the same old problems...

you might want to address your current hubby before taking on another relationship. I always tell my girls when they complain (legitimately) about their guys: the only thing worse than a man in your life - is two.

[Juno]

Hi Kelly--I am someone who has had those kinds of feelings most of my life for someone or other.  And I have a pretty terrific husband, too. 

The feelings are real, the chemistry is real, but the rest of it is a fantasy or an escape.  And, with me anyway, the fantasy part of it is all about me and my disappointment or frustration with the rest of my life.  It's not about what other people are doing to me. 

IMO it is better in the long run to do things in the traditional order.  Each of you needs to be legally and emotionally available at the same time for this to have even half a chance.  Even in the midst of these emotions--I'm in favor of being logical and practical first.  I know how really, really hard that is.  But overwhelming emotions are more likely to wreck it than waiting awhile and getting yourself  dis-entangled..

I wish I could say something different--but I don't want to encourage something that I really think won't work out for the best for you.  Going for it now is bound to lead to more pain for you, not less.

[Overcomer]

Hello Everyone!!  Well, the ball is in his court anyway......I guarantee he will not do anything about it.......part of me wishes that I find out he and his wife are heading for divorce court......It is not like I want to wreck his family......I just regret what I did to him and would like to apologize.............the old AA twelve step thing......only they tell you to not make amends if it will make things worse.  I don't know.  Maybe I am living in la-la land thinking that just once in my life I could grab the golden ring.  I could wish for something and it would come true.  I could be happy in love and life.  I know, I know, this is just a dream and who knows?  I would probably be jumping from the frying pan and into the fire.  This is something I always do.  Jump first and then think later.

BUT I JUST WANT TO BE IN LOVE!!  I WANT TO LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH AND KNOW THAT THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH TOO.  That feeling of not getting enough of each other.  Yes, with my present h I just want to get away from him.  There is no "can't eat, can't sleep, head over heals in love" feeling with him.....

It is a fantasy, plain and simple.  I did this once before.  I started emailing my first love.  I carried a torch for him for all these years.  I met him after 25 years and we spent the entire weekend together in the same hotel room.  There was not one ounce of energy between us.  The love I had carried for him for all those years poofed in an instant.  It was sad because the thought of the love I had with him was so huge - but it went away.  I believe the same thing might happen with this guy.  But boy, would I like to find out.  I would not regret leaving my h for him.  But would it devastate his family?  His kids are grown......I dunno.  I have heard they have an ok marriage......better than mine for sure......

[Juno]

BUT I JUST WANT TO BE IN LOVE!!  I WANT TO LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH AND KNOW THAT THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH TOO.

Oh, lots of us want this--it feels so good.  It makes us feel alive--in a good way.

[cats paw]

Kelly,

  From what I've read, there is no way that the crazy, urgent kind of love is sustained forever, no matter how delicious it feels.

  I discussed this with my H before we got married, and even before it ever happened I was sad about it, but I think I was wiser because I anticipated the changes and stages of a relationship.  

  You have gotten excellent feedback, and you yourself identified that a prior torch poofed in an instant.

   I hope that for your sake, your husband's sake, and your kids' sake that you can find the path you need to go as far as your marriage, whether that is together or apart.  As everyone says, first things first.  Integrity is the foremost of firsts, as tt said.

   It's a shame that your H seems to be in love with alcohol.  I pray that he will realize what a cruel mistress he is choosing.  It doesn't mean, however, that it has anything at all to do with your desirability.  It's hard to realize , but please try to get that.

   Unless he gets into recovery, alcohol will be his mistress, his master, and his demise.  I feel very badly for him.

Best to both of you-

cats paw

[Overcomer]

Yeah.  I understand why they say second marriages last even less than first.  We have no children in common.  He has never been a father so his only alliance is with Budweiser.  He does choose this as his mistress.  That and the dog.  He loves them both.  Me?  He tolerates.  I do not even tolerate him.  I hate him a lot.  The thought of the old boyfriend is what I want.........

[cats paw]

   I think there is a lot behind the thought that points to what you want.  What realistic things are attainable, that hide behind that thought?  I ask myself this question a lot, when I start lamenting that I'm not younger.

cp

[Overcomer]

Well, thanks to you all for slapping me in the face and waking me up!!   I know, I know, I realize what I do.  I did a very similar thing when I married my h.  I wanted so badly to get away from my mom and work.  I felt trapped.  So after my h and I started dating I set the whole scenario up.  I found another job.  We get married and go on our honeymoon.  Then when I am gone for two weeks for training, I have a built in babysitter in my new husband.  Problem.  He had never been a parent.  I got home.  The house was trashed.  There was dog poop everywhere.  He was asleep at 8 pm when I got home.  Did I set everything up so it would work?  I thought so but one month into the scenario I had quit my new job and went back to work with my mom.  Now I had to deal with a loser new h AND working with my mom.  So I had it all planned out but HE didn't step up to the plate.

I can see what you say CB.  Oh yes, I could set the whole thing up and probably make it happen.  I could keep calling him and drop little hints about dreaming about him and how I really messed things up 30 years ago and he would probably eventually go for it.  If not an affair, maybe an emotional entanglement.  But then I would have to deal with MY h and HIS wife and it would be a mess.  I could set it up all the way to how it would end..............and then the ending would play itself out and it would not be the way I had envisioned it.

So better to wait.  Wait until later.  Figure out how I am going to make it without my h......I could ask my mom if she would help me.......but then again I am involving her in my life too much................or I could put an ultimatum on my h.  Either you get help or I WILL FILE foR divorce!!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 CB's advice was very good, I thought, also. It is good advice for anyone ,really. I am glad that you got a little detachment and came to your senses, a little. It is really hard to face the mess we have made of our lives, but it was not really our fault. We had such faulty messages that we had an unworkable map.       Love   Ami

[debkor]

Hey Kell,

I had the opportunity to meet at a function with my first love once...Yes my heart did flips...I was divorced..he was not...And yes he would have went for it with me...was clear about that..to all there..including his wife...

See Kelly..those memories of him will always be special..*first love* and what I called my *comfort thought pillow*  but just memories and ones that you could pull up when your feeling so shitty...and dream..what would it have been like...*if*

And got the opportunity to come into *reality* with him...and saw... WTF....memories my love..my first real love b/f....and then years later....reality.....A CHEATER...who would Cheat on his wife...with me....exactly what I got rid of...

I was only thinking of him back then...and Now.. was way different....What you see is what you get....and I would have got a Cheater...and I would have been an intruder in his marriage ....I don't care if he had the worst marriage in the world...you just don't go where you do not belong.....and oh hell I did not want someone who would cheat on their wife...

It would have been different if I was divorced and he was divorced and we got together...but the together would most definitely not been the same as when I was 19....you can't go back you can only go forward....and the forward I had seen...was a person who was...a Cheater......so yes, things were not the same.....and I would have been getting what I got rid of.

So my memories are my memories and they were nice and fun and special at the age of 19...and that is it......because now is not then...and I didn't like what I saw and who he had become...

Your just having *comfy memory thoughts* when you need to go back and feel comfort....just memories Kelly...Leave them where they are...for they are yours and always will be special to you...back then.....Not now....and they were real then as the reality now....and that is that you are both not available....it's just a quick fix...nice memory for you Kell....We all have them....

You are just digging into your memory *comfort zone* something that made you feel good....and that is alright...but then is then.

Love
Deb

[Overcomer]

I am taking your advise.  I have told my h that he either quits drinking or I want a divorce.  Of course, he has finished most of a six pack already so he is being irrational.  He wants to shave his gotee and listen to Journey...........I gave him the ultimatum.....now I will enforce it!

[Lupita]

When the same mistake is made several times and there is no learning, there is a pattern of behavior, a pattern or repetitive behavior, self-fulfeeling prophesy.

The neediness is the worst companion a woman can have.

I am trying to get rid of my neediness, but it is difficult.

When you have and adventure, endorfines come out and you feel better, but it is only that, like a drug, or like a bandaid or put chuegome on a licking roof.

The effects pass over and the moral hangover is even worse.

Everybody has given you wonderful advise. I will be praying for you that you make the right decision.

God bless you.