Wish I could get over this N stuff

[sunblue]

It seems like the damage of being raised in an N family follows me wherever I go.  I started a job after a long search about 5 months ago and it is truly an earthyly form of hell---largely due to a N boss who is of the "mean" variety of narcissists.

But yesterday, I forced myself to accept an invitation from one of my coworkers who was having a small get together at her  home. There were about 5 of us and all were pleasant co-workers and shared in my work-related pain. But I also felt, as usual, like I didn't fit in.  It sort of pointed to how alone I was.  Two of the other four were involved in committed relationships.  The other two weren't but their lives were filled with really good friends.  THey all had specific plans for this weekend while I didn't.  It also struck me that none of them even mentioned their FOO families.  I envied that as I seem to be focused on mine, no matter what I try to do

Even though the day was pleasant enough and I was a little proud that I forced myself to do it (since generally my depression prevents me from doing so), it also reminded me of how empty my life is....While it seems that on occasion these "moments" occur when others include me, for the most part, my efforts at finding others in my life never turn out.  Other people always seem to be their priority.

I guess I was just feeling sad....but also a bit envious that they literally don't give their families a thought.  Perhaps it is also because growing up in the N family I did, even though my family was and is incredibly dysfunctional and narcissistic, my N and co-D parents also stressed that family was "important" and kept us all isolated from any other relationships---no family friends, no extended family, no one else invited in our home.

Perhaps that has lifelong effects.....I don't know...I guess it's left me feeling pretty hopeless.....Nothing good just ever seems to pop into my life...and I'm beginning to think that will always be the case.

[Gaining Strength]

Sunblue - I hear the despair in your voice and comiserate.  I share those feelings you express but I want to tell you that I believe there is hope. 

As I have worked hard to overcome the pain of growing up in an N FOO I am learning that what happened to me had a profound effect on my experience and the way I viewed others.  As I have begun healing that darkness has shifted and haw opened up a place for others in my life.

It is difficult to describe but I am going to give it a shot as I want you to have a vision that things can be different.

You wrote, "Nothing good just ever seems to pop into my life..."  I have lived for a very long time waiting for things to "pop" into my life.  Good things appeared to "pop" into other's lives - why not me.  As I heal I am learning that my perspective and my resentment have much - so much to do with this barrier.  My experience of N father actually taught me to resent others.  It was very, very subtle and for years I was in denial of how resentful I was.  As I tuned into it I found that I could actually shift out of resentment fairly easily if I was willing to acknowledge it.  I am resentful about much and legitimately so.  BUT it keeps me from moving forward.

The shift is simple but it requires a willingness to do it.  That is not small.  One thing that helped me keep the willingness was that I was completely exhausted and tired of the dark, negative drain of the resentment.  So I committed myself to unearthing my resentment and when I found it shifting it.  Here's an example.  I am extremely resentful of being left out of social activities that I once was included in AND I am extremely resentful of living in a yucky house while seeing others live in beautiful homes with lovely furnishings.  I was completely unaware that in years past I was resentful and SHOWED it to everyone and anyone around - criticizing and belittling people who had what I wanted.  Only thing is I even denied that I was jeolous.  Well now I know and now what I do when I catch myself slipping into that horrible feeling of resentment is I say to myself, "I feel resentful that my old friends are having a party and I'm not included but I am glad that they are having fun and I plan to have such a fun party one day soon."  When someone I know buys a fabulous house, I tell myself, "I am jealous but I chose to be glad for them and look forward to the day - soon - when I will have such a house myself."

But the other shift about all of this is that I must move out of the passive voice where I am waiting for the good stuff to come and move into the active voice where I am able to provide for it for myself.  That is where I am now.

What I am finding is that my N family actually taught me that resentment state.  They had everything money could buy and still they worked to limit my exposure to people.  I was only allowed to be friends with children of their friends.  People in the same social milieu were criticized if they were not their friends and they "dared" to spend money on a fancy house or give a lavish party or got a prominent job-title.  I actually learned that kind of resentment, negativity and meanness but I was completely oblivious to my own feelings. 

I also learned passivity - I was taught to get what I was given.  It was when I went out and tried to get more or achieve something that I was very subtly put down and degraded to the point that I actually stopped trying and grew in greater resentment of people who did and who began achieving outstanding results.  I remember in college, being completely baffled about how people would set out to get great jobs and get them because I had always been taught to wait and see what came my way - NOTHING.  And I was confused and angry.  I didn't figure it out until very recently.  I has been a huge relief and blessing.  I am slowly but surely getting relief and making friends and cleaning up the mess I have been living in both figuratively and literally. 

Don't give up.  The biggest trick is to be willing to go back in memory and see what horrors those people actually perpetrated on you.  As a child you could do nothing about it but now you can.  It will begin to free you up.  Several people here are having great success in a variety of ways of doing this.  Don't give up.  You can get out of the place you are in.  It is possible.

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
  I can hear your pain and despair. I am so sorry you are hurting. I understand that deep, deep pain. I wish I could help.I wish I could give you a real hug.           Love   Ami

(((((((((Sun))))))))))

[sunblue]

Thank you Shame and Ami for your encouragement and support.  So good of you!

Everyone always says you have to make your own luck, etc...but it never seems to work for me....I worked so hard and for so long to find a new job and when I did, it has turned out to be a complete nightmare.  So I'm hunting again....But it is so hard....

I can identify with what you were saying about being envious about others' success.  It's not that I begrude them it....I just can't help wondering why my life has never had any joy or love or happiness in it.  What lesson am I supposed to learn from this?  How can I change it?  I don't know......I guess I keep on hanging in...at least for now.

Loneliness, depression and a narcissistic upbringing can be an overwhelming challenge at times.  It helps though to know others experience the same.  I admit I wish my sibling would be able to offer understanding or support..but I guess it is just one more thing I will have to accept.

Hope you all are having a nice weekend.....Normally I love summer...but lately my sadness just gets in the way.  Yesterday, I went to this little park which has a waterfall and is picture perfect in the summer.  Two bridal parties were there taking pictures.....and I couldn't help feel both happy and wistful about it.  I guess you just have to try and be grateful for what you can...

Thanks for listening...

[Hopalong]

the day was pleasant enough and I was a little proud that I forced myself to do it

I'm proud FOR you, Sun...that's huge. Good that you gave yourself a pat on the back for it!

If you keep doing it again (forcing yourself to do pleasant things that take you OUT)...over time, it will change your point of view. You can learn new habits of viewing yourself as one human among a community, and let go of the persistent outsider view. One day, to your surprise, you'll be looking forward to another pleasant activity in human company and won't even notice that you weren't focused on your outsiderness. You'll just be in the flow...

Good for you for going!

Hops