It's still MY problem

[gratitude28]

When "normal" people in my life call or write, I accept that it was just because they had time that day or I popped into their minds or what have you.

If NM calls, I assign some nefarious reason. I assign her malicious thoughts. I never accept her as is. Why can't I? This proves that no matter how much I am trying to "let it go," I am just not lettin' it go...

[Juno]

Well..... but NM does have a problem with hidden agendas, manipulations, etc.  In the past this has perhaps meant some crap for you to deal with on some level.

Also, "normal" people accept YOU.

I think no matter what way you look at it--no contact or less contact is really the best solution of all.  There really ARE no pleasant answers for how to deal with these people.  They are not normal and the sands are always shifting. 

((((((((((Beth)))))))))))

[cats paw]

Hi Beth,

  You asked why.  I have a thought or two, but I might be off base.

  Is one reason that you feel you need to protect yourself, and having those thoughts puts you on alert so you never drop your
  guard?  If so, do you judge yourself for that?

  Does being this way help you, hinder you, or does it combine the two in some way?

cats paw

[gratitude28]

Thanks Juno, Cat.
I don't think I am doing anything wrong. And I know that the only reason she contacts me is so that she can tell people she is nice to me. People see the way she treats my sister vs me now and I think it has her worried, so I am forced to deal with her trying to make things look pretty. I get the feeling my dad has had a revelation about me (that I am a nice person and do love him). Since I have been far away, NM has been able to control people's opinions and views of me, but in meeting me, those have crumbled and now she has to make things look nice.
Ugh. I so want her to not be a part of my esistence. I waste too much energy on thoughts of her.
Thanks again guys. Maybe I should switch my question to, "How do I make her have as little impact on me as possible in my daily life." How do you minimize the thoughs of your N????????
Love, Beth

[miss piggy]

Hello Beth,

I have newly returned to the board.  Hope you don't mind my two cents.  I identify with your struggle to put your NM's phone calls into perspective.  Maybe this thought will help:

"There she goes again, doing her thing." 

And that's it.  She did her thing by calling you.  You deal with it, hang up, and move on to the next thing in your life.  It takes tons of practice, so don't beat yourself up.  BTW, do you treat telemarketers the same way you do friends?  Of course not.  Your mother is now some kind of telemarketer, selling something.

It takes practice to depersonalize their behavior.  But that's the key to keeping her out of your head.

[Ami]

My gut reaction, Beth ,is that she HAS nefarious reasons. Your body knows that, down deep,but your head tries to be "above it". Listen to the body(IMO)       Ami

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

I'll use a metaphor.  Let's suppose your friends, whose calls you're delighted to take are,  I'll call them flowers in the garden of your life.  Then let's suppose your mom calls and it stings like a briar, everytime.  She's the perinniel briar in your garden of life.   No matter how carefully you grow your garden that damned briar keeps popping up.  But the flowers are more abundant.  That's something to celebrate!   

How did you fair with Fay?  I remember the incessant croaking of frogs when I lived in FL and the hurricanes came.

tt

[gratitude28]

Miss Piggy...
Thank you, and, yes, you are right. I know she always wants something... I feel sometimes like I go overboard reading this into every interaction with her, but it is true. I just need to do as you say and take it as WODA (water off a duck's ass).

Ami,
Yes, I think youa re so right. I am right. She is devious and cunning - all the time. And I do need to watch out for her. I just don't want her in my head all the time!!!!!!!!!

Bean,
I wish I coulg go NC. Without my dad, I would. But you know she really has no idea I detest her as I do. She has no clue. It is ridiculous, but I can't imagine telling her what I think of her and what I know about her. I am not sure it would have any effect - in fact, I am sure she would spin it into some fun little drama if I did. My sister is in my life and my dad is in my life. I can't cut her out and not cause a huge something. I ahve no love for her and no need for her. But I am obviously not free of her, because she is in my mind too much.

Yes, tt, I have a great garden!!!!!! So very true. I try to say my thanks for it every day. I have to say, this has been one of the kindest places to live. (Ami, do you find the people very nice here too?) Nearly every person we meet is sweet and helpful. I wonder if it is the weather here???
As for Fay, we didn't get anything but a day of rain from the storm. You know, in Japan when we got typhoons, the dragonflies would swarm around for days before. I do hear frogs - we have little ones and medium ones, and a big old fat, loud bullfrog that lives somewhere behind our house!!! I will have to see next time if the frogs are louder before the storm. We have another headed up this way...

Thanks everyone and lots of love
Beth