Scapegoated again

[Gaining Strength]

This is a complex story - but I'm going to try to write it in a way that makes sense to a reader.

I just had yet another painful experience in which my brother completely scapegoated me for a mistake his wife made.  The contortion on this one is amazing.  Yet another experience in which FACTS simply will not get in the way.

My brother contacted me Sunday evening - late - and asked that I be in court this morning because his ex-wife (who is suing him for sole custody) has put in an injuction to prevent my brother from enrolling their 16 year old son in school in the state where he and his new wife live. 

I am leaving out many fact, some pertinent, in order to make the story concise.  But I rearranged my day in order to be in court at 10am.  We never went into the courtroom but the attorneys negotiated for a couple of hours.  Things were nearing an end and going my brother's way when his ex-wife came by where my mother, father, step-mother, sister-in-law and friend were sitting.  My brother's current wife asked her to leave and told her that the family didn't want her near by.

A few minutes later I went to the bathroom and ran into my former sister-in-law and told her that I didn't feel that way - (meaning - didn't want her around). She was angry and said that my sister-in-law's comment had ended the deal and she wouldn't be signing.

I went back to where we were sitting and told my sister-in-law that her comments had caused a problem.  We talked and she decided that she would apologize and asked me to ask my brother if that would work.  So I did.  He and his attorney agreed that it would help for her to apologize.  She did.  Things got back on track and the agreement was signed - all to work things out the keep my nephew with his father and to remain in school.

Fast forward 45 minutes and we are all at lunch when my brother says that I needed to be careful because my apology to his ex-wife almost derailed the negotiation.  I countered that I did not apologize but told her that I did not feel that way.  He continued that my apology had convinced his ex-wife that what his wife had said was a problem.  (IOW - his wife's actions weren't the problem - mine were.)  I again said that I had not apologized and he again stated that her attorneys said that when I apologized they realized that they were no longer going to agree to the deal.  I turned from him and said, "I'm leaving."  I then asked my sister-in-law's friend to let me out of the banquette and I left.

Instinctively I knew that there was no where this conversation could be but down.  I know that no one there will be willing to have aconversation about it and that no facts will interfere with his truth.  When I got home I suddenly saw that he had completely scapegoated me.  That he had to make sure that his wife was not at fault and that I was - so he twisted everything around. 

This is not the first time.  And I finally get that this will not be the last. 

I am very disappointed but I am also done with this - making a personal sacrifice to help him out and getting dumped on.  But I get it.  He cannot psychologically allow his wife to have made an error - it has to be me.  This is so much in line with typical personality disorder behavior.  I'm not accusing him of having a personality disorder but I have lived with NPD and BPD and now, at last, recognize how personality disorder  folks actually twist the facts to get the conclusion that they need.  I've paid a huge price for this my entire life.  It stinks and it hurts but I have to deal with it and I have been learning that I simply cannot let it affect me emotionally. 

[ann3]

Hi SS,

No good deed goes unpunished.  Sorry this happened.

love,
ann

[Ami]

Gosh SS
 That is really ,really horrible. Your B is a piece of work. You were right to leave. In the past, would you have stayed and argued?

[Gaining Strength]

Here's the dynamic in my FOO.  There is a disagreement, a fight, someone gets angry, someone gets their feelings hurt, everyone else pretends nothing happened.  Noone makes any effort to console or mediate.  Who ever gets angry is put down. 

The irony for me is that I was trying to mediate between the two parties and that's what I get. 

[axa]

SS

That experience sounds horrible but I guess it is what can you learn from that situation.  I find your brother's level of disrespect for you quite terrible.  You had given up YOUR time to be in a courthouse to support HIM.  I think maybe you need to back away and see how really skewed this is.  My advise is to be very careful not to set yourself  up so that he can do this to you again.  Sounds real nasty to me.

axa

[debkor]

Hey SS,

I would like to shake your hand....You handled that beautifully...you kept your power...you set a boundry...you corrected him on what was said..it was not accepted... twice..  you knew it would not be..so you simply..shut down the conversation...and left....

Annoyed..sure.. I would be too..but..you didn't let it effect your emotions..because you found your power..your boundaries...and when it was going no where...you dropped it..by removing yourself....shut down..do not participate...I will not interact in this conversation of twisted facts ..therefore..I am leaving....

And from reading you on here...you are very calm...telling the story but without..being effected...annoyed..but not effected...your power.

You have worked very hard SS...I do believe you are there girl.  Don't it feel good.   

Love
Deb

[Gaining Strength]

My advise is to be very careful not to set yourself  up so that he can do this to you again.
I agree.  I don't intend to allow myself to be set up again.  My other brother and I discussed that this morning.

Debkor - all I can say is thank you.  Your message is a true Godsend.  I feel so much better about thinks when I read your post.  I feel much more confident about my response.  I was beating myself up again for being angry but on reading your words I realize how much I have truly grown.  Seeing my actions reflected back in your writing helps me recognize that I did the right thing. 

The events - the combination of what my brother did and my mother's preference to pretend nothing happened tore my childhood wounds opened once again.  My pain from yesterday is the reexperience of old pain and it is very real.  I spent some time trying to feel my heart healing, switching my heart from focusing on the pain to focusing on the healing.  You have helped me see how much healing I have done and that is the key for me. 

Thanks so much.

[Overcomer]

SS-isn't that the way it is?  These Ns can rewrite history.  My mom is good at that.  I won't go into details because it just irks me............but it happens all the time.  She tells the story NOT how it was.............then she says these words every single time........"that is not what happened "from my perspective."  FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.  I can spell it out and she will not agree from her perspective.

You start to wonder don't you??

[towrite]

A. Men don't listen. You told him at least twice that you did not apologize.
B. Yes, too many men are so fragile they cannot believe the ones they have chosen did something wrong --- so it must be the ones they were  born with; esp., if they chose one and it didn't work out. God forbid! this new one was chosen by the same sick criteria -- oh,no! So they have to protect their "sick" choices and blame the people who were not choices.
C. Be prepared to be blamed. You took care of yourself, stated your position, when it fell on deaf ears, you took you and your precious self out of that quicksand to a safer locale. Yet you will be called the B*****.

SS, I say all that b/c my own brother - my only surviving brother - is treating me the same way. He married the first time to a psychotic N; when it didn't work out, he yelled at me for not saying something to him before the wedding. Then he came to live with me after he left her. Next he rushed off 1000 mi. away from his children to marry another one who turned out to be severely bipolar with a mean streak. After that divorce, I flew up and drove his car back to our home state while he drove the moving truck. A year later, he stops speaking to me - with no explanation. That's been a year now since he told me, "Don't write or call me ever again."  Now I've had this fight with my NM who agreed to at least tell him I was hurt and confused and then said she never agreed to say that. I've had to divorce my whole family. I can't see my neice and nephews b/c I've done God knows what to their father, I cannot be in my NM's company for more than 20 mins. without some insult or injury from her. The only sane thing I can remember is that my brother grew up in the same crazy household I did, so he's got his own junk to deal with. He didn't escape whole either.

[sKePTiKal]

Sounds to me like he was upset about not being able to control his wife... so the misplaced blame became yours instead. And then he exerted his "control" - by interpreting the facts as he saw fit. Probably complicated by the ex-wife who mistook what you said as an apology...

OY. Vat a mess of a situation!

But you handled it superbly - by not letting him "control" you instead of his wife ... not accepting the blame.
Something to learn in all experiences...

[Ami]

A. Men don't listen. You told him at least twice that you did not apologize.
B. Yes, too many men are so fragile they cannot believe the ones they have chosen did something wrong --- so it must be the ones they were  born with; esp., if they chose one and it didn't work out. God forbid! this new one was chosen by the same sick criteria -- oh,no! So they have to protect their "sick" choices and blame the people who were not choices.
C. Be prepared to be blamed. You took care of yourself, stated your position, when it fell on deaf ears, you took you and your precious self out of that quicksand to a safer locale. Yet you will be called the B*****.

SS, I say all that b/c my own brother - my only surviving brother - is treating me the same way. He married the first time to a psychotic N; when it didn't work out, he yelled at me for not saying something to him before the wedding. Then he came to live with me after he left her. Next he rushed off 1000 mi. away from his children to marry another one who turned out to be severely bipolar with a mean streak. After that divorce, I flew up and drove his car back to our home state while he drove the moving truck. A year later, he stops speaking to me - with no explanation. That's been a year now since he told me, "Don't write or call me ever again."  Now I've had this fight with my NM who agreed to at least tell him I was hurt and confused and then said she never agreed to say that. I've had to divorce my whole family. I can't see my neice and nephews b/c I've done God knows what to their father, I cannot be in my NM's company for more than 20 mins. without some insult or injury from her. The only sane thing I can remember is that my brother grew up in the same crazy household I did, so he's got his own junk to deal with. He didn't escape whole either.

That is a heavy load, Kate.
 The only thing I dispute is men stand up for their wives. Not in MY universe(lol)           Ami

[Gaining Strength]

[I wrote and tried to post this an hour ago. I have been having a very hard time getting the features to work on this website lately.  When I pressed POST it never did - it actually timed out.  This has been happening frequently enough that I have started saving my posts on Word before I post.  Is anyone else having this problem?  It happens on more than one computer for me.  That's why I believe it is this website and not my computer.  Plus it isn't happening on other sites.)

ToWrite - I actually was thinking about you when I was telling my mother that it was not OK to pretend nothing had happened.  I was so glad to see your post here.  This is yet another example of why I so connect to your story.  I feel such frustration when I read your experience with your brother and your mother's refusal to mediate.  It has long been my argument and frustration that it is a mother's role to mediate among her children - no matter what age.  And it is an open, seeping wound in my heart that my mother has never taken up her "job."

A part of me, the old wounded part of me, wants to go back and talk to all parties involved and get the "facts" and get it all out on the table and get the problem worked out.  But the healing me gets it.  This has NOTHING to do with the facts and there is NO working it out.  This is simply another example of the old system at work.  It is a broken, dysfunctional family system and if I stay in the battle then I am staying in the problem.  The healing me must let it go and shake the dust off my shoes and move on.  The healing me MUST disengage emotionally.  It is not easy and I am struggling with it (obvious by this post) but I do see the goal !!!!! and am working towards it and WILL get there!!!!!  This is not about me and not about truth.  If I get in the fight about that then I have lost.  THAT is the craziness of N FOOs.  The victims get caught up in trying to work it out and get the truth unearthed and put into open air - as though that will stop the craziness.  The hardest thing for N FOO victims to process is that NOTHING will stop the craziness.  That is why detachment or NC are the best options.  N FOO = Craziness; N FOO = untruth, falsity, victim blame;
N FOO = scapegoating

The way out is by getting out NOT by getting the N FOO to see the truth!!!!


Phoenix Rising
Sounds to me like he was upset about not being able to control his wife... so the misplaced blame became yours instead. And then he exerted his "control" - by interpreting the facts as he saw fit. I agree.  Same old pattern - scapegoating.  But actually he didn't "interpret" the facts, he "twisted" the facts -  in spite of the fact that everyone at the table knew the facts.  BUT, they are part of the system and so FACTs have nothing to do with their version of the truth.  Remember - noone is more convincing that a pathological liar.  Liar's always trump the person trying to "explain" what reality is. (I am not saying my brother is a pathological liar but he was lieing yesterday and in a pathological way - i.e. the truth would not change his lies - he lied inspite of the truth - just like my mother, just like my father - a very N thing to do.)


Probably complicated by the ex-wife who mistook what you said as an apology...
I have to note that my ex-sister-in-law did not think I had apologized.  My brother made that up!  He made up other facts as well in order to support his made up version.  He had to make up facts to support his conclusion - other wise he couldn't get to his false conclusion.  I am not speculating as to whether or not he is an N but he has N traits and part of his N traits demands that mistake = bad therefore his wife could not have made the mistake she did make b/c (in his twisted perfectionism (n trait)) that would make her bad.  That is the whole mechanism of the scapegoating.  I am dispensible and she is not therefore I had to have been the source of the problem and she COULD not have been the source of the problem.

The N aspect is to twist all facts to keep himself (his wife is now an extention of himself) from being wrong.  As everyone there had come to support him and since it was a dysfunctional FOO that has always scapegoated me, somewhere in his subconscious/unconscious he knew that he could get away with twisting the facts and outright Lieing in order to shift responsibility for the (brief) breakdown in negotiations from his wife to me. The real twisted thing is that I actually SAVED the negotiations.  Hows that for a thanks.

(BTW - my former sister-in-law's attorney actually said to me, after my current SIL apologized, "I know you facilitated this, thank you."
That does not sound like what someone who blamed me for the problem would say.  I have been tempted to call my former SIL to ask her but that would once again put me in the place of "fixing" the problem.  I actually know that I solved the problem by getting my current SIL to apologize, that things would NEVER have worked out unless I had stepped in.  I also know that I did the right thing - the morally right thing - to extend a hand to someone who was hurting and who was alone - facing a crowd of people - whose newest member said that she didn't belong (even though she is my nephew's mother and was in our family for 17 years.)  None of that makes a hill of beans difference in an N FOO.

I also am not going to "fact check" with my former SIL because I refuse to doubt the truth.  I learned to doubt the truth by growing up as a scapegoat in an N FOO.  I will not do that again for several reasons.  Not the least of which is that FACTS and TRUTH have nothing to do with the twisted reality of Ns.  That is exactly what I am spending every minute of every day overcoming - the twisted reality of Nism.

I have lived my entire life in the twisted reality of Nism but no more.  Even if that means being alone for the rest of my life.  NO MORE twisted reality for me.

[ann3]

The way out is by getting out NOT by getting the N FOO to see the truth!!!!

A part of me, the old wounded part of me, wants to go back and talk to all parties involved and get the "facts" and get it all out on the table and get the problem worked out.  But the healing me gets it.  This has NOTHING to do with the facts and there is NO working it out.  This is simply another example of the old system at work.  It is a broken, dysfunctional family system and if I stay in the battle then I am staying in the problem.  The healing me must let it go and shake the dust off my shoes and move on.  The healing me MUST disengage emotionally.  It is not easy and I am struggling with it (obvious by this post) but I do see the goal !!!!! and am working towards it and WILL get there!!!!!  This is not about me and not about truth.  If I get in the fight about that then I have lost.  THAT is the craziness of N FOOs.  The victims get caught up in trying to work it out and get the truth unearthed and put into open air - as though that will stop the craziness.  The hardest thing for N FOO victims to process is that NOTHING will stop the craziness.  That is why detachment or NC are the best options.

SS,

Yes, yes, yes. Disengage, don't play the game, that will set you free. 

SS, this situation was a blessing for you in a life lesson kinda way:  IMO, you are at a stage of your healing where you  can apply what you have learned about Ns & NFOOs to a real life situation & reach a healing, healthy conclusion:  I cannot fix this, I do not want to fix this, I see the NFOO mechanisms which have driven me nuts  and I really understand that the best response is to disengage.

Congratulations.  I know it hurts & you feel hurt, probably drained, but, sounds like this situation is your Waterloo:  You will not go back to your old reactions, this is a new day.  Maybe, from now on, you will see yourself and the world thru very different lenses, almost like you are being re-born as a new and different person, leaving the old NFOO "i'm trying to fix things" self behind. 
Good going, give yourself a party.

love,
ann

[Gaining Strength]

Oh my heavens Ann - thank you so much!!!!!!!

I really do feel like I SEE the end of the tunnel - not just the light but the actual end.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying that you see this as a Waterloo event.  I am thankful beyond words.  It gives me the courage and hope to press forward even when I am still responding to the unconscious internalized voices.

In fact I actually came online to write about that and saw your message.  I cannot possibly express how significant it is that you would affirm me.  I need that and am thankful beyond words that you would do that for me.  Of course I may as well be 2 years old in development when it comes to needing encouragement and looking for mirroring in others.  But I don't mind.  I have been 20 something, 30 something, and 40 something and not gotten through the 2 year old stage yet so I am thankful to be there now.  It is very, very clear to me that I could be at the end of my life and not yet been through the 2 year old development stage (take my mother and father for example.)



Well, I'll just put down here what I have been experiencing in the past hour or so. 

I am working on my "clean up " project.  Organizing, cleaning up a mess that is actually indescribable.  But the amount of the mess is not the issue - the issue is only one - the unconscious, mean, vicious internalized voices that are so critical and so demeaning.  These voices belong to my parents and my FOO.  These voices trap me in double binds so that no matter what I do I get criticsm and rejection and ridicule and humiliation.  These voices are paralyzing BECAUSE they condemn no matter what action I take.

Boy, I can't help but wonder why it took me two full years of posting here to GET at what my paralysis is caused by.  It seems so obvious.  How could it be that 27 years of therapy did not even come close to getting at the paralysis!  How is that possible!!!!!

I am certainly angry about that but that is definitely a waste of time and energy.  I chose, instead, to focus on how thankful I am to have "gotten it". 

I am saddened that I have noone in 3D to celebrate this achievement.  I am thankful that I have you all here but I am still angry and saddened that noone in "real life" knows or cares.  this achievement is greater than any other.  It far outweighs my college degree.  It outweighs any other (so called) mile stones - EXCEPT the birth of my son.  This is equal, to me, to my own birth because until this moment I did not have life - not life itself and not a life with meaning.

As I was working a few minutes ago I felt that HUGE angst that has kept me trapped for so, so long.  It is excruciatingly painful.  I had to stop and identify what was going on and to overcome it.  I knew immediately that it was those FALSE, UNCONSCIOUS, internalized voices, condemning me, judging me, destroying me.  I still do not know exactly what those voices are saying but fortunately (and contrary to the EFT norm) I do not have to know specifically what they are saying.  But I do know whose voices they are and FINALLY I do know that they are not MY VOICE.  And FINALLY!!!!  I know that I no longer have to listen to them, to be bound by them, to yield to them.

My only disappointment is that I still have so much more work to overcome those voices.  They still reign and have power.  I know that will be short lived but for so many years I had hoped that when I got to "the truth" that the healing would be instantaneous and it is not.  That is such a small disappointment.  So what that I have more work to do.  I have worked so hard for so many years with absolutely no progress or such small progress only to be swallowed up whole by relapse into paralysis and depression and failure and anxiety and rejection and ....  So this time I can actually stand outside of the rejection and move on.  Scapegoating will not deter me ever again.  I know my own truth and I do not have to give in to the "attachments" of being accepted by my FOO or anyone else.

I am thankful beyond words, beyond measure.

I'm going to get back to work.  I have so many years to make up for.  Thanks to all who have supported me and shared their trials and struggles with me and encouraged me.  You have all been more a family and friends than any in 3D world.  For that I am eternally thankful.

I'll keep posting about how this new me works out, keep posting about the continued work on overcoming those N-ternalized voices, keep posting about finding my own voice.  I am finally, after all these years, after all of this pain, after all of this failure, moving out of voicelessness.

Thanks.

[ann3]

Hello my dear SS,

You're words are so affirming to me.  Thank you for telling me that I'm seeing this event for what it is.

Yes, shout it, SS: WATERLOO!!!!!!!!!  Maybe you want to blast the ABBA song, Waterloo?  Celebrate yourself, you deserve it.  You're coming into your own selfhood, owning yourself, so CELEBRATE!!

I affirm & validate you- we need that, right?  I'm working on the piece of getting to the place where I only need validation from me and that's a hard place to get to, but we traverse on, right?

Of course I may as well be 2 years old in development when it comes to needing encouragement and looking for mirroring in others.  But I don't mind.   Me too.  Better late than never.

These voices belong to my parents and my FOO.  These voices trap me in double binds so that no matter what I do I get criticsm and rejection and ridicule and humiliation.  These voices are paralyzing BECAUSE they condemn no matter what action I take.  Yup, now, we face these voices consciously, we understand why we have them & what they do to us.  But, now we know what they are and we can walk on by.

Boy, I can't help but wonder why it took me two full years of posting here to GET at what my paralysis is caused by.  It seems so obvious.  How could it be that 27 years of therapy did not even come close to getting at the paralysis!  How is that possible!!!!!  It takes time and then we have our Waterloo, and things start falling into place, we see like we have never seen before.

I am certainly angry about that but that is definitely a waste of time and energy.  I chose, instead, to focus on how thankful I am to have "gotten it".    Yes, but don't dis your anger, honor your anger, feel it and move on.

I am saddened that I have noone in 3D to celebrate this achievement.  I am thankful that I have you all here but I am still angry and saddened that noone in "real life" knows or cares.
I know what you mean:  no one to celebrate with who really undersatnds, feels lonely, but, then we come here & share.

As I was working a few minutes ago I felt that HUGE angst that has kept me trapped for so, so long.  It is excruciatingly painful.  I had to stop and identify what was going on and to overcome it.  I knew immediately that it was those FALSE, UNCONSCIOUS, internalized voices, condemning me, judging me, destroying me.  I still do not know exactly what those voices are saying but fortunately (and contrary to the EFT norm) I do not have to know specifically what they are saying.  But I do know whose voices they are and FINALLY I do know that they are not MY VOICE.  And FINALLY!!!!  I know that I no longer have to listen to them, to be bound by them, to yield to them.  Freedom, liberation, delivery from slavery.

My only disappointment is that I still have so much more work to overcome those voices.  They still reign and have power.  I know that will be short lived but for so many years I had hoped that when I got to "the truth" that the healing would be instantaneous and it is not.  That is such a small disappointment.  So what that I have more work to do.  I have worked so hard for so many years with absolutely no progress or such small progress only to be swallowed up whole by relapse into paralysis and depression and failure and anxiety and rejection and ....  So this time I can actually stand outside of the rejection and move on.  Scapegoating will not deter me ever again.  I know my own truth and I do not have to give in to the "attachments" of being accepted by my FOO or anyone else.  I know:  we feel a mix of emotions:  Happy for the good stuff & sad about the not so good stuff & more work to do, we still have a long way to go down that road.  BUT, remember, it's the JOURNEY, not the DESTINATION.  I say this to you as much as I say this to myself.  We're both on that road.

Good luck with your clean up work ,I'm doing the same.

Lots & lots of love to you,
ann