This weekend I learned the dad of someone I know passed away after having health problems for awhile. My heart truly breaks for this person because she is dealing with a lot. It naturally got me to thinking of my own dad and the differences between the two.
I always admired and marveled that this woman (who just lost her dad) was so fairly detached from her family. She loved her parents dearly (and she does not come from a dysfunctional family in any way) but she wasn't very involved in their lives either. She has her own family (husband, children) as well as many friends. She admitted to me that she didn't spend enough time with her parents and her adult daughter often mentioned this to her. She also just told me that her brother, who just flew in last week. to visit with his ailing faither, will not attend the funeral. It is difficult for him to travel as he is losing his sight and more importantly, he would lke to remember his dad alive. This woman herself refused to view the body of her father after he died. I make no judgments...It's just curious to me since it is so unlike my own family.
My dad is alive and struggling with manageable health issues...but overall, he is very lucky and very healthy. But he has enabled my Nmom and Nsis all my life. He makes no decisions on his own without the approval of my Nmom---even the smallest of such decisions. He essentially threw my brother and I away long ago. Because of major dysfunction in my life, he sided with the Ns in my family. But more than that, looking back, I realize he never had any interest in his children...only in my Nmom....
He has a strong sense of entitlement.....and I'm wondering lately if being with an N all his life has caused him to adopt narcissistic traits....I know he is not a true N..but he is very much a true co-dependent. He never stood up for himself, or me or my brother....If my Nmom says jump, he says how high.
So as I watch this other woman struggle with her grief over her dad, it brings up many thoughts and questions. I know I should only be grateful my dad is still alive....but I can't help think about how he never took interest in me or wanted a close father-daughter relationship.
I also find it interesting how these familiial relationships contribute to current circumstances. I come from the type of N family where they never specifally verbalized that "i will only love and care about you if you do XYZ." Instead, their withdrawl of affection and interest was implicit. You always knew how it would work even if they didn't say it. So I now know that I was never loved...and never will be. But in my family, as seriously N and dysfunctional as it is, there was always a perceived belief by my N parents that "family is everything." Perhaps they were merely verbalizing what they thought they "should" do or say, rather than what was...Because it was a lie....For some reason, I never saw that it was a lie...until very recently. For some reason, I believed them...They said one thing ("you can always talk to us," "family is everyting", etc.)...but did the complete opposite The truth is we could never speak to them because everything was always about them. As a child, I was more the "parent" always worrying how whatever bad thing happened to me would affect them. I grew up in a N family and that's how it always goes in N families.
But the end result was that because I grew up in an N family where "family was everything" and where no one from the outside was allowed in (no friends, no extended family, no neighbors)....family became everything and the only thng. I think unconsciously because of this family upbringing, I was taught that this N little family was the entire world, and that anyone else who came along in this world, was sort of "extra", but not as important.
As a result, I never had friends growing up. I still don't really. I don't have a family of my own. I've never had anyone who's cared about me. For some reason, my Nsis and mostly healthy brother didn't adopt this experience. Perhaps because I had to deal with both a selfish Nmom and even more evil Nsis who made it clear she hated me but who "loved" my baby brother, I took the brunt of it. I was ignored the most. I mattered the least.
But I see now how much it has contributed to my current circumstances. I am alone and lonely. I have been rejected completely. I see how other daughters have somewhat healthy and even loving relationshps with their dad....but for me, I know see that my dad never really had any interest in being a good dad...only in supporting my completely N mom.
THis Labor Day weekend is a perfect example. They're spending the complete weekend again with my N sis. My healthy brother is I suppose spending it with his family and friends. And I am alone. And more than that, I know that none of me are even giving me a thought. I suppose that is an important truth to accept.
Because of my circumstances, I am living with the N parents...but it is only a physical arrangement. They demonstrate no interest in me at all...and never will. I have hoped for so long for something that will never be.
So I am sad along with the woman who lost her dad. But I can't help but admire her for her level of detachment from her biological family. She loves them dearly, spends holidays with them, etc....but they are not her focus. Her own family is. She has cried this weekend much as is normal....but I think she does so knowing she has lost a dad who loved her completely.
It all just reminds me how deeply our lives are shaped by the way we were raised....by the types of parents we had. I so wish I had had at least one parent who had taken an interest in me. I can't help wonder how different my life would have been and would be.
Instead, it seems like negative situations follow me wherever I go...no matter what I try. After being out of work a tremendously long time, I found a job, only to realize I had a severely N boss. I have had no life since I started the job as I have to work every night and weekend with no light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone there likes me and my work but it is a truly bad experience for me. It reminds me of my family I've always been the "giver", always there for them, always going out of my way for them, but getting nothing in return...
So, as I prepare to attend the wake and funeral of the dad of this woman I mentioned, I can't help think of my own parents.....how the love only went in one direction---from me to them....and how I envy anyone who can separate themselves from their family in that way. I suppose it helps greatly that this woman has a husband and children and friends who love her. It is much harder when you are alone...because when you separate yourselves from them, you're left alone literally. This long weekend, I will go without speaking to or seeing a single person. It is not an unusual weekend...it is the rule, not the exception....But still it is hard...
So, after this long winded post (I apologize for that), can anyone identiy with a non-N dad who has been an enabler of the Ns? Does anyone else have a dad who has seemingly adopted some of these N traits (not with the primary Ns, but with us, the sons and daughters of N parents)?
