So Hard to See That It Wasn't YOUR Fault

[Ami]

I am seeing that I am not bad. I thought it would feel so good to see this, but it is hard. Then, I have to look at what really happened, how bad it was. If it wasn't my fault, then I have to face the truth.
 I am facing my M and my H. I am seeing the truth. It feels freeing,but scary.
        Ami

[miss piggy]

Hello Ami,

I am not familiar with your story (yet), but i can relate to what you wrote.  I think it is easier to think we are bad and perhaps vow to be better, than to be unsafe and leave people we judged to be "ok".  It makes us doubt ourselves.  Change is hard, but with practice it's easier.

Hugs, MP

[Ami]

  Dear Miss Piggy,             
 My M is the N.I think my H is ,too.
 I see that these relationships "worked" b/c I hated myself. If I had loved and honored myself, I would have left. I see that my poor self concept was the soil on which they could plant all the things that N's do.
 With my M, I had no choice, of course,but seeing myself as bad allowed the relationship to exist exactly as it had in childhood. She could do and say anything she wanted to me and I took it b/c I was "bad".
 Oh, so many wasted moments and experiences b/c of this programming.
 I think you understand, Miss Piggy.          Love to you,   Ami

[Ami]

Alice Miller wrote a response to a letter I sent her about Scott's suicide. She said that when a person is abused, they lose empathy for themselves and INSTEAD have empathy for the abuser.
 That was very profound.
 I see that *I* lost empathy for myself and HAD empathy for my M,F and H.
 Now, I am feeling anger to them for how they treated me. I am getting back the empathy for myself.
 Miller says that this is a crucial step in healing.
 Miller speaks from the position of the abused child,giving it comfort and nurture.
 I don't know of any else who seems so much on the side of the abused child which is  still inside us when we were abused.    Ami

[Overcomer]

Yes, it is odd but when my d set a very firm boundary with my nmom yesterday and then my mom said something like, "well, then I will take back MY recliner!"  (the recliner she bought them to rock the baby.)  My d firmly did not argue or acquiese...........she stood firm.  SHE knows how to set boundaries.  I think I felt uncomfortable and kinda bad for my mom.  Not bad but uncomfortable because I could have never stood up to her that way especially when I was 21

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 Your D Rocks!  Can I take lessons?        Ami

[alone48]

Funny, but when I was in counseling I always felt bad/like everything was my fault. Finally the counselor asked me why I thought I was so important that I had such a major impact on everything. A little harsh, I think, but if put in the proper prospective there is some truth to it. You can only affect someone so much then there is free choice/will. I know as a mother it must be hard, but I am finding the older my kids are the less impact I really have on their decisions.

[Ami]

For me, Alone, my problem was  the blame I took on myself as a child.  I thought I was  bad b/c I could not face how awful my M was. If *I* took the blame, I could deny the reality of her.
It is so nice to see you posting, Alone. I have  missed you!             Ami

[alone48]

Thank you Ami, glad to be back. I understand, I never thought I was good enough. My mother died when I was 5 and my father never remarried until I was out of the home. I had three brothers and I was the invisible child, it was easier. I had no female support or influence. I always thought if I had been cuter, smarter, etc. my father would have loved me more, but in actuality I reminded him of my mother. I continually pick men that are unemotional and not willing to attach, thus the large void in my life. I am working on it and only hope the best for you.

[Ami]

Dear Alone
 I mentioned that I am working with an Enlightened Witness. I experienced the childhood feelings of not being able to attach. After that ,I became clearer about my life.
 If I could wish for all the people I care about to have an Enlightened Witness, I would.
 Have you ever read Alice Miller ?                     Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

I am seeing that I am not bad. I thought it would feel so good to see this, but it is hard. Then, I have to look at what really happened, how bad it was. If it wasn't my fault, then I have to face the truth.
 I am facing my M and my H. I am seeing the truth. It feels freeing,but scary.
        Ami

If you see the truth then you are ready to stand tall and avoid anyone who is toxic to you. To avoid these people might mean leaving your presemt home and beginning elsewhere, a new life, with new friends, and all of the past is dumped into the cesspool of wrongness of your life.

If you see the truth you can begin again and who gets the coffe table will not matter, but if your truth is tied to anything of H or M, then you have NOT seen the truth.

You have, normally with fear, now fearlessly faced your H and your M, and freeing yourself. You must continue the freeing or be dragged back down into a mire of a helpless adult.

Can you understand, Ami?
Izzy

[Ami]

Once I get my mind,I won't worry about the coffee table.       Ami